Don't Even Want To Talk About It
by WaltzMatildah
Summary: COMPLETE: Something from Alex's past is stumbled upon by another intern with disasterous consequences. Update: Epilogue: Alex is okay...well he will be!
1. Deciphering Me

Chapter One - Deciphering Me  
  
Rating - T to be safe

Word Count - 2059

Disclaimer - I hear nothing, I see nothing, I speak nothing...I definately own nothing!!!

Summary - Alex backstory, eventually...

----

'Dr. Bailey?'

Even in the subdued midnight hustle of the Seattle Grace Emergency Department the voice was little more than a desperate whisper. Miranda Bailey lifted her eyes in the direction of the sliding doors and took a step forward.

'What's going on?'

'Dr. Bailey? I'm sorry...I...fuck...'

The quivering figure standing just inside the doors raised a left hand to his face and pushed his fingers deep into his eye sockets.

'Dr. Karev? Alex?'

Miranda felt her pulse quicken ever so slightly, she wasn't easily ruffled but something about this whole scene, this whole night was making her uneasy - she wasn't used to feeling uneasy, Miranda Bailey didn't _do_ uneasy. Alex stumbled slightly but regained his footing quickly. His movements were jerky and disjointed and when he moved his hands to the wall to steady himself Miranda could see his eyes were unfocused and hazy.

'Alex?' she repeated, immediately figuring that her intern had spent the six hours since he knocked off at Joe's, 'How the hell much have you had to...'

'Dr. Bailey, I didn't...I just wanted...it was my fault and I wanted...but, shit...now, I don't think...', the words tumbled from Alex's lips in a tangled mess, barely comprehensible and Miranda felt her chest tighten with the realisation that more was going on here than she'd first thought. Their exchange was beginning to draw the attention of other sections of the ED. Moving swiftly, Miranda started towards Alex but a heartbeat later realised, shockingly, that she was going to be too late. His eyes rolled grotesquely back into his head as his legs gave way and he crashed ungracefully to the hard linoleum floor. The sickening sound of skull meeting concrete as the back of Alex's head met the cold floor made bile rise in the back of Miranda's throat.

'I need some help over here people,' Miranda commanded with a certainty and an authority that were all instinct and training and practice.

'Dammit Alex,' she muttered as she reached the figure on the floor, carefully pulling his tangled limbs straight and pressing a shaking finger to his neck in search of a pulse, it was rapid and erratic and weak but it was there. Releasing a breath she didn't know she had been holding, she looked up. A row of onlookers had gathered and were all watching intently but doing little to help.

'Dammit people, this is an emergency department, act like you are trained to be here!' In seconds Alex had been lifted gently onto a gurney, an oxygen mask secured over his nose and mouth and a gauze wad bandaged temporarily over the gash on the back of his head. The small pool of blood was being mopped away as Miranda guided the gurney into an empty exam room. Clothes were cut with disregard as electrodes were placed on Alex's chest. A cannula was inserted into the back of his right hand - Alex was a leftie, Miranda remembered this, he'd be annoyed if he woke to find a needle in his left hand. A saline bag was hung and his temperature - too high, 39.1 - was taken.

'Olivia, page Chief Webber and get Derek Shepherd in here, book a CT, I'll get the bloods started. I want a crash cart on standby, prep for stomach pumping just in case, we'll need a 14 french endotrach tube...dammit, sats are dropping...Karev, what the hell are you doing? I need an intubation kit, now people...move it!'

'I swear to God, Karev,' Miranda muttered as she located the vocal chords, slid the intubation tube expertly into Alex's airway and checked the air entry, 'you interns are going to be the death of me.' 

-------------------------------

'Dr. Bailey, you paged - oh geez, what the hell happened?'

'That, Dr. Shepherd, seems to be the twenty four thousand dollar question.'

-------------------------------

To Miranda it felt like her whole life had been spent in the white washed corridors and state of the art operating theatres of Seattle Grace, cleaning up other people's considerable messes. She hadn't always been the authoritative, commanding 'Nazi' she was now so famed and regarded and feared for but she had known this was to be the path she would tread. She didn't mind the adjectives, not all of them necessarily complimentary, used to describe her. She was yet to meet a surgeon who didn't posses a certain degree of arrogance and absolute self-belief. Another of her current interns, George O'Malley, was probably the least confident of any of the too many to count doctors of all persuasions she had so far encountered but even he had come a long way from the bumbling school boy who had turned up on that fateful first day. Miranda had long ago come to the realisation that it takes a special kind of person to practice medicine and surgery in particular. While she would never argue that all surgeons were the same - hell, she only had to look at some of the attendings in her own hospital to know that wasn't true - she did believe that they all shared something intrinsic that made it possible for them to turn up and switch off and sew up day after day.

She especially enjoyed her role as teacher and mentor to the interns. Agreed, they had caused her no end of grief in the short time she had known them but she was damned proud of what they had achieved and more importantly of what they had survived through these past few months. If she'd had even a glimpse of some of the situations she'd find herself in since taking the job of guiding them through their first year she may have thought twice but looking back now there were only a few things she would do differently.

If she really thought about the five mismatched individuals under her care the one who had caused the least amount of drama was the intern no one else wanted back when this all began. Dr. Alex Karev. The only reason he was under her tutelage at all was because his original resident had all but threatened to have him removed from the program. He was arrogant and brash and honest to a fault. Right from day one he knew - well, thought he knew - what he wanted, plastics, who he wanted it from, Mark Sloan and why he wanted it, fame and fortune and fast cars and even faster women. Miranda had found the way Addison Montgomery slowly bought him towards an alternate possibility fascinating to watch. Behind the cocky arrogance was a very determined and talented individual, the fact that he was even here a testament to his courage and ability. Miranda rarely asked personal questions nor gave out personal information. She was a firm believer that if someone wanted you to know something about them they would find a way to tell you eventually. Consequently she knew little fact about Alex's background and had relied mainly on hospital gossip, which she abhorred, to fill in the gaps. She had managed to ascertain that his childhood had been far from enjoyable, he had even let a few comments pass of his own volition before catching himself, often mid-sentence, and visibly swallowing the memory before repositioning the mask he wore and deflecting the moment with an easy grin what never quite reached his eyes. She knew he had recently moved into Meredith's residence but where he had been living prior to then was, she believed, a mystery not only to her but to everyone else as well. He had always been on the outside of their exclusive clique and she had a feeling that he preferred it that way.

Miranda had been fortunate to catch him once or twice in the NICU, completely unguarded and open. She always felt something unrecognisable catch in the back of her throat at these moments and while she would never admit this to anyone, least of all Alex himself, she secretly felt she would like some time alone with whomever it was in Alex's past that had taught him to hide that part of himself from anyone over the age of five. There was something about Alex Karev in those moments that made her want to hug her own son and never let him go.

Alex was difficult to get to know and even more difficult to get to like and whether it was by deliberate design or a deep seated inability to trust people (she thoroughly believed it to be a sad mixture of both), Miranda had a feeling that Alex was basically alone in the world. It was probably this assumption that caused her reaction to the news delivered so eloquently by Izzie Stevens about half an hour later. By this stage Alex had been to CT and was being prepped for a stomach pump and a trip to the ICU. The scan had shown slight swelling but no fracture and the blood work was due from the lab any moment, Miranda suspected a ridiculously high blood alcohol level to be a major factor in the reason her intern was still hooked to a ventilator. His temperature was still too high and his pulse still too weak and erratic and too many machines were currently doing his living for him but at least it was something, and _something_ Miranda could work with.

The chief had ordered her remaining interns paged in an attempt to find out some information that may prove useful. A commotion in the hall alerted her to Steven's presence behind the curtain.

_'Where is he? Where's Dr. Bailey? I need...'_

__

_'Izzie wait, please just stop for a second, Izzie we need to find someone who might know where they are. We can't just...'_

__

_'Jesus George, do you have any idea? Just...look, don't even...'_

__

Miranda raised her eyes heavenward and let out a deep breath before turning to glance sideways at Derek. He nodded, almost imperceptibly and she took a step back and exited the cubicle, being careful to close the curtain completely behind her.

'Dr. Ste...'

'Oh, Dr. Bailey, thank God, we've been looking everywhere for him, like actually everywhere...' Izzie spoke so quickly her words were strung together in one indecipherable conglomeration of vowels and consonants and tears and hiccups.

'Iz...' George began, holding a hand towards Izzie's right shoulder but stopping short of actually touching her, 'Iz, he's okay.'

'Is he? Is he really Dr. Bailey? Oh God, this is all my fault...'

'Funny, that's exactly what he said to me right before he collapsed at my feet.' It was probably too much and she knew it but Miranda needed them to focus.

'Oh, God.' Izzie whispered, bringing a shaking hand to her mouth. She looked like she was going to eat her fingers and Miranda noted the wild, glazed way her eyes seemed unable to hold onto anything stable and unmoving. She had quite obviously been very drunk and was now hovering precariously in an in-between limbo where her blood alcohol level was unchanged but the situation was demanding sobriety and coherence and definitely not panic.

'Is he...?' Her eyes flitted to the curtain, then back to Miranda, searching, 'Can I...can we...me and George...shit...George and I, can we see him...please?'

'In a minute,' Miranda raised both her hands, palms out, a physical barrier between her and the words and the hysteria and the tequila fumes, 'Jesus O'Malley, how much damn _alcohol _have you lot had tonight? Izzie, you can see him in a minute but first I really need to know what the hell is going on. What the hell happened?'

'Oh, God, Dr. Bailey, we didn't know. Nobody knew, and then I had to go and...But I didn't know...he never said anything, in all this time...'

'Izzie, know what? You didn't know what?'

'His mother in law is here, his _mother_ in law, I didn't know...did you know?' Not waiting for or even requiring an answer, Izzie leaned back against the corridor wall and slid floor ward until she was seated on her heels, arms wrapped around her knees. Looking like the small child she hadn't been for fifteen years and perhaps never was, Izzie looked towards Miranda with blue, tear filled eyes, wild with innocence and terror and disbelief.

'Alex has a mother in law...he has a wife,' she whispered. 


	2. Kiss Yourself Goodbye

Chapter Two: Kiss Yourself Goodbye

Disclaimer: I see nothing, I hear nothing, I speak nothing...I definitely own nothing!

Rating: I actually don't know the classifications, but nothing more than alcohol and swearing.

Word Count: 2600

--- 

_Earlier that evening..._

Despite the blonde hair and the big boobs and the 'obvious pretty', Izzie Stevens wasn't stupid. She'd seen the eye sex and the sneaky glances, not to mention Alex's sudden and total devotion to all things baby. Her own totally inappropriate sexual liaisons aside, Izzie still felt a jealous pang in her gut when she saw the way they looked at each other. Even though she knew she and Alex would never go there again she was a little miffed that he had moved on so quickly from his declaration that he still felt something for her. It was unreasonable and completely irrational but there it was. Every time her thoughts strayed in the direction of Alex Karev she would have to physically drag herself back on track and even that had a particularly nasty way of backfiring and blowing up her in face…big time.

'Izzie, Dr. Bailey wants us in the pit, she's already there, apparently there's been an MVA across from First…'

George. She still couldn't believe she had gone there, that she has enjoyed it, that she wanted to go there again. He was married and even though Izzie would be the first to put her hand up and declare the marriage a mistake, her personal opinion didn't change the reality. She had turned George into an adulterous ass and it had taken less than a month. She had covertly confessed her sins to one person, Seattle Grace's other adulterous ass, and while George was determined that no one else know about their transgression Izzie couldn't help but feel she had guilty tattooed across her forehead. She had never been a convincing liar. In fact she had a sinking feeling that Alex had already figured it out, or at least he had his suspicions, he'd been …not cold…but, different to her even since that disastrous evening of copious alcohol, abject misery and, ultimately, inappropriate sex.

'Right. On my way,' Izzie replied, looking up to make eye contact with George only to find him already half way down the corridor ahead of her. 'Okay, so don't _wait_ for me or anything ,'she muttered under her breath as she hurried to catch up.

---

Three hours and one emergency appendectomy later Izzie emerged restless and agitated from OR2 to the already raging scandal that Alex and Addison Montgomery had been caught in the aftermath of apparently very hot on-call room sex. They were screaming at each other in the hallway by the nurses station in the NICU as, even before they rounded the corner and slipped behind the safety of a closed door, she began literally _ripping_ his clothes off…or so the story began. In the thirty minutes following the surgery Izzie had heard seven different versions of the sordid event, there was even talk of an award for Addison, fastest removal of a scrub top…ever.

Izzie sighed and rubber her hands over her face. It was all a bit too much really. With still twenty minutes left before her shift ended Izzie found herself organizing an admission for a fourteen year old who had attempted to jump from the second floor balcony of his family home onto the trampoline below and then into their backyard swimming pool. All he had to show for his trouble was a broken ankle, a lecture on appropriate after school activities and an overnight stay at Seattle Grace. In fact Izzie was just metres from the admissions desk when she head the woman ahead of her approach the desk and ask for Dr. Alexander Karev. Izzie forced herself to stop a discreet distance behind but definitely within eavesdropping distance as the enthusiastic nurse behind the counter loudly agreed to page him to the cafeteria so she could have a coffee while she waited for him.

'And who should I say he should look for?'

'Kathleen Brennan, it's fine, he'll know who I am, I'm his mother in law.'

The young nurse did a much better job than Izzie of concealing her shock, simply replying with a 'certainly maám, no worries,' and a toothy grin.

Izzie felt her face instantly redden as the information sunk in and she disguised the high pitched squeal she accidentally emitted as a choked, tight cough and turned on her heel. Passing the charts to a nurse just beginning his shift, Izzie hurried on towards the locker room. There was only one solution to this revelation, tequila, lots of it and her friends to drink it with her. As Izzie burst into the locker room moments later she was relieved to find Meredith and George already there and changed ready to leave. Marching straight to her own locker with determination and purpose, Izzie grabbed out her coat and purse and slammed the metal door clothes with completely unnecessary force.

'Right. Everyone. Joe's. Now.'

'But Iz…what the…aren't you at least going to change first?' came Meredith's shocked reply as George retorted with, 'what ever the locker did Iz, I'm sure it's sorry!'.

Izzie, oblivious to their words and their shock and their shared glances of disbelief, pulled the locker room door open and almost collided with an unawares and unprepared Christina.

'What the..?'

'Christina, we're all going to Joe's, meet us there, I'll probably already be drunk when you arrive.'

Izzie left as abruptly and as suddenly and with as much commotion as she had entered, leaving the other three, wide eyed and none the wiser, in her wake.

---

By the time Christina arrived over an hour later Izzie had already proudly chased three shots of tequila with two glasses of champagne. The chewed lemon rinds on the table in front of her testament to the increase in her blood alcohol level. Seeing no end to the night anytime soon and with less than cheery lives of their own to deal with Izzie had had little trouble convincing Meredith and George to join her, reluctantly at first but with gathering gusto and momentum. In fact, Izzie was especially pleased to note that as Christina joined the fray her first view would have been of George, his head almost inside a jug of beer which he was skulling, to the delight and cheers and encouragement of a small gathering of enthralled onlookers, through a pink bendy straw. While Joe didn't supply pink bendy straws Izzie had reached her hand into her ridiculously large and stereotypically overstocked handbag and come up triumphant.

'So,' Christina sighed as she slid onto one of the two remaining barstools, 'is anyone going to tell me what the hell this is all about?'

They hadn't actually discussed Izzie's locker room antics, voting instead in favour of vodka and tequila and beer over heartfelt discussions which was probably why George almost choked on a mouthful of beer when Izzie giggled.

'This, Chrisssteeenah, is about adulterous assholes and filthy whores.'

Meredith simply shrugged her shoulders and nodded Christina to the bar, 'your shout girlie…tequila we _definitely_ need more tequila.'

Izzie's eyes followed Christina to the bar where she could see her elbow her way in beside Alex who was seated at the bar tossing back a double shot of something thick and black and toxic looking. She'd, unsurprisingly really considering their preoccupation with the task of getting plastered, missed him enter. She could see Christina nudge him and indicate for him to collect the tray of shots Joe had just placed in front of her, she could then see him rise reluctantly to follow.

'Alexxxxx, ooooh Alex and Addison sitting in a tree, K I S S N…no, shit wait, what is it? Oh wait, I N G!' Meredith slurred triumphantly. Izzie watched as Alex rolled his eyes and poured a shot of vodka into his mouth, grimacing slightly as the alcohol burned the already alight trail to his blood stream. She still hadn't mentioned to anyone what she had heard at the admissions desk but knew in her increasingly inebriated state it probably wouldn't stay a secret for long.

'So Alex, coz you and Addison slept together, and Derek and I slept together, and Derek and Addison slept together, does that mean you and I have slept together by association?' Meredith giggled, 'Coz _that_ would be gross!'

'Gee thanks,' Izzie heard Alex reply sarcastically, 'but I think you are safe because if _that_ was the case then things would get very interesting very quickly around here.'

The jibe, obviously intended towards her and George was immediately pounced upon by Izzie, by now too loose too stop and process her thoughts before they flew with unreasonable vehemence from her mouth.

'Oh, and what is THAT supposed to mean, Mr. Honour and Virtue?' she spat.

'Iz, honestly,' Alex closed his eyes and tipped his head back as another thirty mils of tequila made its way down his throat, 'I was joking…don't even worry, forget I said anything.'

Izzie could feel the room spinning around her and recognized the defeated look in Alex's eyes but the day had been too much and she'd had too much alcohol and was _way_ too drunk so she forged onwards.

'Because you are so good at _forgetting_ things, aren't you…Alexander?' Izzie could see the blood visibly drain from Alex's face as confusion turned to sudden, shocking understanding, turned to…fear?

'Iz…' he said, standing up and taking a step towards her, 'don't…okay? Izzie?'

'Don't what Alex?' she heard herself ask, now completely out of control and dignity and anything resembling respect for privacy. Izzie had always had bitchy tendencies, no doubt enhanced by her stint in the modelling industry, and definitely released when mixed with tequila and champagne and not to mention, some of George's beer.

'Hey Iz, sit down girl, have another drink,' Meredith purred suggestively while attempting a seductive eyelash flutter that only succeeded in crossing her eyes and causing her to list dangerously to the left.

'But I'm not _finished_ discussing _forgetting _with _Alexander _yet,' Izzie countered testily, hand closing with reduced dexterity around the stem of her champagne glass. She could see Alex stiffen again at the mention of his full name as she felt the need to expose his situation overwhelm her.

'Well, _I_ am finished discussing it with _you, Isobel_ because I swear to God if you don't drop this I may have to mention some of the forgetting _you_ have been doing lately,' Alex sneered back and Izzie saw his gaze briefly flick up and across, up and across to George.

'Oh no, you do _not_ get to pull that shit Alex,' Izzie heatedly replied, trying to convey a lot more confidence and strength and determination than she felt as Alex tipped another shot of tequila to his lips, the alcohol long abandoned by the others as they watched the show unfold before them. 'You don't know _anything, _you think you know, you have your suspicions, hell you may even be right but you don't _know, _I, on the other hand _know_…for a _fact_!'

Izzie knew she was being rude and loud and…well…drunk but she simply couldn't believe he was actually arguing back on this one, trying to turn it all back on her. She had been itching for this showdown since she had slammed her locker door shut, and dammit, pub or no pub they were doing this now.

She watched Alex unsteadily bend to retrieve his belongings from the floor beside his chair, she could see his eyes blinking furiously as he attempted to focus and felt a sudden but fleeting pang of something like guilt. He was quite obviously drunk, maybe even as drunk as her, perhaps he was even upset but dammit so was _she_.

'Oh yeah, that's typical Al…'

'Iz, hey, don't you think that's enough?' Christina cut in, the others too shocked and wide eyed and slack jawed to respond themselves.

'It's not _enough _til I say it's _enough _Christina, Alex don't you _dare _leave, Alex…oh look…'distracted by sudden movement by the door, a huge grin spread over Izzie's face, 'well, well, well, lookie here. Dr. Montgomery. Does _she _know? Maybe we should…'

'Izzie, I swear…'Izzie could see sweat beading on Alex's forehead and he appeared to be moving in slow motion.

'Oh come on, this will be fun…watch guys, Dr. Montgomery? Addison?' Izzie almost yelled, ensuring she had Addison's attention, albeit confused and apprehensive and fleeting if she didn't hurry.

'Addison…do you mind if I call you Addison? You're probably gonna want to sit down for this, here have Alex's seat he was just leaving, he's good at that, leaving, and forgetting, leaving and forgetting, that's Alex,' Izzie rambled continuously to the incredulous stares of not only her fellow interns and a frozen on the spot Alex but to Addison and Mark and anyone else close enough to listen.

'Izzie, please.' Alex pleaded and Izzie saw Christina stand, no doubt to intercede, so she pushed ahead blindly.

'So Addison, I heard you had an interesting day if you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge and all of that,' she continued conspiratorially as Addison's eyes grew wider, 'maybe we could compare notes later on!'

'Jesus Stevens, is this all you interns do? Work and drink and then drink some more?' Addison attempted to cut in but Izzie was on a roll.

'So, I met someone interesting today, I met Alex's mother in law, little Alex has a wife and he was just going to tell us all about her.' Izzie sunk back onto her seat to a chorus of gasps and exclamations and dropped beer jugs…George, a wide grin cutting a toothy slash across her face.

'I don't have a …' Alex started, Izzie could see he was pale and shaking and sweating but she was determined to go in for the kill.

'Yes you do, you must, I met your mother in…'

'Izzie stop it.' Addison commanded.

'…law today and you don't get one of those without first getting the wife, they are kind of synonymous you know.'

'I don't…' Alex started again but was cut off.

'Alex, please,' Addison raised a hand to him and continued, 'Izzie, I think that's enough for tonight, why don't…'

This wasn't turning out like she expected. Alex was supposed to fight back and get angry and tell her everything and Addison was supposed to be on her side and the room definitely wasn't supposed to be tilted on a forty five degree angle. Steeling herself for one last barrage and fighting back the tears that were now burning at the back of her eyes she stood and turned to stare Alex down but was shocked to find herself being beaten to the chase.

'I don't have a wife, I had a wife, I had a wife for three weeks and she was beautiful and she was Kelly and she was my wife for three weeks,' Alex took a deep and shuddering and, for Izzie, painful, breath before continuing.

'But as of a year ago today, I don't have a wife anymore.'

Before Izzie could even begin to comprehend what he had just said, before she could understand, before she could _apologise_, Alex had downed the final tequila shot at their table and stumbled desperately from the bar.

Christina had risen, perhaps to follow him, although that seemed very un-Christina, but Addison stopped her with a fierce glance.

Izzie felt sick and dizzy and no where near sober enough to deal with this revelation, that was not the revelation she had been expecting. She slid, shocked and terrified and ashamed, to the floor beside her chair, staring wide eyed at the door Alex had just fled through.

'Oh God, Alex…what have I done


	3. Cast No Shadow

**Chapter 3 - Cast No Shadow**

Disclaimer - I see nothing, I hear nothing, I speak nothing...I definately own nothing.

Summary - Addison gets some insight

Word Count - 3050 (wowsers!)

large cash reward for the first person to identify my tongue-in-cheek jab at S. Rhimes & Co! Well, maybe no cash but certainly huge amount of personal satisfaction!!!

----------------------------------------------- 

If anyone had have looked into a crystal ball at seven that morning and predicted what was to become of Addison's day she would have called Derek for a consult. She was beginning to think that there was something in the water here in Seattle that reduced, if not completely removed, the ability to control one's sexual _urges_ from otherwise completely rational and educated and professional individuals. She had always considered herself above brief, nonsensical liaisons, especially brief, nonsensical liaisons with younger men under her tutelage, but there was something about Alex Karev that drew her in with an almost magnetic force. She knew almost nothing about the man, outside his abilities as a neonatal surgeon and the varied pieces of hospital gossip she tried so diligently to disregard - although she must admit that some of it intrigued her and she couldn't help but wonder about the truth behind it. She felt like she was living in some sordid, trashy romance novel, or maybe a really bad porno but she would probably have to be a nurse for it to sink into that territory.

The funniest part was though, she was finding it particularly challenging to be disappointed in herself, in fact she was feeling somewhat elated and exhilarated and perhaps even a little proud. Addison Forbes Montgomery, divorced neonatal surgeon nearing middle age, could still _bring it_ to the younger generation! She did an internal fist pump and allowed herself a moment of reflection and a cheesy grin before shifting her professional persona firmly back into place and grabbing the next chart from her never ending pile that needed updating and signing off on.

----

Sixty minutes and one extremely awkward conversation with Mark later Addison was preparing to leave for the evening. Mark's inability to see out the sixty days didn't really surprise her and in all honesty she wasn't sure she even wanted him to succeed but it still caused her heart to constrict with disappointment . It just wasn't meant to be, it had never meant to be and now, without a shadow of a doubt, it would never be again. She had hoped that they would be able to hold onto some semblance of a friendship, they did have a long and colorful past and it would be a shame to see that disintegrate completely but it would remain to be seen what would become of it.

The relationship, if she could call it that, she was now dancing in with Alex was also confusing and conflicting and, not to mention, totally inappropriate. She had seen him earlier, bent over his books studying, and had briefly considered asking if he wanted to get a drink or, even more daringly, if he'd like to come back to the hotel with her where she could help him _study_. She mentally chastised herself for even _entertaining_ such flights of fancy and grabbed two coffees from the vending machine in the hall before moving to sit beside him, waving one cup under his nose to get his attention which was still focused intently on the text.

'Hmm, _post operative complications following vertical mammoplasty_, that won't help with your neonatal residency.'

He moved to take the coffee from her outstretched hand, nodding his thanks and grinning slyly,

'Hey, I never said…'

'I know, I know,' Addison raised both hands in a awkward defeat, two fingers on her right hand gripping gingerly to the steaming cup, 'but you know you want to,' she continued suggestively before panicking that he would misinterpret her meaning.

She sat back and took a slurping sip of the steaming liquid to distract him from her words but visibly flinched as the scalding coffee met her tentative lips.

'Hot?'

'Oh, yeah, you could say that…' dammit, why did everything have to sound so…

'So, how's the studying going? There's still a few days til the exam right? If you need a hand with anything be sure to…'

'Addison, it's okay.'

'Pardon?'

'This…late evening version of the morning after, whatever it is…us, its okay, I know it was just, well…whatever it was, I'm not gonna ask you to marry me or anything so you really don't have to worry...about me, or...whatever...'

'Whoa, Karev, slow down, this is nothing, it's a cup of coffee for my intern who looks dead on his feet and has the most important exam of his career in a few days. This afternoon was, interesting and very, clandestine,' she raised one perfect eyebrow conspiratorially before continuing, 'but we both know it was a momentary lapse of judgment after a very difficult few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I _enjoyed_ myself...'

Alex snorted and looked up at her indignantly,

'...but its not going to become a regular occurence.'

Alex let out a sigh and closed his eyes briefly, leaning back hard into the plastic seat, making it creak with strain.

'Okay, so usually it's me giving that speech but,' he gave Addison a wry grin, '...thanks for the coffee.'

He raised the cup to hers, gently tapping the rims together.

'Cheers.'

'So the exam, stupid question I know but how did you go? Was it as hard as they say it is because between you and me...' Alex paused briefly and glanced down the hallway, continuing only once confirming it empty, 'I am freaking out. I don't have the best track record with these things and while this may come as a complete shock to you I have been known to, uh, panic I guess when my whole career depends on, well...this,' Alex waved his empty hand absently over the books in front of him.

'Even now I keep expecting to get a tap on my shoulder and an apologetic face telling me its been a big mistake, that I...'

'Alex,' Addison stated in a manner to break his rambling and catch his attention.

'You _are_ meant to be here and you _can_ do this, that I know for a fact. I know you present this cocky, self assured ass to the world even though you have no faith in yourself whatsoever...'

'That's because...'

'No, that's bullshit, that's what it is. If you tell yourself you're not good enough over and over then you aren't disappointed when things fall apart, it's a cop out and you are better than that. I know it, Dr. Bailey knows it, the Chief knows it, hell...even _Mark_ knows it, it's only you that doesn't. Alex, you're a surgical intern, people don't _mistakenly_ or _accidentally_ become surgical interns, they...'

Addison's speech was interrupted, timely because she wasn't sure where she was headed with it, by the sound of Alex's pager beeping and vibrating from somewhere beneath the mound of books before him. He'd hardly had time to move the texts and switch the device off before the instant beeping started up again.

'Okay, so that's weird, the first is the NICU, the second one was Admin, I'd better...' Alex moved to haphazardly pack up his gear and shove it into his backpack.

'Okay, I'll take NICU, you take Admin, then go home and get some sleep and I'll see you back here in the morning.'

Addison stepped away to head left to the lifts up to the NICU as Alex continued cleaning up.

'Addison?' She stopped and turned to look down at him, 'thanks...you know...for everything. I don't say that enough and I should...say it, so...thanks.'

Addison smiled warmly and genuinely.

'You're welcome, Dr. Karev, and I know you've probably just filled your quota for meaningful conversations for the next ten years but if you ever want to talk I'm always around and I have been doing this a while, chances are I'll understand.'

She turned on her heel and strode purposefully in the direction of the elevators, pleased with how that had gone. She smiled ruefully when she remembered her earlier fantasy of helping him 'study', thank God she hadn't gone there!

-----

The situation in the NICU was relatively straight forward so Addison took her return there as an opportunity to do a thorough check of her babies. She was just preparing to leave when she was accosted in the elevator by Mark declaring he was taking her for a drink so they could move past the awkward do we speak to each other or don't we phase of their relationship and just get back to being friends. She was surprised to hear herself agreeing to one glass of wine as long as it was his shout. Thankfully, by the time they reached the door to Joe's, which Mark held open for her - ever the gentleman - they had relaxed back into the friendly banter of years previously. Mark had even confessed his lie from earlier, he hadn't failed the bet, he had simply been giving her an out that wouldn't end in questioning or guilt. She was surprised and eternally grateful, if somewhat shocked, by his selflessness.

They had been inside the warm and inviting interior of Joe's for less than a minute before the space surrounding them was assaulted by the high pitched sound of a quite obviously very drunk Izzie Stevens.

'Dr. Montgomery? Addison?'

Addison flinched at the sound of her first name being wailed across the crowded expanse of the popular establishment. Locating the source of the caterwauling from the rear wall by a grouping of tables Addison found not only a very unsteady looking Izzie, who even more oddly appeared to have a jacket on over her scrubs, but Miranda's other four interns as well. Pushing the disappointment that Alex hadn't taken her advice of heading home for some obviously much needed sleep aside, she glanced across at Mark and raised her eyebrows.

'Well, this could be interesting...'

'Chardonnay?' Mark used the single work as a question, simultaneously indicating his intention to head to the bar before subjecting himself to drunken interns.

'You'd better make it a large one,' she answered back before steeling herself for what lay ahead and moving towards Izzie and her posse. She could see that Alex was standing, jacket and bag gathered in his arms, and appeared to be leaving. She briefly hoped he wasn't running away but was ripped from those thoughts by Izzie once again commanding her attention.

'Addison, do you mind if I call you Addison? You're probably gonna want to...'

Addison's thoughts flashed to Callie's 'lines of deliciousness' comment from when Addison had been staring a little too intently at Alex in the hospital and immediately decided that if Izzie were in a cartoon right now she would be _exuding_ alcoholic vapours. The sheer volume of empty shot glasses and champagne flutes, not to mention the two beer jugs, one of which contained a pink soda straw for what reason Addison didn't even want to know, paid homage to their alcohol intake capacity. That they were still conscious, let alone standing and communicating, seemed a miracle although Addison did acknowledge that their relative youth and more recent stint at Medical School would be standing them in good stead.

'...wink, wink, nudge, nudge...and all of that!'

Addison, never more grateful for Mark's presence than now, grabbed the proffered white wine from his outstretched hand before biting back,

'Jesus, Stevens, is this all you interns do? Work and drink and then drink some more?'

To say Izzie's reply was not what she expected would have to have been the understatement of Addison's entire existence and while being stone cold sober meant the harshness and inappropriateness and _bitchiness_ of Stevens' words was not lost on her she can also say that the news left her internally reeling. The collective chorus of shocked gasps and choked exclamations instantly alerted her to the fact that this piece of information was news to everyone, everyone except Izzie and...Alex. It was really only now that she allowed herself a good look at him and the image did little to settle her.

She vaguely heard him attempt to rebut Izzie's claims as Stevens continued her barrage but all Addison could concentrate on was the shaking, panicked and, most importantly, utterly terrified figure in front of her.

'Izzie, stop it,' she commanded, noting Alex's increased respiration rate and the sweat sheen covering his pale complexion. They continued tossing rebukes between each other before Addison saw Alex take a deep, resigned breath and close his eyes. The next words out of his mouth effectively stopped her world from turning and all she could see was the misery in his eyes, the shock on Izzie's face and a black pulsing which she vaguely identified as her own heart beat pounding at the back of her eyes.

She could see Christina rise, her Asian features doing a much more effective job of concealing the shock than everyone else seemed able to achieve. Fully intending to follow the now fleeing Alex herself she sent a fierce glare in Christina's direction which had the intern returning to her seat almost instantaneously. By the time she had gathered her coat and her thoughts and her _control _and had turned to follow Alex out into the cool evening, aware of Mark's continuing presence somewhere close behind her, Alex had all but vanished. Vanished from the bar, from the streets outside and, following a quick but vigilant search, from anywhere in the surrounding area.

'Shit,' Addison swore, raking her trembling fingers through her long, red hair.

'Yes, I think 'shit' effectively sums this up,' Mark concurred from a spot about ten metres behind her, 'I sure didn't see _that_ coming.'

Commotion and panicked conversation from the other side of the road alerted Addison to the re-emergence of the other four. 

'Oh God, Dr. Montgomery, did you find him? What did he say? Is he okay?'

'Does it _look_ like I found him, Stevens? As for him being _okay_...well, think about it, would _you_ be okay if what just happened to _him_ happened to _you_?'

George grabbed Izzie's arm, pulling her back, and said they would head over to the hospital grounds while Christina and Meredith headed back to Meredith's house to see if he had disappeared in that direction. Mark and Addison agreed to keep checking the likely areas in the closest vicinity to the pub.

-----

Addison was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time Mark finally convinced her to head back to their hotel. It was nearing midnight and Mark assured her the others would have found him by now and in their drunken haze had simply forgotten to contact her. They had just reached her room at the Archfield when her cell phone rang loudly from the depths of her handbag, she exchanged a glance with Mark before flipping it open.

'Hello?...Derek?...What?...He what?'

Addison's hand covered her eyes as she sank down onto the bed. Mark hadn't moved from the doorway yet but now stepped inside and closed the heavy door softly behind him.

'Okay, okay...right...shit...I'm on my way, I'll be right there.'

She closed the phone and lowered her face into her hands, speaking to Mark through her fingers.

'He OD'd, well, they're pretty sure he did, they're still waiting for some results, he's unconscious, on a vent., shit...' she looked up at Mark before continuing, 'Miranda found him in the ED, he collapsed right in front of her apparently, smashed his head open on the floor...might be a job for you there,' she grinned sadly, unbuckling her Jimmy Choo's and slipping on a pair of plain black flats for the trip back to the hospital.

-----

By the time they got back the interns had gathered in an empty on-call room and were all sitting together in a sad, silent vigil, struggling through varying stages of sobriety. Hanging around only long enough to hear Alex had been moved to the ICU she turned to leave again, to head straight there.

'Dr. Bailey told us to wait here, we aren't allowed to go up there,' Izzie countered softly.

Choosing to believe that Miranda had not included Addison in the group banished to the on-call room, she ignored Izzie's comments and continued on her way.

Miranda was in the hall speaking quietly to Derek when Addison and Mark approached. Miranda looked up when she saw them and sighed.

'It's been a damned _circus_ up here tonight,' she commented to Addison, rubbing her eyes in a manner attesting to her lack of sleep and patience and a good mood.

'So how is the star attraction?' Mark asked and Addison turned to look through the glass behind her. She could hear Derek begin to answer but only took in fragmented phrases, _'tachycardic and hypotensive', 'moderate swelling', 'elevated temp.', 'prolonged QTs', 'high blood alcohol content', 'significant levels of amitriptyline hydrochloride', 'grand mal seizure'_ but her main focus was on Alex's unconscious form, swamped by the high tech. ICU bed and the various pieces of medical equipment being used to sustain him. She could see his chest, bare but for the electrodes monitoring his still erratic heart beat, and briefly recaptured the sensations and the emotions she had experienced only earlier that day while that muscular, golden torso was pressed up against her breast.

She moved to sit in the chair that was beside his bed, longing to lift his pale, lifeless hand into her own and hold on for dear life but knowing she couldn't for a myriad of reasons, the least important of which being the nasty looking cannula stuck in the back of it and the thin, snaking tubing connecting it to a sodium bicarbonate IV bag hanging over the bed.

It was only now, in the relative stillness of the ICU, with Miranda, Derek and Mark still engaged in conversation on the other side of the glass, that Addison allowed herself to reflect on Izzie's revelation and Alex's devastated response to it. She couldn't help but wonder what the full story involved and whether she would ever be privy to the private and obviously painful details. Of all the rumours that had done the mill at Seattle Grace regarding Alex's sexual history and inability to stay faithful or have a committed relationship, none of them had even come close to the heartbreaking truth.


	4. Vibrations in Air

Chapter 4 – Vibrations in Air

Disclaimer: I see nothing, I hear nothing, I speak nothing, I definitely own nothing!

Word Count: 3700

Christina's POV

Christina estimated the time to be somewhere around three in the morning. She put her hands on her shoulders and raised her elbows skywards, feeling the tense muscles pull with strain. She looked around the on call room, taking in the sleeping figures of her fellow interns…well, minus one. George and Izzie were on the bottom bunk of the bed opposite her, entwined together in a way that, had she been more awake and had it not been three am and had the notion not been so absurdly outrageous, looked sweetly intimate…in a gross and incestual kind of way of course. Meredith was directly above her; she couldn't see her, a slight dip in the mattress above her head, the discarded sneakers by the doorway and the god-awful snoring giving away her presence. It was the snoring that has woken Christina with a start and she wondered how on Earth Derek managed to get any sleep. She groaned and contemplated poking the mattress with her toe to stop the sound but caught herself at the last minute and just listened. Memories of Meredith's blue lips and chalk grey face and distinct lack of a heartbeat flooded her senses and in that minute she decided that the snoring was the sweetest sound she had ever heard…maybe _that's_ how Derek slept at night.

Christina had never had a sister, she'd never had a best friend, in fact she wasn't even sure she'd ever had any normal friends before either, at least not since junior high when classmates became competitors, rivals…adversaries. She still wasn't sure how to define her relationships with this mismatched group of thrown together individuals. She was fairly sure Meredith was her friend, she was definitely her 'person', and did being someone's 'person' automatically make them your friend as well? She was ridiculously out of practise when it came to defining these things. She guessed Izzie and George were also her friends, they were each others 'person', that much was obvious, but she figured they could still be her friends even if George was too flaky and indecisive and Izzie too blonde and emotional. Christina's thoughts flicked to Alex, he definitely wasn't her friend, in fact her 'whatever' with Alex reminded her of the 'whatever's' she had shared with her classmates. He was the competition, pure and simple. She wondered briefly who Alex's person was, if she and Meredith had each other and Izzie and George had each other then who did that leave for Alex?

Dr. Bailey had burst into the room a few hours earlier wanting a contact number for Alex's next of kin, apparently his personnel file in HR had a mysterious blank where most people put mother or aunt or brother. The interns had looked at each other in stunned silence, simultaneously realising that they didn't even know if he had any siblings let alone a contact number for a mother or a father or a 'person'. Izzie had answered that his mother lived in Iowa still but that she didn't think they were in contact and that he definitely didn't speak to his father.

'And the wife? The one that he had but doesn't have any more? What's the story there?'

'Kelly,' Izzie answered, her voice thick with alcohol and tears and shame.

'We're not totally sure. He didn't actually say it so we're just assuming really…that she's…gone, uh…died…that she died. We're fairly sure that's the story.'

Dr. Bailey had departed after that, leaving them with an update that Christina instinctively knew wasn't even half the truth and orders to stay where they were _or else_.

Derek had been in barely an hour later saying that he was heading home and did Meredith want to go with him. She had declined without giving him a reason but both Christina and Derek knew she had one and that it was the same reason Christina was still sitting here, despite having rounds at seven and the same reason Izzie was sleeping off the alcohol on George's lap instead of in her own bed, and it was the same reason George was leaned up against the wall, eyes closed, exhausted and numb but still awake. Christina looked up at Derek from her spot on the lower bunk and raised one eyebrow in a silent question. With Izzie safely asleep and therefore unable to hear Derek answered quickly, briefly outlining the concussion and the seizures and the possibility of congestive heart failure and the overdose.

'The what?' George's eyes flew open in shock and he quickly looked down to ensure Izzie was still sleeping.

'The what? He what? The drug _what_?' he whispered, stumbling through the disbelief in his usual inarticulate way making Christina want to cringe and clamp her hands over her ears.

'He had really high levels of amitriptyline in his blood stream; we think he probably got his hands on some Endep or something. Seems a bit… un-Alex…though, I never really thought…'

Derek trailed off, not completing his sentence and Christina was left to wonder exactly what he thought because she knew she almost never thought about Alex in any context and she was fairly certain that Derek didn't either.

That had been hours ago now and since being startled awake by Meredith's snoring Christina couldn't shake the gnawing feeling in her gut that this very really might not be all okay. They had survived ferryboat disasters and dead Mums and severed LVAD wires and toxic patients and secret wives. They had survived all of those things but maybe they had pushed the envelope too far with this one, maybe this was going to be the proverbial 'whatever' that finally broke the camel's back. Shock registered in Christina's awareness suddenly as she realised that she cared, she actually cared. She definitely cared about icy-blue Meredith and bathroom floor Izzie, but it was more than that. It wasn't just that she cared whether Alex was going to be okay or not, she was, despite theories to the contrary, human after all, but she cared about the why and the how…she _never_ cared about the why and the how.

Taking a deep breath, she pushed herself gently from the mattress and eased her feet back into her shoes. She opened the door just wide enough to squeeze her lithe frame through the opening, not wanting the sudden light to waken her sleeping companions, and stepped out into the deserted hall. She'd been the only sober one when the events unfolded and could remember jumping to her feet when Alex fled only to be stopped in her tracks by Addison Montgomery. She still couldn't fathom exactly what it was that compelled her to stand to follow him but it was the same thing that was propelling her forward, towards the ICU, now.

It wasn't hard to find Alex's room but she nodded gratefully to the night nurse who pointed her in the right direction and murmured that Dr. Bailey had finally left about an hour ago but that Dr. Montgomery was still in there. She could see Addison through the glass, curled up in a chair beside Alex's bed, her forehead resting on the mattress by Alex's right hand. From her position Christina couldn't determine whether Addison was asleep or awake but decided to go in anyway.

The metallic feet of the chair, missing two of the four plastic caps, scraped ever so slightly as Christina settled her weight into it. It was enough to wake Addison, whose head snapped up and eyes flew open, disorientation and confusion giving way to remembering and _weariness_.

'Christina?'

'The others are all sleeping – in the on-call room downstairs still – I couldn't lay there any longer…'

Addison nodded in understanding and lapsed back into silence. Christina took a moment to take in Alex and the room and the machines and to piece it all together, to gather the meaning. She let out a long, slow breath, which caught Addison's attention once more, and reached up to pull the chart out of its holder on the wall, scanning the details with a sense of surreal detachment. She could feel Addison's eyes curiously watching her and raised her own to meet them.

'You know, I don't even know why I'm here; I can't explain it, not even to myself. I guess I've never really had actual friends before and…' she trailed off, unsure what to say next and was surprised by Addison's response.

'I don't know why I'm here either, here in Seattle, here in this hospital and especially not here in this room. Right now I have absolutely no idea.'

Shocked by Addison's frankness and her own overwhelming emotions Christina didn't know how to reply and found herself reverting to doctor speak to ease her stress levels, she could _do_ doctor speak, it was science and fact and it was exact and not confusing and terrifying and threatening to pull her apart.

'So he's triggered the vent a few times then? And the Diazepam's stopped the seizures?'

Realisation and understanding shone brightly in Addison's eyes and she hurried to play along.

'Yes, no seizures since that second one just before twelve thirty so hopefully that's it for those, he's been triggering the vent more and more but his sats are still a bit low so they're keeping him on it. They've been giving him regular activated charcoal doses, that's why they've left the NG tube in. Heart rates still all over the place as you can tell,' Addison jerked her head sideways towards the heart monitor beside her and Christina nodded her agreement and found herself contemplating the possible long term cardiac effects of amitriptyline overdose.

She fidgeted restlessly in her chair and stared absently at the irregular but still strangely hypnotic lines mapping out the arrhythmias plaguing Alex's overwhelmed heart. Her fingers were itching for something to do, something to cut open, she didn't know how to fix things unless she could cut them open and look at them.

'It's harder to deal with when you can't cut it open and fix it and sew it back together isn't it? I guess that's the surgeon's curse.'

Christina didn't realise her anxiety was so obvious and reactively moved her hands under her thighs to stop them moving.

'Yeah,' she nodded, agreeing with Addison and once again finding herself shocked at the similarities in their thoughts.

'There's definitely no 'quick fix' for this one. I guess there'll be some questions asked when he wakes up, though I pity the person who has to do the asking. I guess the lack of family means it'll probably be left to Miranda.' Christina felt herself relax at Addison's words, finally feeling a semblance of comfort in the other woman's presence.

'Did you already know?'

Christina had voiced the question before she had even had time to process her intention and she looked up suddenly, worried that she had overstepped the boundary. To her relief, Addison looked lost in thought and not the least bit offended.

'I mean, you were so calm when it happened, earlier at Joe's, when Izzie, well…you know. It just didn't seem to shock you and I know you two have been, uh…getting close? I just thought maybe you already knew.'

'No, I had no idea. I mean, I've always thought there was something about him that couldn't simply be explained by a crappy childhood and the desire to specialise in plastics, which often speaks for itself in my experience, but…no. I had no idea. I guess the lack of alcohol meant I was just able to hide it better than everyone else.'

'I wasn't drunk either,' Christina retorted, indignance and a desire for Addison to know she wasn't at Joe's getting smashed when she had a shift the next morning causing her words to sound unnecessarily harsh.

'I mean, I hadn't even been there long, I'd only had one, the other's were…well, you saw them but I wasn't.'

'No, I had kind of figured that out already, they way you stood up to go after him, in all honesty that nearly surprised me more than the wife news!'

'Yeah, well, it surprised me too. I guess it comes back to why I'm sitting here right now, which I honestly still can't answer.'

Addison nodded her understanding and Christina noted the absolute exhaustion that seemed to wash over her as she leaned back into her chair and closed her eyes.

'You should really try and get some sleep. The door was open to the on-call room on this floor when I walked past and it was empty, I'm going to stay for a bit longer but you look like…well…,' Christina grinned wryly, 'don't take this the wrong way but you look like crap!'

'Well, I can't say I usually look my best at four in the morning but yeah, I think I might do that. You'll page me if there's…well…you'll page me?'

Christina nodded as Addison stood stiffly and bent to collect her bag.

'Thanks for coming, I appreciated having someone to chat to and well…I won't tell him if you don't.'

Addison smiled sadly, conspiratorially and walked out the doorway without looking back.

The night nurse entered as Addison exited, intending to complete a round of obs. Christina offered to do it for her and the nurse agreed hesitantly and retreated back into the dimly lit corridor leaving Christina alone with Alex for the first time. Easily detaching as she efficiently completed the requirements, it was only once she had finished the task and resumed her position in the chair by Alex's side that the desire for sleep took hold again. Lowering her head to the mattress in a manner that would have mirrored Addison's earlier position had she still been there, Christina closed her eyes and let herself drift off to the comforting sounds of the cardiac monitor.

It couldn't have even been twenty minutes later when Christina was startled awake by a strangled cry that she couldn't quite place at first. Jumping up from the chair so quickly that it reared back precariously before she managed to grab hold of one arm and rest it firmly on four feet again, she took a moment to remind herself where she was and what the staccato high pitched beeping was trying to tell her.

'Alex?'

Shocked and slightly panicked, her awareness still floating somewhere in sleep land, Christina was suddenly slammed back to reality. Alex's eyes were open, translucent tears making tracks down the sides of his face and over his ears, soaking into the white pillow under his head, his hands were clawing at the sheets, bunching them up between white knuckled fingers and he was gagging desperately on the ventilator tube but Christina was distracted by the shrill piercing beep from the cardiac monitor alerting her to a more pressing issue.

'Alex, it's Christina. Alex, you need to calm down. I'll get the tube out but you need to calm down first.'

The heart monitor continued beeping its warning as the nurse from earlier in the evening tore into the room. Alex's eyes were flashing wildly, the terror and confusion in them almost a physical weight that Christina had never experienced before. She grabbed his forearm and attempted to stare him down.

'Karev! Stop it. We're taking it out? See?'

She disconnected the ventilator and looked across at the nurse for a confirming nod before settling her gaze back on Alex.

'Okay, see, it's coming out. Promise me you're going to relax so I don't have to sedate you and leave it in,' she threatened, hoping her voice didn't betray the authority and calmness she definitely _wasn't_ feeling.

'Okay, deep breath out.'

Only once the tube was removed and some of the terror had dissipated from Alex dilated pupils did Christina allow herself to breath normally again. She had extubated hundreds of patients before but this; this was a whole new level of different. She secured an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth, being mindful of the NG tube, and willed him to calm down, words of no use to her in this situation. Consonants and vowels tangled together in her brain unable to connect in a way that made any sense at all, let alone a way that would offer comfort to Alex who was clearly in pain and dangerously tachycardic.

_Breathe, Christina, this is cardio, this is your thing_ she willed herself and took a deep calming breath before turning her attention back to Alex and the nurse who was staring at her expectantly.

'Should I page…'

'No, just wait,' Christina cut her off and settled on the edge of the bed in Alex's line of sight.

'Alex, look at me,' she commanded forcefully but got no response.

'_Evilspawn_, open your eyes and _look_ at me' she whisper screamed, finally getting his attention as his eyes unscrunched and blinked rapidly, hazy and unfocused but open and alive.

'Okay, its okay. Now, if you don't want me to page someone else you're going to have to work with me a bit here. So, chest pain?"

Alex nodded slightly, took a sharp, shallow breath in and held it.

'Alex, breathe, you need to try and keep breathing normally, you know all this. Just focus on breathing normally.'

She waited until he had resumed a somewhat regular breathing pattern before continuing.

'Okay, so how bad out of ten?'

'Eleven,' Alex grunted, his voice raw and raspy even through the oxygen mask that still covered his nose and mouth.

'Hah, typical,' Christina scoffed. 'Men! It's never a seven or an eight, its always eleven, a stubbed toe is an eleven!'

The retort and the return to a familiar equilibrium in their relationship had the desired effect as the corners of Alex's eyes creased ever so slightly into a small smile and the heart monitor stopped its frantic beeping and began to slow by degrees.

'Okay, so maybe it's a nine and a half,' Alex bit back and Christina felt a weight lift off her shoulders.

'Well, that's nothing then, I hereby declare that you will live.'

Once again the words were out of her mouth before she had even had time to think about the implications of saying that last part to someone who had just overdosed. Berating herself harshly and attempting a desperate backtrack Christina took a step away and stammered that she was going to page the others and let them know he was awake.

'No.'

Already half way towards the door she stopped in her tracks and turned back to the bed, feeling the nurse continue on her way past and out into the corridor.

'Please don't, not yet. I can't…' he trailed off and Christina could see the fear that was becoming all too uncomfortably familiar settle itself like a veil over his eyes.

'Just please, not yet.'

'Okay, I won't, not yet. Why don't you try to get some sleep and I will come…'

'Christina wait, you don't have to go. I mean, you can stay can't you?'

Christina swallowed her rising discomfort with some difficulty and took a step back towards the bed.

'Uh, sure, I can stay.'

Alex closed his eyes, his breathing finally beginning to even out, he had removed the oxygen mask while Christina's back was turned so she clasped her had around it and moved to slip it back into place.

'But _that_ stays on,' she ordered in a voice that Alex was either too tired or too apprehensive to argue with, a look of exhausted resignation in his eyes as he nodded his consent and the mask was re-secured.

'Christina?' came the muffled voice, fogging up the inside of the mask.

She looked up from where she was filling in details on his chart and raised an eyebrow in silent warning as Alex lifted the mask slightly to make comprehension of his quiet, breathy words a little easier.

'I don't really, well, some of it do but, I don't remember everything. The bits I do remember aren't that great and the last memory I have, well where I was…'

Alex's right arm came across his chest, his fingers gripping tightly to the pectoral muscle above his heart, nails digging in, leaving small moon shaped indentations. Christina could hear his breathing hitch and shallow out once again, breaths coming in short, sharp gasps.

'…Kinda makes me think I did something really stupid but I don't know and, well if I did what I think I probably did then I don't know what to do.'

Christina felt the walls of the ICU cubicle start to close in on her, suffocating her as her own heartbeat echoed loudly in the back of her throat, making her want to vomit or scream or laugh hysterically at the _absurdity_ of _Alex_ asking _her_ what to do.

'My heads killing me and it feels like someone is squeezing my heart as hard as they can and I can't…think straight and…I can't…breathe…and I don't…_know_ what to do…Christina, you always know…what to do…_Please…tell me what to do_.'

She could see his back arch slightly against the pain and the sorrow in his eyes and pleading in his quiet voice were Christina's undoing as she felt an unfamiliar prickling burning in her eyes.

'Uh, I'm sorry, I'll just…' Christina stuttered before tearing her eyes from the forlorn figure on the bed.

She blinked rapidly and felt two hot tears that mirrored Alex's for pain and desperation scald tracks down her pale cheeks so fast that had one not landed on the back of her left hand she might never have believed that they had formed and fallen at all. She turned and fled, barely managing to stutter a goodbye on her way out.

'I'm sorry Alex, I just can't…'

In her blind panic she almost collided with the nurse hurrying into the room as monitors began to shill their desperate warnings.

'You'd better page a cardiologist,' Christina stated blankly, 'I think Dr. Cameron is on call,' and continued walking towards the elevators, refusing to acknowledge the code blue alert reverberating at the nurses station or the continuous high pitched squeal signalling that Alex's heart, like his spirit only hours previously, had simply given up.

---


	5. Don't Dream It's Over

Chapter 5 - Don't Dream It's Over 

Disclaimer: I hear nothing, I see nothing, I speak nothing…I definitely own nothing.

Word Count: 1593

Summary: One event, four people, four different reactions.

---

Miranda had made it all the way to her car, in fact she had even inserted the key into the ignition and turned it far enough that the radio had burst to life, before she sighed in resignation and slammed both her palms down onto the steering wheel. Closing her eyes briefly and scrubbing her hands over her face in an attempt to wake up or calm down or for some other reason she couldn't bring herself to try and rationalise, she then leaned forward and switched the ignition off again. She had phoned her husband earlier in the evening to explain why she would be even later than the late she had already warned him about and she knew that he didn't believe her when she said she would be home eventually.

She re-entered the hospital five minutes later and made her way to the resident's lounge, finding it blissfully empty and refreshingly silent. Refusing to look at the clock on the wall, large digital numbers glowing in mocking neon, she settled down on the couch and rested her head on the overstuffed cushion in one corner, intending to make the best of an absolutely shocking night by getting at least a few hours sleep.

She was just stepping onto a Broadway stage to receive her standing ovation for the contemporary dance piece she had just performed to the dulcet tones of Simon and Garfunkle when her pager sounded, ending the dream the rapturous applause she was busy basking in. Jolted from a deep sleep, it took her a few minutes to remember where she was and more importantly, _why_ she was there. Despite the countless hours she had spent in this room the pitch-blackness was making her dazed and disoriented. Snatching the offending electronic device from where she had carefully placed in on the floor beside her, prepared for exactly this situation but not expecting it; definitely _not_ expecting it, she squinted at the flashing words.

911 ICU CODE BLUE 

For a split second Miranda could have sworn everything in her body stopped. Her heart, her blood flow, her breath, her brain, her nerve synapses, frozen for that one moment in time, before bursting back to life with such determination and speed and _vigour_ that she almost doubled over.

She was at the door before she realised that she hadn't even put her shoes and socks back on, her toenails, hot pink, laughed up at her with mocking contempt. Forgoing the socks altogether she slid her feet into her clogs and forced herself to breathe, _he_ wasn't the only person in the ICU, hell _he_ wasn't even her patient, in all likelihood the page had nothing to do with _him_.

Except Miranda already knew that it did.

Izzie's pager was the first to sound, followed at regular intervals by Meredith's and then George's. Despite hers being the first she was the last to react, only woken by the rush of cold air that enveloped her when George extricated himself from her grasp. Opening one sleep glazed, hung-over eye she could see Meredith rise slowly, gingerly across and up from her, her long hair tangled and sticking up in a manner that Izzie was sure she would have found hysterically amusing had she not been fighting to keep the tequila and the chardonnay and the, argh…the _beer,_ from rising in the back of her throat and making a reappearance.

George was the first to speak, he had reached his pager and Izzie guessed he had managed to focus for just long enough to read the words before they blurred back into a blue haze.

Meredith was next, her _oh God_ muffled slightly by the fact that her wrist was in her mouth, her teeth clamping down hard enough to create purple, serrated indentations and her fist clenched in a tight, white-knuckled ball. Something deep in Izzie was telling her things were not at all okay here but she couldn't for the life of her figure out why she was in bed with George… again, and why Meredith looked so terrified, and why her own hands were shaking so badly that it took her three goes to pull her pager from her handbag.

911 ICU CODE BLUE 

And then she figured it out.

Her stomach rebelled, reacting violently in a way that her voice and her heart and her brain didn't seem able.

She pushed up from the mattress and with a speed and a determination and a _desperation_ that belied her current state, sprinted out the door and burst into the bathroom opposite, one hand over her mouth, the other, still clutching her pager, wrapped around her mid-section. Flinging back the door to the first stall she emptied the liquid contents of her stomach into the bowl in one heave. Tears mingled with vomit on her lips and she reached to flush the toilet before exiting the cubicle and rinsing her mouth out with ice-cold water at the sink.

Turning so her back was against the cold, tiled wall she slid to the floor, legs awkwardly splayed beneath her, entire body shaking so badly her bones felt like they were knocking together. It was only now, from her spot on the floor, that she realised she was not alone. Someone was mirroring her position on the floor against the far wall, turning something small and black over and over in their hands, staring at nothing or, maybe, staring at everything.

'Christina?'

Addison was awake, had been ever since she had made her way to the vacated on-call room at Christina's suggestion. Despite the screaming her body was doing, telling her to relax, unwind and _sleep_ she just hadn't been able to switch off enough to actually do so. It probably wasn't helped by the fact that she had been in too many on-call rooms doing too many things besides sleeping to be able to feel completely secure enough to sleep in one any more.

She was busy trying to visualise her schedule for the day ahead, actually, who was she kidding? She was busy trying _not _to visualise Alex, shirtless and sweaty and sweet on her lips. She was busy trying _not_ to re-live the feel of him pressed up and _hard_ against her when her pager sounded, breaking into her conscious, an unwanted intruder, banishing the images from her mind and the smell of him from her nostrils and the feel of him from her fingertips.

She took a guess before unclipping the pager from the band of her skirt, Baby Jacobs in the NICU, born addicted to ICE, heroin and cocaine that she knew of and showing all the signs of foetal alcohol syndrome.

_911 ICU CODE BLUE_

There were no babies in the ICU ward.

Christina didn't know if it was possible to hate yourself as much as she currently did. The ferocity of the hate was threatening to melt her skin and dissolve her muscles and disintegrate the small shred of composure she had managed to scrape together since gutlessly fleeing in the face of a raw and open and perhaps irreparably broken Alex, begging, pleading, _imploring_ her to tell him what to do. But how could she tell him what to do when she couldn't even explain what she was doing there, when she couldn't even tell _herself_ what to do?

Alex was a rock and Christina was a rock, they were solid and unmoving and definitely did not break and shatter and fall to the ground in a thousand tiny pieces. They always knew what to do and never asked opinions of others because other people's opinions didn't matter, they knew what they were doing and where they were going and who they were. They didn't questions themselves or second-guess their own instincts.

But Alex _was_ broken and he _was_ shattered and _was_ falling towards the ground at break neck speed with no-one to catch him, to soften the blow, to kiss away the invisible bruises and if _that_ could happen to Alex then what was there to say that it couldn't happen to Christina?

Moving on autopilot, Christina had initially headed back in the direction of the on-call room that housed her sleeping friends. Pressing her ear to the door she could hear no movement or murmured sound on the other side indicating that they were still as she had left them, blissfully unaware. Instead of entering she turned one hundred and eighty degrees and made for the bathroom directly opposite, relishing the drop in temperature as she entered the fluorescently lit room and slid to the floor, unable to move, or think, or feel; a welcome relief from the emotional overload of only five minutes earlier.

Time lost all meaning, Christina had no idea how long sat there, her legs going numb under her, it could have been thirty seconds, it could have three days later that the bathroom door burst open with a sudden bang and a flash of blonde hair and blue scrubs as a body dashed past her and into the closest stall, retching and crying and gasping for breath. The activity barely registered in Christina's blank gaze, still hypnotised by the flashing blue that had appeared on her pager somewhere in the infinity that had existed between her sliding to the floor and the blonde and the blue blurring past.

911 ICU CODE BLUE 

The neon letters flashed across the screen, forcing her to process what she already knew, what she had already walked away from.


	6. Memories and Dust

**Chapter 6: Memories and Dust**

Word Count: 4195

Disclaimer: I see nothing, I hear nothing, I speak nothing…I definitely own nothing.

Rating: One or two naughty words used quite a bit more than one or two times! Adult themes.

Summary: How did we get here and where do we go next? Alex remembers…

Author's Note: The song mentioned is 'Throw Your Arms Around Me' by Hunters and Collectors. Thank you Mark for letting me borrow your magic!

---

'Hey! What the…?'

Alex spun around to confront the person who had just attacked him from behind only to find himself facing an endless sea of partying students, the offender having clung to his back and consequently turned with him.

'Hey there,' he heard, whispered softly against his right ear, hot breath, thick and sticky sweet on his sweaty skin. The body relinquished its hold around his neck and moved so they were face to face. Bright blue eyes blinked back at him but it was the legs, the long, long legs covered only at the very top by the tiniest mini skirt Alex had ever been fortunate enough to lay his eighteen year old eyes upon that caught his attention. She laughed, girly and sexy and unrestrained and as Alex looked up he caught a flash of silver on her tongue, _ahh…tongue ring. Interesting_.

'You know, you really should be more careful, you could give someone a heart attack jumping on them like that,' he grinned, an easy smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes, so she would know that he wasn't mad or offended or disappointed. He certainly wasn't disappointed.

'Don't worry, I'd have revived you baby,' she murmured suggestively, planting a chaste kiss on his lips before turning and entering the pulsing throng of dancers, lost in the flashing lights and the smoke haze and the hypnotising beat that vibrated the floor under Alex's feet.

It was nearly two hours and six beers later before Alex saw her again. The numbers on the dance floor had dwindled significantly making her easier to spot, his friends had all left ages ago but Alex was buzzed and wanted a name, a number, an _anything. _Something tangible that he could hold on to in case he never saw her again. She was moving fluidly to the music, her mid-riff baring top rising up even more as she raised her hands over her head, lost in the rhythm and the feel and the moment. Alex stood and watched for as long as he could without looking like a creepy freak before taking a deep breath and stepping towards her. He moved into her dance space and pulled her arms around his neck before sliding his own arms lower and around her waist. Their bodies melded in that instant as Alex moved with her, his hips, his thighs, his chest never once breaking contact with hers.

'Let's get matching tattoos.'

'Let's what? But…what? Tattoos? I don't even know your name!' Alex stammered and took a step back.

'Come on, it'll be fun, something to tell the grandkids when we're old and wrinkly,' she laughed before grabbing his hand and dragging him behind her across the dance floor to the welcome cool of the exit.

'I know this great place just up the road from here, the guy is an artist, you wouldn't believe what he can do, and it's all very _sterile _if _that's_ what you're worried about,' she laughed again, rolling her eyes at him.

They had stepped outside by now, the night air freezing on Alex's sweat soaked skin, his breath coming out in white, smoky puffs.

'But…I don't even…_you_ don't even…'

'Alex,' she cut in, her eyes bright with victory as she poked one finger into the centre of his chest.

'_You_ are Alex.'

'And _I_ am Kelly but you…' she said, poking him in the chest again before turning and running down the street ahead of him, '…you can call me beautiful!'

Alex took off after her, watching with incredulous amazement as she lifted the back of her skirt and flashed him mid stride.

'Crazy!' he yelled, struggling to catch up, she was deceptively quick considering it was two am and she had three inch heels on.

'I think I'll call you crazy.'

Her laughter echoed like stars in the quiet street as Alex's heart hammered in anticipation in his chest.

---

'_He's in v-fib, Alex? Can you hear me? Alex…?'_

_---_

'Hey beautiful,' Alex said, wrapping his arms around her and lifting her off her feet so he could spin her around.

'Where have you been? I've been waiting for you for ages.'

'Oh, I've been around, here, there and everywhere. You know me,' she grinned. 'Not all of us spend every waking minute studying, _Doctor Karev_!'

'Ha, you're funny, not all of us can bare our asses and flash our tits and get exactly what we want all the time either _Kelly_ and besides, I don't spend every waking minute _studying_.'

'Hey, you have a great ass Mister,' she said, slapping him on it and twirling out of his grasp, 'and you know I love helping you study. I happen to think I am a great example of anatomical perfection!'

Alex watched her break into dance, moving to her own personal beat in front of him, her eyes closed, her mouth moving, singing along with words only she could hear. He took a step closer, grabbing both her arms, forcing her to still and look at him.

'Alex, dance with me…'

'Are you high?' he cut in, his eyes darkening and his throat constricting.

'Oh come on, Alex, so what if I am? I'm a big girl, I can make my own decisions, besides you look soooo sexxxy when I'm high, Alllleeeexxxxx even your name is sexy.'

She had started swaying again, twisting and turning and driving Alex crazy.

'Jesus Kel, but we talked about this, you agreed…'

'No, _you_ talked about it and _you_ agreed. _I_ never agreed to anything. You're not my fucking _mother_ Alex and more to the point I'm not your shit-head, asshole, drug fucked father.'

Alex flinched at the harshness of her words, astounded that something so small and beautiful and perfect could have that kind of language inside it, poisoning it, stripping the veneer.

'If you don't like it then you can just fuck the hell off. You have no fucking clue…'

'Kel, Kelly stop it,' tears were pouring down her cheeks, streaking her black mascara and cracking the picture perfect façade. Alex moved to grab her but she shook him off violently and shoved him backwards with such force that he tripped over the chair he had been sitting on before she arrived and crashed heavily to the floor, landing with most of his weight on his left wrist. He cried out involuntarily as a silver flash of pain burned up his arm and through his shoulder and exploded in his brain.

'Alex?'

Her voice, so harsh and out of control only seconds earlier was now timid and scared. He groaned and rolled onto his side, body curled protectively into a ball around his throbbing arm.

'Alex, oh God, I'm so sorry. I am just like him; I'm just the fucking same. Shit Alex, are you okay? Oh God, oh God, oh God, I have to go, I have to go, I'm so sorry.'

Her voice was breaking with sobs and gasps and panic as Alex struggled to his feet, cradling his left arm against his chest.

'Kel, no, please don't. Don't go baby, I know you're nothing like him, it was an accident; you didn't know the chair was there. Please don't leave me Kel, look it's not even broken,' Alex pleaded, holding out his arm and tentatively curling his fingers into a fist, the surge of pain caused his vision to blur and his body to sway and he used his uninjured hand to steady himself against the wall.

'Well, maybe it is,' he conceded thickly, the tingling numbness all to familiar from the countless other times in his childhood that he had 'fallen over things' and broken bones.

'But it's okay, it doesn't matter. Kelly, don't go. I'm sorry I got mad at you. Please don't leave me.'

Alex reached a hand out to her, pleading with her to stay as she stared back at him, lost and broken. She slowly shook her head, soft, blonde curls falling over her face.

'I can't, I'm sorry Alex, I'm such a fuck up and if I stay I'm just going to fuck you up too.'

'But I'm already fucked up Kel, so fucked up and I love you so much, you won't…'

'Don't Alex, you don't even know the half of it. Jesus, you're going to be a doctor, you're so much smarter than you think you are. It's just better for both of us if I go now before it all turns to shit,' she whispered and stepped past him out the door, leaving him devastated and confused and _alone_.

'_Please_ don't leave me,' he whispered desperately to her retreating back, sliding down the wall to sit hunched on his feet, a broken arm his only reminder of _her_.

---

_'Okay, starting compression, charge the paddles…'_

_---_

Alex was laying on his back on his bed, gently strumming his guitar, the tune an old one, an obscure one, but one that had always haunted him. He closed his eyes and pushed his head further into his pillow, hating himself for doing this over and over but knowing that he wouldn't stop. Not yet anyway, not until he could forget.

He felt a shift in the ambience of the room, something changed, the air warmed suddenly, suffocating him. He opened his eyes and was confronted with someone he'd not seen for two years.

'Jen?' he exclaimed sitting up quickly, too quickly as the room spun slightly. He blinked to clear his vision and hugged his guitar protectively to his chest, a shield in front him.

'What's going on? How'd you get in here? Where's…? Shit, is everything okay?'

'Yes and no,' she replied, sliding down the bedroom doorframe til she was crouched on his floor. Her eyes were still jet black, almost as black as her hair, she hadn't changed a bit, she was always the night. Kelly was the bright and the sunshine and the day and Jen was the dark and the pitch-black and the night. Jen and Kel, Kel and Jen. Still as joined, as right, as _perfect_ together as Kelly and Alex were, _was _past tense, had been once but not since forever.

'I know it's been so long but there are so many things that you never knew back then, that would have made things different, she still talks about you all the time and I know you still think of her,' she gestured towards a small picture in the top right hand corner of the mirror above his desk, taken on Kelly's eighteenth birthday, a lifetime ago now. They'd been happy then, well, Kelly had been high and Alex drunk but they had still been happy. Kelly's lips were pressed against Alex's cheek her eyes closed showing off one perfectly painted left eyelid in a rainbow of colours. Alex was grinning widely with his arms wrapped around her tightly.

'Yeah, well, we had fun back then, all of us but it was a different life right? A different time. It would never have lasted, we would have killed ourselves, either accidentally during one of those stupid stunts we used to pull or deliberately coz we were all so fucked up.'

'You know she tried right? Before and after you.'

'Tried what?'

'To kill herself. Before you she would use pills and booze, after you it was razors on her wrists.'

Alex sat up a little straighter, the blood draining from his face and sweat springing to his palms, his heartbeat increasing to such a degree it became _painful_ to live.

'She what? Why are you telling me this? What's going on?'

'Just before she met you she'd been officially diagnosed as bipolar. She was totally screwed in the head. She'd stay in bed for a week doing nothing but sleep but then get up one day, come and find me and we'd party for three straight days at time. Drugs, booze, music, boys, you name it. She'd been prescribed some shit when she met you but she wasn't taking it, said it made her worse than when she wasn't taking anything. She's back on it now though, she's…better, I guess. Not great but…better. The thing is, it wasn't your fault, maybe it was mine 'coz I knew but…it wasn't your fault Alex.'

Jen looked down at her hands, picking at the green cotton band that encircled one wrist, Alex wondered if Kelly still had her matching one, he knew his was hidden under his t-shirts in the middle drawer of his dresser.

'Anyway, I just thought you should know, she didn't mean to break your…'

'Jesus Jen, I know that! I never thought she did! I begged her to stay; I practically got on my hands and knees and pleaded with her like some pathetic puppy. I actually said I loved her, I'd never said that before, haven't said it since for that matter either.'

Alex laughed bitterly and ran his hands through his hair and over his face, taking a deep breath to try and stop the painful pounding in his chest. Pulling his hands away he was surprised to find them damp with shiny, salty tears he didn't even know he had shed.

'Did you mean it?'

The voice that replied was lower and softer than Jen's and startled Alex to his core. Looking up slowly he locked his eyes on hers, bright with unshed tears and something else he couldn't place. Fear? Hope? Maybe.

Jen had left the room by now and Kelly had made her way over to the bed, gingerly sitting on one corner and reaching her hand out to cup Alex's face, using her thumb to wipe away a translucent tear that was just beginning it's decent.

'Do you still mean it?'

Alex knew his voice would waver before he even opened his mouth but he figured it was nothing she hadn't hear before, he had nothing left to give her that she hadn't seen or heard before, except this.

'Yeah, I still mean it.'

He leaned in to kiss her, deeply, tenderly, _finally_ and it was like the last two years of desolate separation had never even occurred. She still fit him perfectly, every groove and corner rounding perfectly with his. They broke apart and she fingered his guitar, running her fingers across the strings, making them vibrate and hum.

'Sing me something Alex, like you used to, I've missed your voice so much.'

He picked up the guitar and she moved to fit herself in behind him, moulding around his back and wrapping her hands across his chest.

'Okay, you won't know this, but…doesn't matter right?'

He began to play, the nerves of having her so close vanishing as she wrapped around him and the words and the music took him over.

'_I will come for you at night time,_

_and I will raise you from your sleep._

_I will kiss you in four places_

_as I go running along your street._

_I will squeeze the life out of you,_

_You will make me laugh and make me cry_

_We will never forget it_

_You will make me call your name and I'll shout it to the blue summer sky'_

Alex put the guitar to the side and turned to face Kelly, to look at her eyes and her face and her lips in case this was all he was going to get, all a dream and he was going to wake up and she was going to be gone…again. He wrapped his hands around her face, stroking his thumb along her jaw.

'_We may never meet again,_

_so shed your skin and lets get started._

_You will throw your arms around me'_

He moved to unzip her jacket, unsurprised to find nothing but a lacy blue bra underneath, some things never change. She grinned and shrugged her shoulders, whispering for him to keep going. Keep going with the song, with the undressing, with life, with _her_.

'_I dreamed of you at night time_

_and I watched you in your sleep._

_I met you in high places_

_I touched your head and touched your feet._

_So if you disappear out of view_

_You know, I will never say goodbye._

_Though I try to forget it,_

_you will make me call your name and I'll shout it to the blue summer sky._

By now Alex was singing into her mouth, as she was pulling his shirt over his head and running her hands down his chest to unbutton his jeans. Her breath was hot and smelled faintly of cigarettes and coffee against his mouth making it hard to remember the words and the tune and the rhythm, making it _him _hard

'Jesus, Kel, I've missed you, missed you so much,' he breathed into her ear, discarding the song and his jeans and her panties in one move.

'Shhhh,' she whispered back, 'don't stop.'

I don't intend to, Alex thought to himself. I don't intend to ever again.

---

'_Okay, clear…Damn. Charge again. Come on Alex. Don't give up now.'_

_---_

They'd been back together for eighteen months when Kelly called Alex into their room and pulled his hand out, pressing something cold and sharp into his palm.

'I know this is all wrong, and that it's not supposed to be me doing this, but Alex, it's what I want so bad and I'm fairly sure you do too but I also know you well enough to know that if I wait for you then it will never happen. Look at it Alex, ' she said, closing his fingers around the item tightly, 'look at it and if you like it, I want you to give it back to me.'

She stepped back, looking up at him hesitantly, hopefully and Alex felt his insides switch positions slightly to make way for the blood that rushed there from his head as he peeled his fingers back and took in the shiny gold band and delicate diamond that lay there.

'What…_now_? You want me to give it back to you _now_?'

'Well, you can think about it if you want, consider it, buy a bigger one,' she grinned slyly, 'but yeah, if you like, you can give it to me now.'

Alex felt everything fall into place, the moment, his dreams, their lives, their future. He dropped to his knees in front of her, grinning and giddy as he pulled her hand towards him and kissed her fingers one by one before sliding the ring into place.

'I love it Kel, it's perfect and so are you, Mrs. Karev.'

They married six months later, in a small ceremony in her parent's backyard. His mother was there but he hadn't even informed his father, couldn't even begin to know where to look for him. It didn't matter though, everyone that meant anything to either of them was present, Jen was a bridesmaid, still as night as Kelly was day but now with a fiancé of her own. Alex's friend from Medical School, James, was his best man and played the role to perfection, balancing the jokes and the light-heartedness with the seriousness and formality of the day. Kelly wore a simple white dress that flowed, long to the ground and clung to her slim curves in a way that made Alex want to skip the ceremony and the reception and move straight to the honeymoon.

---

_'Right, Clear…Shit…He's still asystole…'_

_---_

She was wearing her wedding dress again three weeks later when Alex found her, laying in the bathtub in their small two bedroom apartment, the white material swirling around her small body, dark red blood staining the fabric a rich maroon colour that was so tragic and so shocking and so beautiful that at first all Alex could do was stare at her in a numb state of shock.

After the ambulance had been, after her parents had left, after Jen had been sedated and taken home by her fiancé, after James had fed him two beers and a sandwich and told him he was staying the night, would sleep on the couch, only after all those things had happened did Alex slide under the bed, _their bed_, to find the small package he had taped there way back when this all started, way back _then_, and had added to every two weeks ever since, _just in case_ he always told himself, _just…in case_. He unfastened the tape holding it in place and pulled it out, opening the small zip lock clip and sliding the shiny circles out into his palm, he knew exactly how many there were and his medical training meant he knew exactly what they would do to him. Fingering them gently, willing them to seep into his body by osmosis through the soft skin on his palm, they were his lifeline now, all he had left, all he had to hold onto, his one last remaining link to _her_. He closed his eyes and let the hot tears fall, like a bubbling stream down his face. He wanted to cry so much that the tears washed away his face, washed away his hands, washed away his whole life. He clenched the pills tightly in his fist and curled up on his side on the cold floor, his body trembling so hard his hands blurred and his heart pounding so fast he couldn't even begin to breathe and his chest constricting so tightly that he thought maybe this was the end anyway, that he wouldn't need the pills.

The pain in his chest was starting to overwhelm him; he could feel his pulse hammering right down to his toes. Sitting up slowly he tried to take a deep breath but found the air stuck in his throat. He heard knocking on his door and he hurried to slip the pills back into the clear plastic bag, sliding the lock closed before pushing them back under the bed, out of sight but not out of mind, _never out of mind_, just in time as his door was pushed open and James entered.

'Alex, you okay man?'

Alex turned to James from his huddled position on the floor, his eyes wide and wet and terrified, his hands clinging to his shirt over his heart, twisting the worn material out of shape.

'I loved her so much, so so so so much but now, now I hate her too. Why'd she have to go and make me hate her? And I hate myself 'coz she was everything to me, _everything_ and I…well, obviously I wasn't enough for her, not enough to make her stay anyway. What do I do now? How am I supposed to do all this, do _everything_, do _anything_…_live_…without her?'

---

_'Resuming compressions, charge again, this is not ending here…Okay, clear…'_

_---_

The funeral was three days later and when Alex woke up that morning he wasn't sure he could even make himself go. Someone, probably his mother, had given him some sleeping tablets which he had carefully, as though they were gold nuggets, slid into the clear plastic bag taped under his bed, four white discs amongst a sea of yellow. He didn't need sleeping tablets; he didn't want to sleep…yet. Even without the pills he still felt like a zombie that everyone else had control of. An endless stream of people pulling him in different directions, feeding him, dressing him, driving him, holding him up, sitting him down, putting cigarettes in his shaking fingers, beer to his numb lips like _that_ was going to fix everything, the only thing he had to do for himself was breathe and sometimes he found he even forgot to do that.

The service was almost over when Alex remembered suddenly, shockingly, that he had forgotten the pills. His plan had been to sneak back to her grave once everyone had left and toast to them, to _her_, with a bottle of whisky and fifty or so of the shiny pills he had pilfered slowly and steadily so she wouldn't notice, from the medicine cabinet. The emptiness in his pocket hit him in the gut like a sledgehammer and his legs gave way til he was seated in the soft, damp grass. He could hear the murmuring around him, above him, beside him but no one touched him or hauled him back to his feet. From this position he was at eye level with the coffin, the dark wood slowly disintegrating until he could see through it, see _her_ through it. Her blonde curls, her blue eyes, shining and free, smiling back at him, her lips, full and pink, her wrists…raw and bloody.

Something must have happened then because the next thing he remembered was laying on a bench under a tree with his mother and James hovering over him, James with two shaking fingers pressed into his neck feeling for a pulse.

'So I'm still alive?' he asked, voice hoarse and whispered.

James nodded slightly and his mother closed her eyes as silent tears slid down her soft, wrinkled cheeks.

'Damn,' he muttered.

---

_'Okay…Good work people. We have a sinus rhythm…'_


	7. The Sound Of White

-1**Chapter Seven: The Sound Of White**

Disclaimer: I see nothing, I hear nothing, I speak nothing, I definitely own nothing.

Word Count: 4555

Summary: Alex gets a friend…finally.

James was sleeping restlessly on the couch in front of his quietly flickering television when he was startled awake by a shrill ringing. Sitting up so suddenly that the room did a quick spin before his eyes, he hurried to locate his cell phone which had, over the course of the evening, worked it's way between the couch cushions and was now firmly ensconced in the base with God only knew what other detritus from his bachelor life. Finally pulling it free and giving it a quick shake to remove some stray crumbs of something…, he pressed the green answer button and mumbled a sleepy _hello_. The silence on the line annoyed him no end and he considered hanging up, rolling back over and giving away to blissful sleep again. It had been a bitch of a day and he could think of nothing better than curling up in a ball and shutting out the last sixty eight minutes of it.

'James?'

The voiced, instantly familiar, was so quiet and breathy and vague that at first James thought he had imagined it but then it all clicked into place, suddenly, shockingly, _painfully_. The day, the date, why it had been so shit, like subconsciously, this day was marked in his brain and was destined to be the worst day of the year for the rest of his life. _Shit_.

'Alex? That you man?'

He'd not heard from Alex for at least six months, he'd moved away to begin his internship at Seattle Grace only weeks after…well, only weeks after and slowly but surely James could feel him pulling away from everyone and everything that could somehow be associated with _her_. Hell, even his personality had changed, he'd become just like the people at Medical School they had both detested with a passion, arrogant, cocky…rude. They had nothing in common anymore save for some faded photographs and even more faded memories and James understood that if it was hard for him then hell, he couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like for Alex.

'Hey, if you're gonna wake me up, the least you can do is say something…Alex? You okay man?'

'James?' came the whispered reply and James felt his blood vapourise.

'Yeah man, it's me. You okay?'

'No…uh, I don't…fuck…'

The voice was cut off and replaced with a sharp thud and muffled sounds of movement and heavy breathing and James guessed that Alex had either fallen over or dropped the phone, or both.

'Alex? Hey, Alex? You still there man?'

The scuffling stopped and James heard what sounded like a door slamming in the background before Alex was on the line again.

'James?'

'Yeah, I'm still…'

'Shit…I…'

'Alex, what's going on? Are you okay?' James was beginning to worry now, countless scenarios playing out like a loud, technicolour film across his vision.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…' James heard Alex take a deep shuddering breath, all his medical instincts telling him something was definitely wrong with this situation, '…I shouldn't have called you, I'm…sorry…sorry.'

'Alex, where are you? Is there anybody else there? Can I maybe talk to someone else?'

'No, no, no…no…there's no one else…never anyone else…else around…just me…'

'Alex, do you want me to…I can come get you if you want, I'm not in Iowa anymore, I'm only about…' James glanced down at the steadily rotating digital numbers on the face of his Fossil watch, nearly eleven, _crap_.

'Alex, are you at the hospital? Or at least in Seattle? I can be there in about eight hours, do you want me to come up and get you?'

'I think it'll be…late…too late…too…late…'

James could feel all his worry turning to panic, reliving the lost desolation in Alex's eyes all those days ago, all those three hundred and sixty five fucking days ago and he began to feel the penne carbonara he had devoured only hours earlier threatening to make a return all over his living room floor.

'Alex, I really need to talk to someone else, are you sure there isn't someone else I can talk to? Where are you exactly? At the hospital? At home? Are you hurt? Al…shit…just…are you okay?'

'Everything fucking hurts Jay, every fucking thing hurts all the fucking time but…you wanna know the funniest thing? I think I'm having a heart attack, which would be fine, bring it fucking on, but no one here's going to believe me coz…they don't think I have one…and I don't think I have one either and everyone here…like actually _everyone_…thinks I'm some fucking hick asshole from some fucking hick asshole town and it's so much easier when they think that and now Izzie…and Addison, fucking Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd…no…wait…not Shepherd, not anymore, and Mark fucking Sloan…and…'

James had no idea who these people were though the name Sloan did ring some Medical School bells, all he could concentrate on was Alex's rambling, almost incoherent voice, he sounded wasted and if he was then James really didn't think he could blame him.

'Hey Al, Alex man, you been drinkin' yeah? You at a pub somewhere? Maybe at home? Is there someone else there I can talk to? I just wanna make sure someone's gonna look after you til I get there coz I'm on my way right? No more booze til I get there okay…'

James bustled around his apartment, having emptied his gym bag out onto the couch he had just vacated he then refilled it one handed with boxer shorts and socks and t-shirts from the yet to be put away washing pile, his phone still pressed to one ear. He figured if he drove straight there he could be at Seattle Grace in a little under eight hours. He just had to hope that if Alex wasn't at the hospital there would be someone there who would know where to find him.

'Hey Alex, I'm just getting in the car now okay? You wanna keep talking? Tell me about Seattle, have you been up the Space Needle yet? Hey, I know, remember that ninja chick we used to think was hot from that dumb tv show, you know the one that was half cat or something? You seen her around anywhere…' James broke off when he heard the chinking of glass and the distinct sound of liquid being swallowed very close to the mouthpiece.

'Hey man, no more booze remember, no more til I get there, Al? Promise me, no more booze til I get there?'

'Promises, schmomises, it's all a load of shit, one fucking huge stinking load of shit, I'm…sorry for…shit…sorry for calling, for not calling, for being such a hick fucking asshole…sorry Jay…I'm so fucking sorry…'

'Alex, man, it's all cool, we've all been…'

James' reply was cut off by the sound of the dial tone sounding in his ear, pulling the phone away to inspect the screen he confirmed that Alex had indeed hung up.

'_Shit_.'

Searching the received calls menu he found Alex's number and dialed hopefully only to be greeted by Alex's sober, strong, _familiar _voice instructing him to leave a message which he may or may not return.

'_Shit_.' James repeated, tossed his phone to the passenger seat and turned the volume of the softly humming radio up so loud that he could feel the metal of the car vibrating around him. All he could do was drive and hope to hell Alex didn't do anything stupid before he got there.

James walked up to the admissions desk at Seattle Grace hospital a little before eight am. He looked like absolute crap and he knew it but he could honestly say that he had never been more glad to be somewhere than he was right then.

'Hey,' he smiled at the pretty blonde behind the desk, momentarily forgetting the wrinkled shirt, the coffee stain he had created at four am and the dark stubble that he knew without even running a hand over it, would have doubled in length during his drive. She smiled back politely and took a small, unconscious step back.

'Good morning sir, how can I help?'

'Actually, I'm Dr. James Bartell, I'm looking for a friend of mine, Alex Karev, he's an intern…'

'You're a friend of Alex's…uh, I mean Dr. Karev's?'

'Yeah, I was wondering if you could point me in the…'

'Of course, he's up in the ICU, it's on the fourth floor, if you follow the signs you can't miss it.'

James could feel the relief course through him as he took in the young lady's words. If he was at work then he must be okay, probably had a mother of a hangover but…shit, thank God! He grinned back at her stupidly, thanked her and pushed away from the desk to make his way up to the fourth floor. Once inside, he leaned heavily against the elevator wall, the adrenalin he had been riding all but disappeared, leaving him utterly exhausted. Squeezing his eyes tightly shut before opening them wide again in an attempt to look a little more awake than he actually felt, he waited for the silver doors to slide open before stepping out into the quiet foyer.

Spotting the nurses station to the right he turned and quickly covered the short distance to the counter. There were three people behind the desk and they all turned to look at him at the same time, almost as though the move had been choreographed. The woman closest to him was in surgical scrubs and, in all honesty, looked as exhausted as he felt.

'Hi, sorry to be a nuisance but I'm Dr. James Bartell, I was told I could find Alex Karev up here. He's an old friend of mine…'

'You're a friend of Alex Karev?'

James was taken aback by the sharpness of her tone and the confused look in her eyes, he didn't look _that _bad did he?

'Ahh, yeah. We went to Medical School together back in Iowa, we've been friends for…' James was going to say years but was cut off once again by the short, dark, surprising _imposing _surgeon.

'Who contacted you?'

'Who contacted me?' James replied dumbly as an uneasy queasiness began to settle in his gut.

'Um, Alex did. He phoned me…last night, late last night, it seemed like something was up but he wasn't saying much…' James saw the surgeon exchange a look with the other two people behind the desk, a tall dark skinned man also wearing surgical scrubs and a more stately looking older man with a lab coat on over his casual clothes, the look did nothing to quell James' rising panic.

'I drove all night to get here and they told me downstairs he was up here, I figured…ah,' James ran a hot tongue over his dry lips, '…I figured if he was at work then…well, that I'd over reacted but…what's going on? Where is he? He is up here, right?'

James turned a full three hundred and sixty degrees searching for any sign of Alex.

'Dr. Bartell was it?' The older man spoke, his voice soothing and practiced and only adding to James' agitation.

'Yeah, but, James, it's just…James, what the hell's going on? Where's Alex?'

'Okay, James, Alex is up here but he's not working…'

'But…' James cut in, not understanding, '…if he's here but he's not working then…' Hot, hard, _heavy _realisation hit James in the centre of his chest and he raised a trembling hand to his mouth, '…Oh God, what…shit, but I was…I was _talking _to him, he _rang _me, where is he? What's wrong with him?' He turned to leave, to search, to _find _but was stopped by a female voice behind him, the same questioning voice from earlier, only softer now, compassionate almost.

'James, he's going to be okay, he's a bit of a mess at the moment but he's going to be fine. I'll take you to see him in a minute, I'm Dr. Bailey…Miranda…I'm Alex's resident and this is the Chief of Surgery, Dr. Richard Webber and this is Dr. Bourke…'

'Preston Bourke?' James spun around to face the group again, now recognising the smooth, dark skinned face from countless medical journal articles. '…and you…Cardiothoracic? Shit, what the hell's going on?'

'James…' Miranda placed both her hands on his upper arms, forcing him to stop pacing and listen to her.

'Let's just go sit for a minute, get you a drink or something, then we'll go see him.'

Ten minutes later James felt markedly calmer, the drink and Miranda's calming presence having done their job to perfection.

'I'm sorry I freaked out back there, I just…' James sighed heavily, 'I wasn't expecting it, that's all. I'm a bloody emergency medicine intern, you'd think I'd…well…' James shrugged his shoulders in defeat.

'So what did he go and do? I've gotta admit it sounded hammered when I was talking to him, I was trying to get him to put someone else on the line but he kept telling me he was by himself.'

'We're actually a bit unsure what exactly happened. He was drinking earlier in the evening with some of the other interns but then…something happened and he disappeared for a few hours before turning up at the ED about midnight where he collapsed at my feet. James, he'd overdosed on amitriptyline…'

James was sure his heart skipped a beat, maybe two, before bursting back to life somewhere in the back of his throat.

'…you don't know where he'd get amitriptyline from do you?'

James closed his eyes and leaned back deeply into his chair, slowly nodding his head in ascension.

'Kelly, they'd have been Kelly's. Shit…I didn't even give it a bloody thought. He must have…all this time…_shit_…'

'Kelly, she was his wife right? Where is she?'

James looked up sharply.

'You don't know?'

'Well, we think we might but, truthfully we didn't even know she existed until last night. The way it came out, well it was a bit messy, it's probably what got us to where we are now…'

James was saddened but not at all surprised by the news that Alex had kept Kelly a secret. He mentally berated himself for not keeping a closer eye on his friend when he left so soon after the funeral.

'Yeah, Kelly was his wife, she was diagnosed bipolar when she was about sixteen. I'm pretty sure they started using Endep to treat her when she was about twenty. That'd be where Alex got it from. She was pretty bad, pretty screwed up. Alex was great with her but…she uh, died…she killed herself…three weeks after the wedding, sliced her wrists in the bath, she was wearing her wedding dress…Alex found her…'

The memories flooded back, assaulting James with their vivid intensity. Alex, meeting him at the door afterwards, soaking wet still, quietly hysterical, refusing to change and covered in _her _blood, he remembered thinking if there was that much blood on Alex then the bathroom must look…well. Then later that night, clean finally but lost and empty and devastated as he asked James how he was supposed to live without _her_. At the funeral, when James thought there was every possibility they were going to have to sedate him but then he terrified everyone by passing out on the grass beside _her_, then finally, as he handed James a beer and calmly announced that he was leaving, his eyes still lost and empty and devastated but his demeanor arrogant and aloof, already beginning to change.

'Can I see him now?'

'Sure just one more thing. We had a hell of a lot of trouble stabilizing his heart rate, he actually arrested at about four this morning…'

James' eyes flew up to meet Miranda's.

'…he's okay now but, he ever say anything to you about chest pain after exercise or fainting episodes or anything like that? They've done an ECG and an ultrasound and found thickening of the cardiac muscle walls, we're fairly certain he's got hypertrophic cardiomyopathy which is what would have caused the strong reaction he had to the drugs.'

James shook his head, desperately trying to think back while silently wondering how much _shit _could happen to one person.

'Nah, nothing but Alex would never have said anything even if he did have symptoms.'

'You're probably right,' Miranda smiled warmly, 'So I'm guessing he was always the stubborn ass he is now?'

'You bet,' James grinned sadly back.

'Do you have contact details for his parents? We haven't got them listed anywhere…'

James nodded slowly, thinking carefully before voicing his response.

'Yeah, I probably do somewhere, for his Mum anyway but…ah, you'd probably want to talk to him about all that first.'

Despite knowing what to expect, James felt completely unprepared for the sight of Alex in the ICU bed. The ventilator he'd been told about was long gone, as was the NG tube but there were still IVs and monitors and nasal canulas and electrodes and despite knowing intimately what each of them did, he still felt uncomfortably overwhelmed.

James grabbed Alex's chart off the wall and stared at the words without really seeing them before replacing it and collapsing into the chair by Alex's bedside, running his hands over his face and sighing heavily.

'Alex man, how'd the _hell _did we get here?'

Not expecting a response, James was shocked when Alex's eyes flittered open briefly before closing them again in exhaustion.

'James?' Alex's voice was soft and breathy and confused and his throat sounded raw and painful.

'Yeah man, I'm right here. We don't have to talk yet though, you should go back to sleep. I'm not going anywhere, promise.'

'James?' Alex repeated, still sounding confused and disorientated.

'Where's Kelly?' Alex's eyes flittered open again and his head lolled bonelessly to the side to look for her, 'Kel?'

'Shhh, Alex, it's all good man. It's just me here. Go back to sleep and we can catch up later.'

James watched carefully as Alex's eyes opened once again and his vision seem to clear and focus.

'What…where am…what happened?' He asked, his voice sounding a little stronger but still harsh and painful from the various tubes that would have scraped it raw. He grimaced slightly before raising one hand, first to touch his throat then further up to pull at the nasal canula. James reached for his hand gently and pulled it back down to the mattress, noting the lack of resistance and fight.

'You gotta leave that there man, it's just a nasal canula giving you a bit of extra oxygen, nothing to worry about.'

The words seemed to relax Alex somewhat and his breathing began to level out and deepen. James was sure he had gone back to sleep and was consequently surprised when Alex continued.

'What happened? Where am I? How did you…?'

'Hey, one question at a time, firstly, you're at Seattle Grace or, more specifically, in the ICU ward, I got here by driving for eight hours straight after you rang me last night and as for what happened…well, we can talk about that once you've had some more sleep.'

Alex nodded slightly, the effort expended in that short conversation had exhausted him and James was relieved when he relaxed back into sleep. Finally allowing himself to relax also, James leaned his body sideways into the chair in an attempt to get some sleep aswell.

James was woken suddenly when a constant beeping sound that had been the background music to his dreamless sleep was suddenly silenced. Opening his eyes he found Alex sitting up in the bed attempting to detach the cardiac electrodes from his chest. By the looks of it he had already removed the nasal canula and the two IVs that had been there when James drifted off to sleep.

'Alex man, what the hell are you doing?'

'What's it look like?' came the terse reply, already sounding infinitely stronger and harsher, although still painfully raw, than during their earlier conversation. He struggled to remove the last electrode, his hands trembling slightly from the effort of sitting up and moving.

'Hey, woah, slow down there man…'

James moved to grab Alex hand but was roughly shaken off with a shove and a muttered _don't touch me. _

'What are you doing? Where do you think you're going?' James moved to press the call button, to alert someone to what was happening. He couldn't figure out why no-one had come but then realised that it was because Alex hadn't just disconnected himself from the machines but had thought rationally enough to turn them off first.

'Touch that and I swear to God I'll never speak to you again…'

Alex wasn't even looking at James when he issued his cold, flat, emotionless warning, James guessed he must have sensed the movement behind him as he shuffled towards the side of the bed, one arm wrapped around his chest supporting what James could only guess to be excruciatingly painful, bruised, cracked and possibly broken ribs from the CPR he had been administered only hours earlier.

'Get me some of your clothes,' Alex ordered through clenched teeth, indicating towards the gym bag James had carried in with him, intending, when he first arrived, to find somewhere to change and freshen up.

'Jesus Alex, are you insane? Look at you, you can barely sit up let alone _stand _up and walk, how the _hell _do you think…'

'James,' Alex's teeth were still clenched, his eyes also squeezed tightly shut as his breaths came in short, sharp gasps, 'I'm doing this with or without you so just hand me some fucking clothes…_please_. I have to get out of this fucking place before…'

Alex trailed off as James stood and picked up the bag at his feet, tossing it heavily onto the bed just out of Alex's reach.

'You know what Alex? Fuck this. Fuck _you_. You ring out of the blue after six fucking months of nothing and freak me out so _bad _that I jump straight in the car and drive for _eight _fucking hours to make sure you're okay and then when I get here they tell me you tried to fucking _kill _yourself and Jesus Alex, with _her _fucking pills. What…are we all supposed to think it's some tragic fucked up love story? Iowa's answer to Romeo and fucking Juliet? Well, news flash Alex, it's a fucking cop out. It was a cop out when she did it and it's an even bigger fucking cop out that you tried it…'

By now Alex had struggled his way gingerly into one of James' t-shirts and was busy trying to shove his legs into a pair of jeans. James was furious with Alex's selfishness and oblivious to the way his body was shaking and his eyes were blinking rapidly in an attempt to fight back tears.

'Sometimes I wish you'd never fucking met her…'

'Stop it…'

'She's fucked you up so bad and you can't even…'

'Stop it,' Alex repeated, louder this time but with a distinct waver that grabbed James' attention and stole his breath. Taking in the pathetic sight of his best friend, distraught and crushed and barely standing, James raised shaking hands of his own to his face.

'Oh God, Alex, I'm so…I didn't mean…I had no right…'

'It's okay…'

'No it's not, it's not even a little…'

'Sometimes I wish I'd never met her either…'

The resignation and sadness and pain in Alex's voice was mirrored in his eyes and painted vividly on his face. He sank to the ground suddenly, breathing ragged and fast, both arms wrapped protectively around his chest, eyes clenched shut.

James launched himself at the call button before grabbing an oxygen mask from the wall behind the bed and raced to Alex side. He pushed the mask over Alex's nose and mouth and held it securely in place while reaching for Alex's right wrist to feel for his pulse.

'Alex? You with me man?'

Alex groaned from behind the mask and opened his eyes to look at James.

'Chest…' he breathed, clenching his eyes shut again as the room suddenly filled with people shouting orders and crowding around them. Two people dropped to their knees beside James and he glanced over at them, recognising them instantly.

'What the hell happened?' The cold, commanding tone from this morning was back and Miranda's eyes flashed fire at James, making him shrink back from her and thank his lucky stars he wasn't _her _intern.

'Long story,' James answered before slipping back comfortably into doctor mode.

'He's tachy and complaining of chest pain…'

In all it took about ten minutes for them to have Alex back in bed and re-attached to the monitors and IVs he had expertly extricated himself from earlier. Everyone else had left leaving just Alex, James, Dr. Bailey and Dr. Bourke in the room. Dr. Bourke had just finished outlining Alex's hypertrophic cardiomyopathy to him and James could see by the way all remaining fight and animation left Alex's eyes at the news that there was a long way to go for them yet. Dr. Bailey placed a hand on Alex's arm and said James had five more minutes before Alex's visiting hours were over for the morning.

'But, so help me God,' she said, turning to face James, 'If I come back in here and find what I found before the only way you will set foot in this room again is as a patient, a very badly, _painfully injured _patient.'

Warning delivered, she had stalked out of the room followed by Dr. Bourke, leaving them alone again.

'Damn Alex, how the hell have you lasted as her intern for almost a whole year?'

Alex simply stared back at him…through him, unmoving.

'Hey Alex, you okay? James asked softly, reaching one hand out to lay over Alex's, surprised when Alex didn't immediately jerk away.

'Alex?' He squeezed gently, hoping to elicit a response and was shocked when Alex returned the squeeze and held it, his eyes blinking rapidly in a failing attempt to prevent tears from falling.

'Hey man, it's gonna be okay…'

Alex shook his head dumbly before whispering back.

'No it's not, nothing's okay…'

'Well, it might not be now but it will be I…'

'No,' Alex cut him off, shaking his head again.

'When I woke up this morning and you were here, well for a split second I forgot…I thought she was…I thought I could feel her in the room and then…'

Alex paused and raised his left hand, pushing his fingers deep into his eyes in a furtive attempt to stop tears that still found a way through the clenched lids and around the fingertips.

'Every morning it's the same and for half a second everything's okay again but then…then I remember and it makes my chest hurt and I feel _sick_…every…fucking…day…' Alex's voice was fading to a quiet whisper and James could barely hear his next words, '…I just miss her so much James, so fucking much and I don't…think I can keep…doing this anymore…'


	8. Emotion Sickness

**Chapter Eight: Emotion Sickness**

Word Count: 2835

Disclaimer: I see nothing, I hear nothing, I speak nothing…I definitely own nothing.

Story Summary: Another intern finds out about something from Alex's past with disastrous consequences.

Chapter Summary: Meredith finds out the truth…about more than just one thing.

Rating: Hmm, no naughty words I don't think. Just mentions of suicide and sex so…adult themes.

It had been almost two whole days since what Meredith was now referring to as the 'Drunken Izzie Blabs About the Dead Wife Incident', although to be fair to Izzie she hadn't technically known 'the wife' was 'dead' at the time. While Derek and Preston and even Dr. Bailey in her weaker moments, had given them updates on Alex's medical condition they had all been expressly forbidden to so much as set foot on the ICU floor until after the intern exam which was still a day away. No one had mentioned whether or not Alex would be taking the exam but Meredith figured either Dr. Bailey or the Chief would have spoken to him directly about it.

Sighing as the words on the text in front of her blurred together, Meredith slammed the covers shut and stood up to stretch her legs. Dr. Bailey had given them strict studying instructions before reporting that she would be in the clinic if anyone needed her. Recalling this piece of information, Meredith decided to tempt fate and venture to the fourth floor to see Alex. Hell, she was nothing if not a risk taker.

Exiting the elevator at the ICU, Meredith did a quick scan of her surroundings to ensure the coast was clear…well, clear of Dr. Baileys anyway. Taking a guess that Alex would have a spot in a prime location somewhere close to the nurses station Meredith set about peeking into the rooms. It was third time lucky _isn't it always _when she finally found herself confronted with an agitated looking Alex. She could see he was still on IV fluids and still attached to a cardiac monitor, the leads protruding from the neck of the blue hospital gown that he was loosely draped in. He was fiddling with the IV in the back of his right hand and the blanket that covered him was moving up and down with the rhythmic bouncing of his knee.

Meredith leaned against the door frame languidly, waiting for him to acknowledge her arrival. When it became apparent that he wasn't going to she cleared her throat loudly and grinned when he jumped slightly at the noise.

'What's a girl got to do to get a little attention around here?'

'Jesus, Meredith. You trying to give me a heart attack or something?' came the testy retort.

'Oh, ha ha. That's obviously not morphine in that little bag above your head coz I was decidedly cheerier when I got my night in the Hotel de Grace…or so I'm told!'

Meredith was unsure how to react when her attempt to lighten the situation was met with stony silence and a sarcastic smirk that was almost gone before it had even arrived.

'You know, I _am _risking life and limb by being here at the moment, the least you could do is, oh, I dunno…say Hi, Come in Meredith, it's great to see you, just push your way through the flowers and the fan mail and take a seat…'

Meredith saw Alex's mouth turn up at the corners as he pursed his lips together in a desperate attempt not to smile.

'Fine, have it your way, Meredith please do come in…' Alex finished in a fake, English accent.

'…and just so you know, I _have _had other visitors.'

'Members of staff and imaginary friends so do not count as visitors…which technically means I'm not a visitor either right? Hey, if Bailey comes can you say you called me to change your bed pan or give you a sponge bath or something because I wasn't joking about that life and limb thing.'

'She on the warpath, huh?'

'Who'd have known she'd be so protective of her little Alex? She must have finally succumbed to the Karev charms,' Meredith grinned and wriggled her eyebrows suggestively.

'Actually, I think she thinks she is going to be the first resident in the history of…well…residents to have all five of her interns fail the intern exam.'

'Well, I guess she's already one down hey?' Alex sighed dejectedly, again focusing his attention on the IV in the back of his hand.

'I'm still trying to convince them to let me do it, I studied so hard up until …well…' he trailed off as his gaze did a quick lap of the room but still stubbornly refused to meet Meredith's.

'You know, I think I could do it. I mean…what I didn't know two days ago is hardly going to have changed much by tomorrow, even if I had spent all this time studying instead of…well, this…' Alex gestured vaguely around the room to illustrate his point.

'Yeah, but you have had a massive concussion not to mention everything else Alex…'

'But everyone's been through shit this year, you and the drowning thing, George and the dad dying thing, it's not just…'

'Hey, give yourself a break Alex, George and I have had time to process those things…four o'clock yesterday morning you weren't even breathing…'

'And yet here I am…'Alex muttered under his breath so quietly Meredith struggled to make out the words.

Meredith had ignored the chair by Alex's side when she arrived and had instead seated herself on the foot of his bed, crossing her legs like a pre-schooler. She leaned forward now, onto her elbows, cupping her chin in her hands. Looking up at Alex from under her dark lashes she found him staring back at her.

'What?'

'Nothing, I'm just…contemplating your bendy-ness…I hope Shepherd appreciates it…'

'Hey!' Meredith said, sitting up and swatting at him playfully, 'I did not come here to have a conversation about my love life.'

'Well, it sure beats the hell out of talking about mine.'

Meredith leaned back on her hands.

'That bad, huh?'

'I swear to God, if one more person asks me why I didn't tell everyone about her, I mean geez…there's enough people around here that already think I'm some syph infested circus freak, so I didn't tell anyone, so freakin' what? You know what it's like…'

'People would have understood Alex, _I _would have understood. Hell, I even understand a bit about why you did what you did the other night. They made you talk to anyone yet?'

Alex leaned back into his pillows and closed his eyes, shaking his head slowly.

'It's only a matter of time though, huh?' he asked without opening his eyes.

'It doesn't work for everyone, I'm definitely not a great fan of it but you might be surprised you know, how much it helps to talk about these things, lord knows you have no trouble talking about other topics.'

'But a shrink? So my crazy wife off'ed herself in the bath wearing nothing but her wedding dress three weeks after the wedding? Doesn't mean…'

Meredith's blood ran cold and a breath which had only been half expelled caught tightly in her throat.

'Oh…so they left out all the good bits then?'

'Oh, Alex. I had no idea, I mean, well…we knew she'd…but, shit Alex. No wonder you're so…'

She was cut off mid sentence as Alex raised a hand up in a stop signal.

'See this?' He said, outlining her shape in the air in front of him, _'this _is why I didn't tell everyone. Coz now everyone's gonna feel sorry for poor little Alex who's own wife couldn't stand to be around him.'

'Alex, no one's going to think that…'

'Yes they will, they already do. Why do you think Bailey is being so nice to me? And Addison? And the Chief…even the _Chief _came to see me…'

'Alex, they came to see you and they're being _nice _to you because they _care _about you, not because they feel _sorry _for you. Just like _I _care about you and Izzie and…'

Alex snorted rudely, sitting up a little straighter with one arm wrapped protectively around his bruised ribs. Meredith winced a little in sympathy, remembering her own CPR aftermath experience and moved to help but was sent back with a look and a determined grunt.

'Hey, come on, it's Izzie. She was so drunk and she feels so bad about what…'

'Then why hasn't she been to see me?'

'We've been banned remember, life and limb Alex, life and limb.'

'You're here…'

'Yes, but I'm a rebel,' she grinned and cocked her head to the side.

'Plus, I'm Meredith _Grey_, the Chief would never let her kick me out of the program.'

'Anyway, she _is _sorry, she's one hundred and twenty six choc chip muffins kind of sorry and as soon as she can she'll be in here to tell you that herself…'

'So, she still thinks it's all about her then?' Alex smiled dryly.

'She does her best,' Meredith grinned back.

'You know she slept with George right?'

Meredith laughed before doing a cartoon-like double take.

'She what?'

'Izzie and George, the night of the tequila…'

'Come on Alex, you'll need to be a little more specific than that, tequila features in most of my nights.'

'True, true…okay, George and Callie had had a…'

'Wait…you mean post wedding sex? _POST _wedding sex? Oh God, _pre _wedding sex would have been bad enough but, oh God…George is a manwhore! _George_…is a…manwhore!'

Meredith was struggling to control her thoughts, images and scenarios playing out in her mind, images that she would give almost anything to erase.

'But they're like…they're _best _friends…they're like brother and sister…brothers and sisters do _not _have sex…in _my _house…sex in my house…oh God, was I there? Was I under the same roof as the sibling sex?'

'We were both there,' Alex grinned, obviously pleased with her reaction.

Happily, Meredith could see that her shock at cheered Alex no end and he seemed to be genuinely smiling, maybe even laughing, for the first time since she had arrived.

'Oh my God. I'll never be able to look at them the same way again.'

'Hey, you slept with George…'

'I know! _That's _why…hey…_you _slept with Izzie, _lots _of times…well, not _every _time…'

'Oh God,' Alex groaned and raised a hand to cover his eyes.

'Do you girls _seriously _have to tell each other everything?'

'Well, obviously only selective _everythings _in Izzie's case…but don't worry about it. It's comforting to know that even girls like Izzie get to experience that disappointment.'

As the laughter died down and a comfortable silence enveloped the room Meredith decided to take a chance.

'So Alex?'

She waited until she had contact with his eyes before continuing.

'What was she like?'

Meredith could have kicked herself as she saw the light that she had finally coaxed back into Alex's eyes extinguished in an instant. The blank look and the averted gaze were back as Meredith rushed into damage control.

'I'm sorry Alex, you don't have to…I shouldn't have…'

'No it's fine, just…not today okay? I just…not today. I really appreciate you sneaking in here to see me and, don't get me wrong, I was going stir crazy but just…I can't…not yet.'

Meredith nodded and placed one hand on his blanketed knee, feeling the slight twitch as he flinched away, looking tired and drained all of a sudden.

'I should probably get going now anyway, you should get some sleep…' Meredith stood to leave, 'but remember, if Bailey asks, I was never here.'

'Hey, Grey?'

Meredith turned back to face him.

'Thanks for coming, really. If it's any consolation, I'd rather talk to you than a shrink…'

'You would?' Meredith was surprisingly touched.

'Yeah, for sure. Only next time you need to bring tequila and inappropriate sleeping partners.'

'I'll see what I can sneak past the Nazi.'

'No, seriously Mer…thanks. I think we're a bit alike, both dark and twisty, and I think you do understand. You're just like me in a way only…smaller and…with boobs.'

'Alex, I know you're not ready but…when you are we can talk…if you want…or drink, although on second thoughts that didn't turn out so well for you last time. Hey, we could always just skip the booze and jump straight to the inappropriate sex!'

Meredith grinned as Alex smirked back.

'Don't make promises you have no intention of keeping, Grey.'

'Go to sleep Alex, you look like crap.'

'Yes, Mum.'

Meredith smiled victoriously to herself as she exited Alex's room before turning back to glance at him at the last minute only to find the despondent, downcast gaze and bouncing knee had returned. She turned back and kept walking knowing that she had already offered up everything she had, there was nothing more she could give. The news about what had actually happened to Alex had left her reeling, of all the scenarios she had imagined, both before the 'Drunken Izzie Incident' and after, none of them had even come close to the shocking truth. She was distractedly considering how she would have to completely re-evaluate her opinion on Alex when the elevator door she was standing in front of yawned open to reveal a jittery, nervous looking George with a backpack slung over one shoulder.

'George…?'

'I'm just taking this to…it's t-shirts and…it's for Alex, I mean…I thought he'd probably want to…'

'George, it's fine…I'm not Bailey.'

'I know you're not…of course I know you're not Bailey…she's not…' George's eyes did a quick flick first to the left and then to the right, 'she's not around…up here anywhere…is she?'

'No, as far as I know, she's at the clinic. Alex's room is just there,' she replied, pointing back in the direction she had just come from, 'but, don't expect too much…'

The elevator doors began to slide shut and Meredith took the opportunity to escape before any images of George and Izzie…well…she didn't even want to contemplate that thought. She leaned back against the rear wall, the cool metal penetrating her thin scrub top and settling deep in her bones as she slid to the floor to ride out the rest of the journey crouched on her heels.

The elevator stopped one floor before Meredith's destination and while she briefly considered standing, when the door slowly opened she found she was still floor bound only now looking up into the confused eyes of Christina.

'Meredith? Are you…?'

Meredith sighed heavily and watched as Christina did a quick check of the foyer behind her before stepping into the elevator.

'You were there right? Before he coded? Was he awake? Did he say anything to you?'

She could see the question took Christina completely by surprise and as she watched her usually eloquent and straight up friend struggle to piece together her response she wondered if maybe it was none of her business.

'Look doesn't matter…do you know where Izzie is? I just want to tell you both something….just so you're prepared…'

'Ah, yeah…she's in the cafeteria getting a coffee, I just left her there actually. She's probably still there if you want to go and find her, I'll come with you…is everything okay?'

Meredith heard the worried inflection in Christina's voice and immediately felt bad for freaking her out. She reached a hand out to her and allowed Christina to haul her back to her feet.

'Yeah, well…no but it will be…I think.'

'Riiight.'

They elevator stopped at the next floor and Meredith re-directed it back up a level so they could meet Izzie in the cafeteria. It wasn't going to be pretty, especially where Izzie was concerned but Meredith thought that if she told them in a public place Izzie might be controlled enough to keep the histrionics to a minimum.

'Izzie, there you are. Can I talk to you for a sec. Won't take long…'

She sat them down at a quiet table away from the smattering of other doctors, nurses and orderlies currently occupying the large room and calmly informed them of the bare details surrounding what had actually happened to Alex and Kelly. She admitted that she hardly knew any of the intricacies but that she thought it might be a good idea if they were prepared when they eventually went to see him. Unsurprisingly, Izzie had promptly burst into tears, silent, shocked tears that trailed down her smooth cheeks and dripped unceremoniously onto the table top.

'He must hate me so much…'

'Izzie, of course he doesn't….' Meredith began to reply but was stopped mid-sentence as Christina's chair flung back with a shiver inducing metallic scrape and she collected her books with haphazard haste.

'Uh, I have to go…do a…thing…for Burke, a thing for Burke. I'll talk to you later.'

'You know…' Meredith said, turning back to a silently sobbing Izzie, 'just when I think this year can't get any worse…'


	9. Breathe In Now

Chapter Nine – Breathe In Now 

Word Count: 3400

Disclaimer: They're not mine…

Story Summary: An intern finds out something shocking from Alex's past with disastrous consequences.

Chapter Summary: Izzie apologises…

Izzie wasn't sure exactly how long she had sat in the stairwell halfway between the third and fourth floors with her chin resting heavily on the handle of the wicker basket sitting on her lap, but she did know that it was long enough for her backside to go totally numb and for her eyes to lose all focus. She was still reeling from Meredith's news, one more thing on her rapidly expanding and diversifying list of things to feel guilty about. After all the unconditional support she had received from Alex in the aftermath of Denny's death _this_ is how she chose to repay him? She swore she was never going to so much as _look_ at a bottle of alcohol again for the rest of her life.

She breathed deeply, holding her breath until she felt ready to burst, blinking rapidly to clear her vision before resolutely standing and climbing the five steps that separated her from the ICU ward. Recalling the room number information Meredith had imparted to her in the cafeteria she covered the last few metres tentatively until she was hovering in Alex's doorway. His appearance shocked her and she couldn't help but wonder if this was how he looked now, how had he looked five, ten, twenty four hours ago?

He must have known she was there for he raised his left arm to cover his eyes with the crook of his elbow.

'I baked,' Izzie offered hopefully.

'I heard,' Alex replied dryly, not uncovering his eyes.

Izzie was momentarily confused before she realised…

'Oh…Meredith?'

'And George…and Christi…well, whatever…and now…you. What, is there some kind of baby sit Alex roster…'

Alex uncovered his eyes and followed Izzie with them as she moved further into the room, rounding the bed and positioning herself on the opposite side to the doorway. She could see that his eyes were bloodshot and slightly puffy and she found the thought of him crying even more shocking than his appearance.

'I don't need baby sitting…I'm fine…'

Izzie snorted reflexively and lowered the wicker basket of muffins to the floor.

'You may be lots of things Alex Karev, but fine is definitely not one of them…'

'And whose fault is that?'

The sheer coldness with which the words were delivered pierced Izzie to her core as she took an instinctive step back in retreat. Hot tears welled in her eyes and she had to force herself to keep her vision locked on his, to not look away. She reached one hand to her mouth; her fingertips barely touching her numb lips, as Alex lowered his gaze to his lap.

'Izzie, I'm sorry…'

'No, Alex, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…'

'Don't Izzie…please?'

There was a soft pleading in his voice, imploring her to stop but for the second time in two days Izzie ignored his pleas and forged ahead, reaching one hand out straight in front of her as if to touch him though the distance was too great.

'Alex,' she blinked and felt two fat tears scorch tracks down her cheeks.

'Alex, I didn't know…'

'Izz, please don't…'

She could see Alex's own eyes were bright with unshed tears and his voice wavered pleadingly. She took a step forward and released a small sob as he turned away from her onto his side, covering his face with one hand.

'Alex, I'm so sorry, I had no idea and I hate…' she was pressed up against the side of his bed by this stage. Although he had turned completely so that his back was now to her, she could see the sadness that was racking his broad shoulders and causing his strained breath to hitch desperately. She reached a hand down to touch his shoulder and felt him flinch instantly under her fingers. Undeterred she pressed on, lifting herself onto the bed and sliding her body down until she was pressed along the length of his back. She wrapped one arm around his middle protectively and laid her head on the pillow beside his.

'I'm so sorry Alex, it's going to be okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…' she whispered soothingly, repeatedly, as she felt him shaking beside her, the heartbreakingly silent sobs passing from him to be absorbed by her…the _least_ she could do.

Izzie closed her eyes, raising one hand idly to run her fingers gently through his short hair, her other arm still wrapped tightly around his middle, reminding him that she wasn't going anywhere and she wasn't letting go and she was _sorry_.

Gradually she felt the tremors subside until eventually he was quiet and still and sound asleep in her embrace.

XXXX

Alex had been asleep for about twenty minutes when Izzie felt a presence appear in the doorway. She opened her eyes hesitantly, fearing the wrath of Dr. Bailey, only to be confronted with the sight of a tall, blonde man she'd not seen before. She prepared to extricate Alex from her grasp but was stopped in her tracks as the figure raised one hand in a stop signal and carefully mouthed that he would come back later before turning swiftly and leaving. Releasing a breath she had been holding tightly in, Izzie allowed herself to relax to such a degree that she joined Alex in sleep.

XXXX

Izzie had no idea where she was or why her right arm felt strangely disconnected from the rest of her body when she was gently shaken awake some time later. Rolling quickly from her side she panicked briefly as her back met nothing by empty space before a firm arm grabbed her and steadied her in place, balanced precariously on the side of the bed.

'This is why we don't allow visitors to sleep in the same beds as patients,' a voice whispered dryly and it took her a moment to place it. Dr. Montgomery.

She sat up slowly, careful not to wake a still sleeping Alex, gripping her shoulder tightly as fierce pins and needles danced from her fingertips to shoot painfully up her arm, and found herself confronted by not only Addison Montgomery but also Dr. Bailey and Preston Burke.

Dr. Bailey opened her mouth to say something before looking down at Alex's prone figure and closing it again. Realising that she had been caught red handed so to speak, Izzie raised two hands in defeat, mouthing clearly _I'm going, I'm going._

She stood slowly and moved to grab the basket of muffins before reconsidering and indicting to them instead.

'Help yourself, they're choc chip. Do you want me to wake him?'

The last part of her question was directed solely to Dr. Bailey and she waited for her to nod in ascension before rounding the bed and crouching down in front of Alex's tearstained face. She ran one hand slowly across his forehead and down the side of his face while using her other to gently squeeze his hand.

'Alex? There are some people here to see you…'

His eyes opened suddenly, confusion and disorientation clearly painted in them. Izzie squeezed his hand again reassuringly as he rolled onto his back and took in the now crowded room.

'Hey, it's okay. I'll come back later…'

'Dr. Stevens,' she was cut off by Dr. Bailey as her name was used as a warning.

'Okay,' she smiled sheepishly at Alex who was gazing back at her silently begging her not to leave him alone with them.

'It's okay, I promise. I'll come back later, _after_ the exam. You'll be okay?'

Alex nodded almost imperceptibly though his eyes seemed to scream the direct opposite and as Izzie reached to squeeze his hand one last time she felt his fingers curl tightly around hers and not loosen.

'Alex?' Izzie could see his eyes had widened in confused terror and the cardiac monitor was doing a good job of betraying him also by increasing its staccato rhythm to reflect his increasing heart rate.

'What's wrong?' he asked quickly, his eyes flitting between the three figures rapidly as Dr. Montgomery was the first to react.

'Nothing's wrong Alex, I was just coming in to say hello, see how you were doing and Dr. Bailey and Dr. Burke just want to discuss a couple of things with you, okay?'

Alex nodded again and loosened his grip on Izzie's fingers, turning slightly to look up at her.

'You're okay? I'll talk to you later.'

She bent to kiss him gently on the forehead before exchanging fierce looks with Dr. Bailey, needing to portray her feeling that if Alex wanted her there then she would be there for him, _no matter what_. She was fairly certain Dr. Bailey got her message loud and clear.

With as much determined purpose as she could muster she turned on her heel and stalked to the doorway, feeling all four sets of eyes follow her out. She was almost at the elevators when a voice behind her stopped her in her tracks.

'Dr. Stevens?'

She turned hesitantly and took a deep breath, unsure of what to expect next.

'Yes, Dr. Montgomery?'

Izzie had slowed, allowing Addison to catch up to her, but she was immediately on the defensive as Addison stopped in front of her.

'I know what you're going to say. I don't deserve to be forgiven I know but…'

Addison held one hand up to halt Izzie's barrage of self-defence.

'Look, I didn't want to talk to you about that, I know you were drunk and you're sorry but frankly its really not _you_ that I'm worried about in all of this.'

Izzie felt colour tint her cheeks and she felt sufficiently berated. Addison had a good point but before she could wallow any further her thoughts were interrupted.

'Is he okay? I mean… I know he's not…_okay…_but…is he okay?'

Izzie was confused by Addison's sudden stuttering inability to form a coherent sentence before remembering the other _events_ that had led up to the even more eventful night. A slight spark of realisation ignited deep in Izzie's conscience. Dr. Montgomery liked Alex, actually _liked_ him and not just in a platonic, teacher/student kind of way. Izzie wasn't sure what to make of this information and was even less sure of how to answer the question she had been asked. Her unintentionally elongated pause seemed to fluster Addison even more and before Izzie had a chance to form a suitably vague response the rambling had continued.

'I mean, not that…it's just…not really any of my business I know…well, except he's my intern, well, not _mine_ per se but…'

"Dr. Montgeomery,' Izzie stated simply, hoping to break the flow of words that frankly sounded a lot more like a conversation she would have with George than with the Nation's foremost neonatal surgeon and Seattle Grace's own McSatan.

'Addison…it's okay. Really. I get it. Alex has that kind of effect on people…well on straight, single females anyway…actually probably the non-single ones as well but…the point is…it's okay that you care about him…'

'But I…'

'No seriously, I get it, I truly, truly get it. It's the only way I can explain why he's pretty much all I think about even though my fiance died suddenly and I recently slept with my best friend who is not him, so trust me: _I_ _get it_.'

'There's not really anything going on with us. It was a heat of the moment kind of thing and I'm fairly sure he doesn't want to do it again even if…'

'Even if you do?' Izzie finished for her.

'Which I don't,' Addison retorted readily, 'I don't think..oh…I don't know…you two looked…'

Addison seemed to catch herself and Izzie watched as she visibly straightened and checked herself before continuing the sentence, which Izzie instinctively knew was finished in a different way to what Addison had initially intended.

'…It looked like he had forgiven you.'

Izzie nodded slowly and gazed at her feet.

'Even though we both know I don't deserve it…'

'So…how is he?' Addison asked again, voice quiet and wary.

Izzie looked up, considering her answer before speaking, something new she was determined to learn. She was unsure how much of the truth Addison knew and didn't think it was her business to tell the end of this story…even if she had been the one to start it.

'Well…you know about the HCM?'

Addison nodded, indicating simultaneously that she did and for Izzie to continue.

'Yeah, well I don't know how bad it is, I think they're going to run more tests next week once they've cleared the drugs and the concussion and stuff but I guess he's pretty lucky by the sounds of it, especially considering how much sport I know he played at school. As for the rest of it…'

Izzie looked up at Addison and sighed before continuing.

'…I really don't know. I mean, I know it's early days but he seems really…different, quieter or something. I guess it's harder to understand 'coz it's Alex…you know? Evil Spawn Alex…'

Izzie drew a breath a turned to press the elevator call button.

'Anyway, I better get back to the books. I think we just need to look after him for a while. All of us,' she added deliberately before stepping into the cavernous elevator and watching as the silver doors slid shut.

XXXX

Izzie was so lost in her thoughts that she failed to see the tall, blonde figure at her front door until she literally ran into his back as he raised a fist to knock on the door. She squealed slightly, a panicked, tight noise that had the stranger spinning and almost scattering her sideways.

'Oh, God…I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I wasn't even sure I had the right address but…I'm James, James Bartell…Alex's friend,' he continued, obviously detecting the confusion on her face.

'James…hi. Um..I'm..'

'Izzie,' he interrupted, 'you're Izzie. At least…you're blonde…and beautiful…so…oh God…stop me please?'

Izzie smiled warmly at his panic and pushed past him to open the door.

'Yes, I'm Izzie. I dread to think what Alex has told you about me…come in,' she said, shrugging out of her coat and dumping her bag of books on the floor at the entrance of the living room.

'Take a seat,' she offered, gesturing to the couch, ' would you like a drink? Coffee, juice, tequila?'

'Tequila?'

'Yeah, tequila, we don't do beer here, we do tequila so…' she answered back, as though it were perfectly normal to offer strange guests tequila in the same breath as coffee.

'_Izzie?'_

Izzie heard her name being called questioningly from the second floor.

'Yeah Mer, it's me. James is here, Alex's friend…hey…you want some tequila?'

Meredith appeared at the foot of the stairs and entered the kitchen quietly.

'Yes, tequila, give me tequila…he is _here_?' she whispered seriously, 'like actually here in the house?'

'Yes he's like actually here in the house….why are you whispering?'

'I dunno,' she continued in her hushed tones, 'it seems kind of strange, I mean, two days ago I thought Alex had no friends, I mean, besides us…I used to think Alex just appeared here at Seattle Grace, like there was nothing before that…it's weird to find out he has a _past_.'

Izzie stared at her like she had gone mad.

'Everyone has a past Mer…'

'I know…just whatever…where's the tequila…and more importantly…where is _he_? Is he hot?'

Izzie grinned as James appeared in the doorway behind Meredith's back and cleared his throat slightly.

'Well, I'm no Alex Karev but…I think I do okay…'

Meredith visibly paled and grabbed the shot of clear liquid Izzie had just placed in front of her, downing the liquor before wiping the back of her hand over her mouth and turning slowly to face him.

'Ahhh…hiiii,' she sing songed, over brightly, 'Don't mind me, I'm just going to…well…whatever…'

Izzie smiled again and glanced at James as Meredith retreated past him and back up the stairs.

'Don't mind her, she's a little…umm, she's not normally like…well actually yes she is, she's always like that…she's just Meredith.'

'Nice to meet you Meredith…' James called to her disappearing back and they both smiled as she raised one hand over her shoulder in an embarrassed wave before continuing on her way.

'So,' Izzie started, setting one glass in front of James and taking a long sip of her own freshly poured juice, 'feel free to add tequila to that if you like but I don't drink…well, _anymore_, I don't drink anymore.'

'Bad experience?'

'Ha, you have no idea…'

Izzie watched as James eyed the bottle of tequila before disregarding it and picking up his juice glass.

'Anyway, I won't stay long…I know you have the dreaded exam tomorrow so you don't need me here taking up your study time. I just wanted to meet you all…I've heard a little bit about you, not much though 'coz I haven't really been in contact with Alex these past few months…'

Izzie frowned in confusion, setting her empty glass on the sink.

'Then how did you…I mean, no offence but Alex hasn't told any of us about you so…who contacted you?

'Alex did, he phoned totally out of the blue the other night. I could hear he was completely off his head and I knew it was the anniversary of her death so I told him to stop drinking and that I would be there as soon as I could. I kept trying to get him to give the phone to someone else but he kept saying he was by himself, eventually he hung on me and every time I called back I just got his voicemail so I gave up and drove straight over.'

'So you didn't know…I mean, you just found out when you got here?'

'Yeah, pretty much. I could tell he was wasted but I had no idea about…well the rest of it…'

'Did you see it coming? I mean, we obviously…' Izzie ran her hands over her face and took a deep breath, the feelings of guilt and remorse increasing.

'We had no idea and…he's not…we just never would have suspected…any of it really, the marriage, the pills, the overdose, the whole lot…'

'No I had no idea, he took off pretty soon after the funeral. It was like he woke up one day and was a completely different person. I guess that should have made me wonder but I just thought it was his way of moving on. Plus his mother was suffocating him, I thought he just wanted a new start…somewhere without the memories…'

'Does it surprise you that he's never once talked about it? I mean we were pretty close for a while…it was…complicated…and messy but I guess all the drama back then makes a bit more sense now…but…still he never mentioned any of it…'

'No, doesn't surprise me at all…he…,' James trailed off as if unsure how to continue, 'he didn't have the greatest childhood, any of it really…if you knew you wouldn't be surprised that he doesn't talk about it but…that's not really for me to get into…'

'No…I guess not, ' Izzie agreed, though she couldn't help but feel disappointed she wasn't going to get all the details.

'I 'spose he'll tell me if he wants to…'

James nodded and finished his juice, standing to place it beside Izzie's at the sink.

'Well, I better get going…it's a long drive…'

'Wait…you're leaving? Tonight? Now?'

'Yeah, I need to get back, you guys aren't the only ones with exams and…anyway, doesn't matter…'

He turned towards the door, collecting his jacket from the back of his chair, as Izzie felt there was more he wanted to say.

'What doesn't matter?'

'It's nothing really, just…look after him for me yeah?'

He pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his jacket pocket and handed it to Izzie, closing his fingers tightly around hers.

'I don't think he really wants me here…I'm from back there you know? I think it's all too much so…I'm gonna go…just look after him and call me if you need to.'

Izzie nodded dumbly, aware that he was handing responsibility to her and unsure of exactly how she felt about it.

'Don't take any of his crap and if he tells you there's something wrong, it's probably nothing but…if he says he's fine…just…well…he probably isn't…'

The door closed softly behind him, leaving Izzie alone and suddenly shivering with cold.


	10. Waiting For The Sun

**Don't Even Want To Talk About It**

**Chapter Ten: Waiting For The Sun**

Word Count: 3400

Story Summary: Something from Alex's past is stumbled upon by another intern with disastrous consequence.

Chapter Summary: Alex goes home.

XXXX

Alex was due to be released in twenty four hours but he deliberately checked himself out a day early and even more deliberately did it when he knew his fellow interns would be distractedly busy with rounds and patients and surgeries. He wanted nothing more than to leave the hospital and walk home and have a shower and go to bed because for all the sleeping he had done over the last eight days he still felt like he hadn't slept in months. His departure went a little more smoothly than his last attempt for a number of reasons. Firstly he was no longer in intensive care so the supervision wasn't as stringent. Secondly there were no reminders of his painful past sleeping in a chair beside his bed and lastly he no longer felt like someone was slamming a sledgehammer into the centre of his chest every time he moved.

It had only taken a moderate amount of sweet talking to get the nurse on duty to find his cardiologist and only a moderate amount of lying to convince said cardiologist that he was fine and would be better off at home than taking up much needed space here at the hospital. He knew he looked terrible, the eight days he'd spent laying flat on his back attached to a cumbersome machine had done little for his physique and he knew he'd lost weight when he got dressed into an old pair of jeans that should have fit snugly but now swam around his waist. He'd smiled ruefully at the excess material, thinking a few missing kilos was the least of his problems but if he could get people to focus on that then the rest of it, the less obvious stuff, he might just get away with.

Maybe.

Probably not.

With a bag full of medication (to slow his heart rate and thin his blood and mow the lawn and make the coffee, he thought dejectedly) discharge was sorted. As was the appointment he had with his cardiologist in two weeks time that he thought he would probably go to as well as the appointment with a psychologist for two days time which he had no intention what so ever of attending. Now all that had remained was a quick and quiet exit from the hospital grounds, which was the part he was most dreading. He prayed that if he ran into anyone it was Christina because she seemed to be avoiding him like the plague ever since their middle of the night moment, which was just fine with Alex, because he was already determined to pretend that it had never happened. At least he didn't have to worry about James hovering around him. He had apparently left without even saying goodbye and while Alex was relieved to have that living, breathing reminder out of way again he couldn't help but feel a bit abandoned.

His mother hadn't even called.

Maybe she didn't know.

He certainly wasn't going to tell her.

The walk home had been refreshing and the cool air a welcome relief from the controlled atmosphere of the hospital room but in hindsight it was probably a bit too much a bit too soon. The last two blocks seemed to stretch on forever and by the time he reached the red front door of Meredith's mother's house his vision was starting to narrow and a throbbing had begun to develop behind his eyes that was pulsing in time with his erratic heart beat. He lowered himself wearily onto the cold concrete steps to regain some composure before even attempting to focus enough to get his front door key into the lock. God, heart attacks sucked. He must remember to be more sympathetic to his cardiac patients in the future.

He stood shakily and fished his keys from the front pocket of his backpack before stepping forward to unlock the door. He had the key poised when the door flung inwards to reveal a harried looking Izzie, her head almost inside her ridiculously huge handbag and about to bowl him over.

'_No, he's not here…'_ Alex heard her say into the depths of the cavernous accessory and as she straightened up he could see the rectangle of a silver cell phone pressed between her shoulder and her chin.

He took a quick step back to avoid the collision and waited for her to realise he was there. He felt his already elevated temperature rise even more as he figured she was talking about _him_ not being there which obviously meant she had been sent to look for him, or had decided to do so of her own volition.

He didn't know what was worse.

He did not need baby sitting.

'Alex?'

She looked at him dumbly, almost as though she couldn't believe he was right there even though home was obviously where she had first thought to look for him if she had made it there before he did, even if she had taken Meredith's car.

'Uh, yeah…' he replied smoothly, even though he was fighting the urge not to scream in her face that he didn't need checking up on.

'Jesus Alex, why the hell didn't you say you'd been released? How did you get here? I didn't see a cab pull up, I could have…'

'I walked,' he stated calmly, evenly, belying his frustration and enjoying the shocked look of horror that crossed Izzie's face.

'You _what_? You _walked_? Oh my God…are you _insane_?'

He moved to push past her and into the house but felt something latch onto his backpack strap and spin him around harshly, his weakened state no match for a feisty Izzie Stevens.

'God look at you…you're white as a ghost.'

She moved to place the palm of her hand against his forehead but Alex was prepared this time and jerked backwards and out of her grasp. The move doing nothing for the pounding in his head but at least he was out of her reach now, if on the wrong side of the damn doorway.

'Izzie…what the hell?' he asked roughly, pretending he had no idea why she was so pissed and desperately hoping that his apparent confusion was enough to distract her from the fact that he placed one hand out sideways to lean against the side of the house because she was starting to sway in and out of focus and despite the fact that he had yet to eat anything that day he was dangerously close to vomiting on her shoes.

He obviously wasn't convincing enough.

'Alex?'

Her voice was questioning and slightly panicked that much he could tell. Exactly where it was coming from was another story entirely but he did vaguely remember what direction the open front door had been in the last time he could actually focus properly so he took what he hoped was a determined stride in that direction.

There step up into the house was slight but simply because Alex was Alex and any luck he may have been issued at conception was well and truly used up when his father tossed his mother down the stairs and she ended up delivering him, not breathing and under-developed at only twenty nine weeks and he lived to tell the tale, he tripped.

And would have face planted gracefully into the sideboard just inside the door had Izzie not grabbed him securely (and with only a slight protest from his almost healed ribs) and managed to steady him back onto his feet before almost immediately sinking to the hall floor with him as his knees buckled.

'Shit Alex, what…'

He felt two fingers press into his neck and the pressure it caused seemed to amplify the pounding in his head. He raised a trembling hand to his mouth and felt himself being leant slowly against a hard surface. Whether it was the wall or the floor he had no idea because his eyes were squeezed resolutely shut and even the blackness seemed to be swirling around him making it impossible to tell up from down.

'Alex…can you hear me?'

Izzie's voice was distant and distorted.

'Dizzy...' he breathed, not trusting himself to say more than that for fear that his stomach would rebel any moment now.

'Alex,' a hand was pressed against his forehead, 'do you feel sick?'

He dared to nod his head slightly, recoiling against the wave of pain and nausea it rippled through him.

'Do you want me to help you to the bathroom or do you want to stay here for a bit longer?'

In his disoriented confusion he managed to whisper _stay_ _here_ at the same time he pulled his feet up under him in an attempt to stand. Eyes still closed he felt his arm being shifted around someone's neck (Izzie's he desperately hoped for he prayed there were no other witnesses to his little episode) as he was dragged jerkily to his feet.

He tried to push away from Izzie, realising that he must be far to heavy for her to lug around but she silenced his protestations by sliding her other arm around his waist securely before asking if he was ready. He remembered enough not to nod again and simply pushed one foot out in front of him as an answer. It probably took them two minutes to reach the downstairs bathroom but it felt like hours as Alex fought to control the roiling in his stomach.

XXXX

'Well…that was fun,' Alex muttered, closing his eyes and turning to lean his exhausted body against the side of the bathtub as Izzie reached up to flush the toilet.

'Hey, I'm just glad it didn't go all over me…for a minute there I wasn't sure whether to keep helping or to leave you stranded in the hallway and save myself.'

Alex laughed half heartedly as Izzie continued.

'Seriously Alex, in all my time in medicine…'

'Yes, 'coz you're so old and experienced and all that…' Alex countered.

'Shut up, anyway…I've never actually seen someone go green before, not until now anyway…you were a regular ole' Kermit the Frog for a minute there!'

Alex opened his eyes only to roll them sarcastically at Izzie before letting them slide closed again. He heard muffled movements before something cool and damp was placed across his forehead.

'So feel any better yet?' He felt fingers clamp around his right wrist as Izzie obviously wanted to check his pulse and his weak attempt to shake her off was met with a stern _Alexander _which had them both stiffening instantly.

'Sorry…'

'Don't be, it is my name after all. Just not used to anyone besides my Mum and…well, besides my Mum…using it.'

'It's nice, makes you sound more distinguished…'

'Not the way my parents used to use it…they only bought the _Alexander_ out when I was in big trouble, which, come to think of it was most of the times they deigned to speak to me…'

The bitterness in his voice shocked him and he felt the need to cover it quickly with something else.

'So anyway…we gonna sit here round the toilet bowl like we're seventeen year olds at a house party or we gonna get the hell outta here?'

'Alex?'

Izzie's tone was questioning still, not prepared to move on from the subject of his parents as readily as he was.

'Izz, I'm fine...'

She snorted, a sharp, short sound that sounded far too unrefined for Izzie Stevens to emit.

'James said you'd say that…'

'James? You talked to James?'

'Yes I talked to James, he's nice by the way. Cute. You should invite him back…'

'What did he want?'

'Nothing…he came, we talked, we drank juice, he left again…'

'Juice huh? Run out of tequila?'

'Haha…you're funny…'

Alex opened his mouth to reply but it was cut off by a sudden scream from somewhere beyond the bathroom door.

'Izzie? Alex? IZZIE?'

'Shit…the door, it's still wide open…your backpack…shit…my handbag…'

Izzie scurried to stand up, yelling to Meredith that she was coming. The shouted reply reverberated around the small bathroom and Alex winced as the dull pounding in his head upped a notch or two. He sighed with exhausted relief as Izzie disappeared out the doorway and leaned sideways until his cheek was pressed against the cool tile contemplating whether he had the energy to stand up and deciding it would be in his best interests to look a bit more alive when the girls returned.

Which they would do.

Any minute now.

Alex had just rinsed his mouth out with water from the bathroom tap when two faces appeared in the mirror behind him. He turned and leaned on his arms against the basin, a half smirk (it was all he could summon) plastered on his face and one eyebrow raised.

A glass of water and two round white pills were thrust in his direction without so much as an explanation. He eyed them dubiously.

'Well well, it's not every day two sexy babes join me in the bathroom…three maybe, sometimes four,' he waggled his raised eyebrow a few times for effect, 'but not two…'

Meredith appeared to pay no attention to his words, disappointing because it had taken him some time to plan. Instead she cocked her head to the side as though examining a curious unidentified specimen, concentration written across her face as she wriggled the proffered objects at him, indicating for him to take them and to hurry up about it.

He relented and accepted what he assumed was paracetamol, admitting to himself that they would deal with the headache that still persisted.

'He still looks pale…what was his heart rate?'

'About ninety, not that he let me do it properly…'

'And he passed out?'

'Yeah, briefly but he'll deny that so don't bother asking…'

Izzie had tilted her head, her expression and posture melting to match Meredith's as she too regarded Alex with suspicion.

'Ahh, hello…right here…I'm not deaf…'

Alex waved his hand in front of their faces; quickly growing tired of the fussing and worry.

He was _fine_.

'I think his BP dropped suddenly, he was white as a ghost when I first found him, before he started the Kermit the Frog impersonation…'

'Was there any chest pain?'

'Not that he admitted to but…'

'Stop it…'

'There's an old blood pressure machine in the hall cupboard, its one of those manual ones but it still works, well…I assume it does…I used to use it on my dolls…'

'Stop it…'

'I'll go get it, you take him into the lounge room…'

'I. Said. Stop. It.'

That got their attention.

Finally.

'I am NOT your freakin' doll…'

Alex stepped forward and pushed roughly between them, ignoring their startled cries of _Alex_ and _wait._

He took the stairs two at a time (a remarkable achievement all things considered he thought…) and managed to close his bedroom door behind him with the perfect balance of control and volume, almost a slam but not quite.

He slumped with relief onto his bed, relishing the familiar feel of the mattress he had lugged with him since Medical School.

His mattress.

Their mattress.

Back to his mattress again.

He took a deep breath in and slowly counted to ten before releasing it again. He could feel his heart beating, it seemed different now which he knew was ridiculous but he couldn't shake the disconcerted feeling that had been building inside him ever since Doctor Burke had broken the news to him.

There was a soft knock on the door followed by a tentative _Alex_. He groaned and pulled the pillow out from under his head, clamping it down over his face before acknowledging Izzie with a muffled _what?_

He heard the door slide open and the light footsteps as Izzie obviously crossed the room. There was a moment of stillness before the mattress dipped and a weight settled beside him.

He kept the pillow clamped in place.

'Alex?'

'Izzie...'

'Sorry about…we're just worried about you…'

'Don't be…I'm fine…'

'Alex, you're not fine…fine people don't spend eight days in hospital. They don't vomit up nothing and they don't pass out in hallways after walking a few blocks…'

'I didn't pass out.'

'Alex…'

The pillow was pulled away and he decided not to fight it. Izzie, equal parts apologetic and stubborn, gazed down at him. There was something dusty in her lap and it took Alex a moment to place it.

The bloody blood pressure machine.

He groaned again and rolled away to face the wall.

'Alex, if you're fine then this won't be a problem…'

Izzie obviously guessed what caused his reaction and Alex silently cursed her for making a good, rational point. He stuck his left arm back and out in front of her but refused to roll back over.

'Knock yourself out.'

The cuff was slid up his arm and Alex heard the familiar puffs as Izzie wordlessly inflated device. Something cold and flat was placed at the crook of his elbow and he dared a peek to see what she was up to. A stethoscope. Bloody hell, she was a regular Florence Nightingale.

'Did you get that out of Meredith's dolls house too?'

Izzie rolled her eyes at him but didn't reply her attention obviously turned to the pounding of his blood in her ears.

'What's the verdict?'

The voice came from somewhere over Izzie's shoulder and Alex closed his eyes while silently wondering how long she had been standing there. Probably as long as Izzie had been tending to him.

'If you two are going to play nurse the least you could do is wear the uniform…'

Alex's attempt to distract them (a good one he thought) went by unacknowledged as instead Izzie turned to face a still out of view Meredith.

'Still a bit low and pulse is 82 so better but still not great. I can't believe they released him…'

'Izzie…again…please stop with the pretending like I'm not even in the room…I can hear everything you say…'

'I know you can but I get the distinct impression that I could say your pulse was two fifty and your BP non-existent and you really wouldn't care all that much so me and Meredith…we'll do the caring for you. You can just lay there and put up with it, this…' she waved her arms around for effect, 'is what friends do…well, friends with medical degrees anyway…'

'Izzie…I'm…'

'Alex I swear to God, if you say you're fine one more time I'll put this damn cuff around your neck…'

He slid his eyes open tentatively at the determined heat in her words. She was staring at him fiercely and even had her accusing pointer finger out and flailing in his direction for good measure.

'…Like I said…friends with medical degrees…you can't fool us…'

Alex sighed in resignation and reached a hand up to grab at the aforementioned finger, closing his fist around it and pulling her down onto the bed beside him so that her head was resting on the soft part of his shoulder.

'I know. I'm a terrible patient, a terrible friend, a terrible person…'

Izzie sat up suddenly and planted a flattened hand on the centre of Alex's chest.

'Alex Karev, you are _not_ a terrible person, or a terrible friend. I'll give you the terrible patient part 'coz that you definitely are…but the rest is a load of crap and you know it.'

Izzie stood the rest of the way, finally revealing a silent Meredith still leaning in the doorway.

'We are going to make some lunch, which you are going to eat…all of it…and then we are going back to the hospital and you are going to sleep and you are going to stay asleep until we get back and wake you up for dinner. Right?'

Alex nodded too tired and slightly dumbfounded by her audacity to argue back, a move which visibly shocked Izzie too as she looked set to repeat her demands before catching herself and clamping her mouth shut with a clink of teeth and a slight nod of her head.

'Well…good,' she finished, always needing the final say before turning and following Meredith's exit from the room.

Alex shut his eyes again and bent one arm across his closed lids. Is this how it was going to be from now on? Constantly smothered by his female housemates, he dreaded to think what life would be like when (if?) he was allowed back to the hospital. Pushing the thoughts doggedly from his mind he sat up slowly, acknowledging Izzie was probably right about the blood pressure situation as the room faded out once before settling while he stood to follow the girls out into the kitchen for lunch.

He should probably mention that to the cardiologist.

Maybe.

Probably not.

He'll just say he's fine.

Because if he says it enough times maybe it will become the truth.


	11. Keeping Secrets

**Don't Even Want To Talk About It**

Chapter 11: Keeping Secrets 

Word Count: 1600

Rating: Probably some naughty words but nothing more…I'm saving it all for the next chapter.

Story Summary: Another intern stumbles upon something from Alex's past.

Chapter Summary: Addison pays a visit.

XXXX

Addison told herself she waited two whole days before going to see Alex after he'd been discharged because she knew he would need to rest, because she didn't want to overwhelm him, because she didn't want to give him the wrong idea. Reality was a totally different story. She felt like she was back in high school and silently wished for her best friend in year nine, Rebecca to suddenly appear and offer to drop off a _'do you like me? A yes, B no' _note scrawled on a torn piece of scrap paper.

She'd visited Alex in the hospital on a handful of occasions, each time armed with a convenient excuse for her appearance.

_Patients are asking after you…said to say hi…_

_Mrs. Johnson delivered the twins with no complications…thought you'd like to know…_

_Baby Curtis is finally being discharged…his Dad says thanks for all that you did…_

Plausible reasons.

She had absolutely no plausible reason to turn up on his doorstep.

Yet here she was.

He'd been friendly, pleasant if somewhat distant during the time she had spent with him while he'd been in the hospital though through conversations she'd had with Izzie and even Dr. Bailey about him she'd gathered the distance was something everyone had noticed. While she sympathised to a certain extent regarding what it felt like to have the entire hospital gossiping about your private life she knew her situation was completely different to his and she also expected that she had been better equipped to deal with it.

As well as the small fact that she hadn't deliberately overdosed and ended up unconscious on the ER floor.

Addison shuddered slightly at the memory of Derek's rushed phone call and the 4am page she'd received that had almost frozen her blood.

Before allowing another thought to form she raised her fist and knocked twice, confident and assertive.

Trembling and tentative.

When, approximately sixty seconds later, there still appeared to be no movement behind the door she raised her pointer finger and stabbed at the doorbell she had initially ignored. Doorbells had always seemed too intrusive and impersonal. She only used them as a last resort.

When this again seemed to illicit no response she resigned herself to the fact that all her misplaced panic had been for nothing and turned to beat a hasty retreat. She had descended two of the steps when she heard the door behind her creak open before a muffled _Addison_ had her spinning back on her heel.

'Alex…hey…sorry to disturb you…I just wanted…'

What? What the hell did she want? He looked like he'd just woken up, dressed in grey sweats and a black t-shirt, hair dishevelled, unshaven…rugged.

_Jesus. _

'Did I wake you?'

'Uhhh, I don't really know…which probably means yes.'

He flashed her a smile, all perfect, white teeth and sheepish embarrassment.

_Addison, get a grip._

'You wanna come in?'

'Uh, only if you're not busy. I just came to see how you were doing.'

'Okay, so let me re-phrase that…you can only come in if you promise not to ask me how I am, I'm fine…there I'll tell you now so you don't even need to ask…'

Despite the fact his lips curled back into a smile it didn't even reach half way to his eyes. Addison knew there was a large degree of hidden seriousness in his request.

'Okay…I'll ahhh, try my best…but just so _you_ know, you don't look fine…'

Well, you do look fine but not fine fine if you know what I mean… 

'…so I may choose not to believe you and ask anyway…'

'Hmmm…' Alex narrowed his eyes at her, as if weighing up his options, before stepping back into the hall and opening the door wider, a silent invitation.

She shrugged out of her jacket and draped it over the back of a chair as Alex indicated for her to follow him into the kitchen.

'You want a coffee or something? I'm gonna have one…'

She nodded that she would and watched him as he set about preparing the drinks. He'd obviously lost weight, that much she could tell without having to ask. There was a dark, round bruise on the back of his right hand where he'd had the cannula inserted and then re-inserted.

'So how's things at the hospital? Have I missed anything exciting?'

The sudden question snapped Addison from her reverie and although he didn't turn around she couldn't help but feel caught out as a pink flush rose on her cheeks.

'Nothing too exciting, just the usual really, babies, babies and more babies…'

He turned then and placed a steaming mug of coffee in front of her.

'Harry Potter?' she asked, raising an eyebrow at the motif on the side of her cup.

'Not me, Izzie and even then I don't think she's read it…or seen any of the movies for that matter.'

'So…how's it been since you moved in here? Not too much oestrogen for you? I'd have thought you'd have got enough of that at the hospital.'

'Nah, they're okay. Mostly harmless.'

He raised his eyes but not his head, staring up at her through long, black lashes.

'I think.'

You think? 

Addison eyed an ancient blood pressure monitor placed on one side of the kitchen table and inclined her head in its direction.

'They been using that on you?'

'Don't even get me started on that freakin' thing. Would you believe Meredith used to use it on her dolls?'

'Actually, yeah I would,' Addison laughed, 'I once told Derek she was the perfect twelve year old.'

'Well now Izzie attacks me with it every chance she gets, reckons my blood pressure's too low…'

'Is it?'

Alex's eyes flew up to meet hers before dropping quickly back to his coffee with a shrug of his shoulders.

'Alex?'

'What?'

Addison rolled her eyes.

'Is it?'

'I dunno…maybe.'

'Have you told anyone?'

'What, you mean besides my live in nurse and her trusty side kick?'

'Like your cardiologist? Like Dr. Burke?'

His took a slurping sip of coffee, which was answer enough for Addison.

'I'll take that as a no then.'

Alex slid the now empty coffee cup away and lowered his forehead and elbows to the counter top, interlocking his fingers on the back of his neck. Addison could hear him sigh deeply.

'Alex, believe it or not there are people around here that care about you.

He raised his head til he was resting on his chin and looked up at Addison, sighing again.

'I know…it's just…I'm not really used to it and it's all been a bit much…plus everyone at the hospital seems to be talking about me like I'm some kind of helpless puppy that needs looking after, which is crap 'coz I can look after myself. You must know how much it sucks to have the whole hospital gossiping about you…'

'Alex, I'm not even going to pretend that what I went through is _anything_ _like_ what you're going through right now.'

'I'm not _going through_ anything…I'm fine.'

'Alex…'

He rubbed his hands over his rough face, Addison could hear the skin of his palms scrape against his unshaven cheeks. When he looked back at her his eyes were bright and he swallowed thickly.

'Have you talked to anyone yet? Did they make you an appointment to talk to someone?'

He seemed to hesitate momentarily before nodding his head once.

'How did it go?'

He shrugged his shoulders and Addison felt a sudden urge to pull handfuls of her own hair out, which was saying something because she _loved_ her hair.

She slid her hands across the table and placed them over his in a gesture that was meant to be comforting and reassuring.

'You don't know how it went? When was it?'

Alex snapped his hands out of her reach and sat back in his chair, face stony and guarded. He glanced over at a large ornate clock on the kitchen wall and without turning back to Addison spoke again.

'Should be finished in ten minutes.'

'Should be what?' Addison was momentarily confused.

'Oh…'

He shrugged his shoulders again, lost.

'Why didn't you go?'

'Didn't have anything to say.'

'You don't think it would help to talk to someone about it?'

'About what? I told you I don't have anything to say, no freakin' shrink is going to be able to change what's already happened so what's the point paying hundreds of dollars to _talk_ about it.'

He slid his chair back abruptly, the wooden feet scraping harshly against the linoleum floor, then stood and began pacing the length of the kitchen like a caged animal, the sound of his bare feet counting out his steps.

'Have you at least talked to your parents? What about siblings? You know HCM is genetic, they'll need to be tested.'

'Addison.'

His tone was warning, defensive and his face had lost all colour causing Addison's thoughts to flick suddenly to Izzie's blood pressure worries.

'Alex, just sit back down.'

He continued pacing, appearing not to hear her. She stood and rounded the table to stand in his way.

'Alex, sit back down.'

'I'm not calling him.'

'Not calling who? Alex, really…just sit back down, please?'

He stepped around her and out into the hallway.

'My father, I'm not calling him.'

'Why not? Don't you want him to get checked out?'

Stunned, Addison had followed him out of the kitchen and across the hall into the adjacent living room where he was continuing to pace agitatedly. Addison wasn't sure where this had all gone so wrong.

'I'm not calling him, you can't make me.'

'Nobody's going to make you do anything Alex, I promise, now please sit down.'

He seemed to stop all of a sudden, almost collapsing onto the worn sofa. Resolve depleted, defeated.

'I'm not calling him.'


	12. Reflections Of A Sound

**Don't Even Want To Talk About It**

Chapter 12 – Reflections of a Sound 

Word Count: 3100

Story Summary: Another intern stumbles across something from Alex's past.

Chapter Summary: And they say the Winchester boys have 'daddy' issues.

**WARNING: Lots of swearing, drug use and abuse, violence.**

XXXX

_John Karev closed his eyes and concentrated solely on the feel of the drumsticks in his hand, the floor beneath his left foot vibrating with a hum that coursed through his body and filled his senses as an invisible beat marched through the room and crept up on everyone in it. The air was smoky with cigarette ash and something sweeter, more primal, a heady combination of cannabis and sweat, perfume and sex. Flickering stage lights danced across the faces of the swaying crowd, before sweeping his band-mates, their reflections mirroring his own; high, sweat sheened, lost in the moment, the music, the memories._

_The music cut off suddenly and the microphone was thrust forward as the pulsating mass at their feet screamed the lyrics back at them, no matter how terrible or inept the individual, an entire crowd chanting as one was the sweetest sound in live music. The guitars cut back in as John's hands, the wooden sticks simply an extension of his own body, played the beat by heart leaving him free to relish the feeling, the emotion, the freedom. _

_The red hue of the spotlights flashed across his bare arms, muscles tensed and sinewy, skin lightly tanned and freckled, track marks and decade old scarring hidden as though perhaps they never existed in the first place. He welcomed the sudden darkness as the light skipped off him again only to feel it penetrate his heart a second later as it flashed across the small figure hunched on a bar stool at the very back of the bar. The light passed over the form so quickly and John was so in tune with the sound that he was easily able to convince himself it had never happened. _

_The beat reached a climactic crescendo before drawing to an end and John forced himself to stay in the moment, to memorise the colours and the patterns and the smells. A familiar ritual bought on by the calm realisation that this wouldn't be forever and once the house lights were on and the crowd had thinned and the drugs had abated real life beckoned. He kept his eyes closed, swaying slightly on the low stool, twirling the drumsticks expertly in fast, tight circles._

'_John? What the fuck you think yer doin'?'_

_He snapped his eyes open, the sudden bright whiteness shocking his pupils into shrinking shut until he could get an arm up in front of them to squint behind._

'_Fuck off Ray, get me a fuckin' drink would ya?'_

'_You got more to think about than feedin' yer liver John.' _

_Ray the resident security guard, usually stationed at the bottom of the ten concrete steps, indicated with a twist of his thick neck to the bar stool that had caught his attention mid song. The crowd had emptied somewhat leaving the path between the stage and the bar relatively clear as those that had stayed congregated on the tables that had been pushed to the side or in the toilets, littered with vomit and syringes and scraps of tinfoil. _

'_What the…? How the hell'd he get in here?'_

'_Well I was hardly gonna leave ' im on the sidewalk was I?'_

'_Jesus Ray…' John stood gingerly, instantly, unwelcomely sobering,_

'_Hey,' Ray held his hands up in front of himself in defeat._

'_Not my problem to deal with Johnny Boy but Jesus…you ever feed the poor S O B?'_

_John allowed his gaze to cross the dance floor before he allowed his feet to. Huge brown eyes, unblinking and wide stared up at him from under thick black lashes. He had jeans on; there was a frayed hole in the left knee and the untied laces of his once white trainers dangled almost to the floor. His jacket was tucked under his right arm while his dominant left hand clutched at something blue and plastic looking. It only took John a flash to recognise the worn head of the Smurf he had purchased in a fit charitableness six years ago._

'_What the hell Alex? How'd you get here?'_

'_Mum's not home.'_

'_Whadda you mean she's not home? Where the bloody hell else would she be?'_

_A chorus of catcalls and whistles erupted on the opposite side of the bar._

'_Told ya you needed to tame that bitch…'_

'_Shut the fuck up, Jack,' John retorted without looking in their direction, instantly stiffening at the thought of looking stupid in front of his friends._

'_Where is she?'_

_A slight shrug of bony shoulders and a lowered gaze his only response._

'_So you decided to walk yourself on over here instead huh?'_

'_I wanted to see you play the drums.'_

'_How many God damn times do I have to tell you?'_

_The flinch was visible and had the cocaine buzz not been wearing off and pounding between his ears John might have cared._

'_How many fucking times Alex?'_

'_I just thought…'_

'_No you didn't just think 'coz you never fucking think…'_

'_Hey hey no need to go postal on his scrawny ass, the kid just wanted to see his old man play…ain't that right?'_

_Ray was back, his imposing physique towering over both Alex and John as he placed a sweating glass of lemonade on the bar beside the small boy._

'_Why don't we sit here while ya Dad goes out the back and sorts his shit out? Right John? We'll stay right here til yer ready to head off.'_

_John sighed and rubbed his greasy fingers across his face, briefly taking in the way Alex's gaze was still rooted to the toes of his shoes and his arms were now pulled across his chest in a protective manner. He looked smaller than his eight years indicated he should be._

_He looked like his damn mother._

_That fucking bitch._

_He took a step backwards before turning and stalking across to the dimly lit backstage area. The lead singer, a steroetypically tattooed figure, was lounging on an amp, casually blowing smoke rings up into the space above his head. _

'_Fuckin' awesome crowd tonight John boy.'_

_John nodded tersely, craving a cigarette himself. Locating his bag tossed haphazardly into a corner he scrounged desperately finally grasping the familiar plastic covered cardboard only to pull it out and find it empty. _

'_Fuck.'_

_He scrunched the packet tightly in his fist and launched it at the wall opposite._

'_Problem?'_

'_No fuckin' cigarettes, so yeah, I'd say that's a problem…'_

'_You know you don't want a cigarette John, that ain't gonna cut it tonight. I heard the carry on at the bar…that kid out there yours?'_

_John's chest tightened slightly at the way Wayne mentioned his son. The casual inflection in his voice that seemed to hide something more sinister._

'_So what if it is.'_

_John rarely spoke of his family life to his band mates and he certainly didn't discuss Alex. They got together to create music and, usually, to smoke, snort, inject or ingest illicit substances of some persuasion or another. Alex had been in his life in spits and starts for a little over eight years, his mother just eight or so months more than that._

_He could still remember when Cherie first told him she was pregnant. He had no idea how many times they'd slept together or, if he was honest with himself, whether they had slept together at all but she was so damn convincing that he didn't even bother arguing. He figured he'd just take her to the clinic and get the thing sucked right back out again anyway and he almost had her there too, until her friends started getting in her ear about babies and strollers and teddy bears and first steps and first words. _

_He could still remember when Cherie told him she wanted to call the poor little thing Rain. Fucking Rain! At first he thought she was deliberately trying to piss him off. He pushed her down the stairs when she insisted she wasn't joking. He was delivered three hours later, tiny and blue and not breathing and Cherie told John she loved him and she was sorry for making him angry and let him call his son Alexander._

_He could still remember when Alex finally broke two and a half years of silence by uttering his first word, 'Dad'. Like he'd had nothing important to say for those first thirty-six months so had simply decided to remain silent, he didn't even cry unless he was sick, just sat back and sucked it up like he knew what was ahead for him. Like he was practising._

_He still didn't speak much and considering how much his mother constantly yapped at him John was grateful for the silence. Instead he settled for following John around, constantly and silently like some mute reflection of his mother, the same big, blinking liquid eyes and pale complexion and sandy white hair that would darken as he got older, wiser._

'_Cute kid.'_

_Wayne's undisguised taunt didn't go unnoticed but John chose to disregard it momentarily in favour of finding something, anything to restart his mood. He was fairly certain he had ecstasy in his bag and there was a small silver rectangle of white power in his back pocket, already diminished by half since his arrival at the bar earlier in the evening._

'_You are so fucked, John boy…you can't even tell up from fucking down…'_

'_What the fuck is your problem?'_

'_I said you've got a cute kid there John boy,'_

'_Why the hell you so damn interested in my kid?'_

_Wayne shrugged laconically and blew an oval of milky smoke in John's direction._

'_I like kids…kids like me…'_

_He grinned, baring his stark white teeth slightly in a manner that was both predatory and friendly at the same time as John's fist tightened around the silver package._

'_Just…shut the fuck up and smoke your damn cigarette.'_

_He fumbled the jagged edges of the tinfoil open and tipped the powdered contents onto the same shattered piece of mirror he'd used earlier that evening for the same purpose. He re-folded the foil and used it to shape the cocaine into a thin white line and pressed a finger to one nostril while lowering his face to the fractured glass. His own blood shot eye blinked back at him and he deliberately closed it to shut off the image._

'_Dad?'_

_The tiny, mouse-like voice may as well have been shouted at him through a megaphone as the shock caused him to launch upright, sending the already fragile mirror into the concrete at his feet, precious white powder coating the thighs of his jeans._

'_Jesus fucking Christ Alex!'_

_The vehemence in his words sent Alex backing into the wall behind him, blue, plastic Smurf clutched protectively at his chest, eyes down again like those fucking trainers were the most interesting things he'd ever seen._

'_Way to scare the poor kid, John boy…'_

_Wayne flicked the butt of his cigarette to the floor and slid off the amp, grinding one heel into the neon ember, extinguishing it before stepping in front of Alex and putting a long finger under his chin, pulling it upwards so Alex was looking into his face._

'_Fuckin' cute kid, those eyes…gonna be a heart breaker when he's bigger John boy, you'll have to watch out for this one…'_

_John's resolve finally snapped and he launched himself at his son, scruffing him roughly by the upper arm and jerking him away and towards the exit. John's long, fast strides were too much for Alex to keep up with and he fell repeatedly, held up only by his father's strangling grip on his arm. On some level John knew he was hurting his son but the fierce fury burning in him was making him oblivious to Alex's whimpering and the incredulous stares of the dwindling patrons._

_By the time they had reached the faded weatherboard box that housed their miserable existence Alex was shivering from cold and falling more steps than he walked. John slammed the gate with a rusty screech behind them and shoved Alex up the worn stairs, finally releasing his grip on the boys arm and cringing only slightly as his shoulder slammed into the fly screen door with a metallic clang. _

'_Get inside the damn house and stay there.'_

_Solemn brown eyes nodded unblinkingly back at him and John saw the glint of silent silver tears almost lost in the rain haze but brighter somehow. More penetrating._

_More desperate._

_The light rain had washed away any traces of the fine white powder from his jeans and John couldn't help but think it was symbolic of his life. Washed away, washed up. When had everything turned to shit? Dreams of fame and fortune traded for what? _

_The sound of footsteps behind him, further down the street, drew John's attention back to the present. A light fog had closed in reducing already drug-hampered visibility but something innate and primal burst to life in John's gut. A rage so unrestrained his knees almost gave way. He stood stock-still, from the very periphery of his gaze he could see Alex was unmoving on the steps, hunched into himself and shivering violently._

_Cold or scared? _

_Both?_

_What difference would it make?_

'_Where the fuck have you been?'_

'_Out.'_

'_Out? Is that all you have to say for yourself? Out?'_

'_Yeah, I've been out, you've been out, shit…you're __always__ out…figured why not…'_

'_Why not? 'Coz you have a kid…what's why fucking not…have you even fed him?'_

_Cherie hadn't moved from the gate and when she did finally take a step she wobbled slightly on her heels, obviously intoxicated._

'_He's your kid too, you feed him.'_

'_You stupid bitch!'_

_Up until this point John had been deliberately trying to temper his words to a ferocious whisper but her insolence was rapidly becoming more than he could handle. He took three strides in her direction and felt a flicker of victory dance through his muscles as she visibly flinched and flattened back against the low fence._

'_Alex hun, go inside yeah?'_

_Her voice only wavered slightly but her eyes had widened and her fast breaths created sharp bursts of fog that momentarily clouded her features and hazed her edges._

'_Mum?'_

_John's gaze floated between Alex's and Cherie's, if he switched direction fast enough and only looked at their eyes he couldn't be sure who was who. Mirrors of each other._

'_Get inside the damn house.'_

_There was a muffling of movement as the front door was pushed inwards, it wasn't locked, was never locked. They had nothing worth stealing._

_Not unless you knew exactly where to look._

_The front door was left open and John could see that Alex had only retreated inside half a dozen steps before crouching to the threadbare floor and staring silently back out the yawning gap, rain soaked blonde tufts plastered to his forehead and dripping down his ghostly cheeks. It was only now that John realised his coat and pathetic blue Smurf were missing, his thin fingers instead wrapping around his knees, chin tucked in behind them until he was all eyes and hair and sharp angles._

'_John baby, why don't we go inside too?' Cherie purred, suggestively, though John was practised enough to know it was all a front and Cherie was aware enough to know it was too little too late._

'_You filthy slut! Do you really think I'm that fuckin' stupid?'_

_His hand had reacted before his brain had a chance to catch up and the stinging slap across her cheek, amplified by the residual rainwater, echoed in his chest._

'_Please John, let's just go inside.'_

_She was begging now and John couldn't decide what he detested more._

_He wrapped his fingers tightly around her small wrist and dragged her up the crumbling steps as she tripped and bit back a timid cry._

_He released his hold once they were inside and shoved her into the wall. Her mascara had streaked her cheeks and her hair hung limply down her back._

'_You're a fucking disgrace, get the kid some fucking food.'_

_Alex stood slowly, John could feel his eyes watching his every move and as he turned to face him, Alex shrunk back and focused on the floor._

'_Whadda you lookin' at?'_

_His eyes raised but his head only shifted slightly meaning Alex's view of his Dad was filtered through long lashes._

'_I said, what the fuck are you lookin' at?' His hands looked unnaturally large and bear like as they flattened on Alex's chest and sent him stumbling back to the grainy carpet with a light thud and a surprised yelp._

'_Alex, go to your room hun.'_

_John spun back to face his wife, starting at the tips of her freshly painted toe nails and not stopping until he'd taken every inch of her in, the silver stilettos, the denim mini-skirt, the low cut black top and ruined make up. Suddenly, shockingly, it all became sadistically amusing. His lips creased into a feral smirk and he chuckled roughly._

'_God, look at you. You're a fuckin' joke. Pathetic, piece of shit, slut.'_

_He laughed again, louder this time. _

_Almost too loud. _

_He almost missed it._

'_No she's not.'_

_A laugh caught in his throat so tightly he almost choked._

'_What did you say?'_

'_I said she's not…those things…what you said.'_

_Alex rarely spoke so when he did the timid maturity in his voice always shocked John._

_But not enough._

_Not this time._

'_Oh she's not, huh?'_

_He advanced two steps in Alex's direction, he'd returned to standing but was pressing his body against the wall as though trying to disappear into it, palms flat on the faded surface. Lips pressed together, white._

_Bloodless._

_Unblinking._

_Those fucking eyes._

_John crouched low in front of Alex, face to face, taunting him. Alex's lower lip began to tremble, slowly at first as he fought to control it and then more rapidly until finally John could hear the dull clink of teeth on teeth._

'_Boo.'_

_All remaining colour left Alex's face and his shoulders joined his lower jaw in its uncontrolled betrayal of strength and fearlessness._

'_Ha, fuckin' pussy. You're just as God damn pathetic as she is.'_

_He laughed again and ran a hand through his hair, finally allowing himself to sink into the knowledge that if he didn't get a hit of something, __anything__, right now he was going to lose his mind._

_If he hadn't already._

'_Don't bother waiting up,' he called over his shoulder in a voice balanced with malice and daring before slamming the front door behind him with such force he heard the satisfying tinkle of fallen glass on the steps behind him._

_Alex didn't follow him around like a mute reflection of his mother any more after that. _


	13. Where I Stood

**Don't Even Want To Talk About It**

**Chapter Thirteen: Where I Stood**

Word Count: 2600

Story Summary: Another intern stumbles across something from Alex's past.

Chapter Summary: Alex is cornered. Dr. Bailey's POV.

Disclaimer: I own nothing…

XXXX

'Miranda, could we have a word please?'

There was a serious undertone to the Chief's voice that had the usually unflappable Miranda Bailey wondering if she had done something wrong. Richard Webber was quite possibly the only person at Seattle Grace with the power to make Miranda question herself.

'Yes Chief, certainly.'

She answered quickly, indicating to an empty exam cubicle and as he followed her inside the darkened room she reached over to flick the lights on before turning to face him.

'What can I help you with?'

'Alex Karev.'

'What about him, sir?'

'I had Addison Montgomery in my office this morning followed about ten minutes later by Phillip Rogers, the Psych. Attending he was scheduled to visit yesterday.'

Miranda nodded sagely, already guessing where this was going, already realising she was going to be expected to come up with a solution, already knowing she had no idea.

'Apparently he didn't bother to turn up, didn't call to cancel, nothing…Addison went to see him yesterday, apparently he…' Richard raised both hands in the air, two fingers curled around to indicate quote marks, '…_freaked out_ when she mentioned contacting his family for genetic testing.'

'Freaked out?' Miranda echoed, stalling desperately.

'_Freaked out._'

The airy quote marks returned.

'Oh.'

'I was just hoping to…'

Here it comes.

'…get your view on the matter.'

'Uh, well, to be honest sir…'

'You've seen his medical records I expect.'

'Arh, yes I think…'

'Makes for quite disturbing reading.'

'Yes, that it…'

'Has he talked to you about it?'

'No, def…'

'No, no of course not, of course he wouldn't have…'

Richard wasn't even looking at Miranda, was instead pacing aimlessly around the room picking up objects and putting them back down again at random.

'I was thinking we should call him in for a meeting…'

'Yes, good id…'

'We'll say we need to discuss organising for him to sit the interns exam…'

'Yes, we do ne…'

'I think you and I should be there and probably Phil if he's available…'

'Uh, I think…'

'I don't think we need to tell him Phil will be there…'

'Maybe…'

'Okay, good. You'll organise it then? Tomorrow morning, say 9am?'

'Ar…certainly, I'll organise it.'

'Excellent, I'm glad you think this is the right way to go. I knew you'd know how to proceed. Well, see you tomorrow then.'

Richard turned then and headed back towards the doorway.

'Tell Phil to come at ten past, we don't want him getting here before Alex and scaring him off.'

'Yes Chief, I will do.'

And then he was gone with a flurry of pristine white lab coat and a swish of the exam room door, leaving Miranda stunned and somewhat shell-shocked, feeling as though she had been slightly steam-rolled into this deception. Not only that, it was going to look like it had all been her idea when it wasn't, not at all. In fact the whole scenario felt wrong to her and she couldn't help but think Alex Karev was not the sort of person who would react well to being tricked into such an…_intervention_.

She leaned her weight against the exam room bed and exhaled deeply, blowing her fringe up off her forehead in the process. She had a sinking feeling this plan was going to backfire spectacularly and truth be told she wanted nothing to do with it. Alex was already jumpy and suspicious, not to mention had recently been upset enough to attempt to take his own life. Whether alcohol induced or not, this wasn't something Miranda felt comfortable meddling with, she was a surgeon, she cut and repaired and sewed, she did not _talk_.

Unfortunately it wasn't up to her. Besides the Chief was right in one respect, they did need to talk to Alex about the intern exam, the window was fast closing and they needed to organise for him to sit the test sooner rather than later, whether Miranda thought he was ready for it or not. She just had to hope and pray Dr. Rogers wouldn't be available, or even better, would also think it was a bad idea.

XXXX

He wasn't unavailable and he didn't think it was a bad idea. In fact Phillip Rogers seemed to share the Chief's enthusiasm for the plan and assured Miranda he would be at Richard's office at _zero nine ten and not a moment before_.

Consequently Miranda now found herself with an incredibly difficult phone call to make. She had contemplated asking Addison's opinion on the matter but had since decided that the less people who knew about this plan the better.

The sound of the unanswered telephone continued to reverberate in her right eardrum and she had almost convinced herself he wasn't going to answer when the sound cut off and was replaced with a tired sounding _hello?_

Miranda raised her brown eyes to the ceiling and issued Alex a silent apology for what she was about to do.

_I'm so sorry, Alex. This is not what I wanted._

XXXX

At 8.45 the next morning Miranda saw Alex arrive and despite telling herself not to be so utterly ridiculous she found herself ducking surreptitiously into the ladies room to her left as he rounded the corner towards her. She pulled the door of the last cubicle shut behind her and sat down on the closed lid of toilet. Head lowered to her hands she took several deep breaths and tried to push past the uncomfortable feeling of dread that was beginning to build in her gut.

The Chief was right. She had read his medical records and even though she had told herself not to at the end of each page, told herself that the information concealed in its depths was not relevant to his current treatment, that it was revealing and deeply personal and not really any of her business, she found that she was powerless to stop. The detail overwhelmed her and while there was plenty missed out, scrawled words recommending the reader see the relevant social services documentation, there was still more than enough for her to get the bigger picture.

She pushed herself to her feet, weary already though her day was really only just beginning. The distance to the Chief's office would take her five minutes to cover and she wondered desperately if that would be enough time to conjure a disaster of some sort that would require her immediate and all encompassing attention. It wasn't apparently and all too soon she found herself at her destination. The door was closed and she tapped lightly and waited to be called in, when she entered she discovered only the Chief inside and immediately thought she may still be able to talk him out of it.

'Sir, do you…'

_Tap, tap, tap._

The sound interrupted her and the Chief turned his attention to the open doorway, Miranda dared not look.

'Dr. Karev, come in and have a seat.'

There was movement behind her and as Alex's figure appeared in her peripheral vision Miranda turned her head slightly towards him.

'Karev…'

_How are you?_

_What have you been up to?_

Hope all is going well following your attempted suicide and the revelation that you have a serious heart condition, possibly passed to you from your abusive father's questionable genetics.

Excuse us while we trick you into a session with a psychiatrist that you know nothing about.

What could she possibly say?

'Dr. Bailey…'

Alex's reply was equally stilted and had Miranda wondering if he had already twigged to their plan. He disregarded the chair the Chief indicated to in favour of one closer to and facing the exit and perched himself on the very edge of the seat, as though already preparing to run.

'So…' he breathed and raised his head in the vague direction of the Chief, almost looking at him but not quite.

'Dr. Karev…Alex…we just wanted to catch up with you. See how things were going.'

'It's all going good. Great, no worries at all…'

He shifted nervously in his seat and Miranda could see his eyes were all over the place.

'…Sir,' he added hastily confirming Miranda's suspicion that he was not at all comfortable.

'And how is the study going? We really need to look at organising a time for you to sit the intern exam, if you think you are ready of course.'

'Uh, yeah…sure. Whenever's fine really. Uh…so…I can come back to work then? Tomorrow maybe?'

Miranda's gaze darted from Alex to Richard already knowing full well that he had no intention of allowing Alex to return yet.

'Well, I don't think you need to rush things Alex, you've only been home a few days and what you went through takes more than a few days to recover from.'

'Well I'm fine but…okay, so…once I've done the exam then? I can come back after that?'

There was an unfamiliar edge to Alex's voice that Miranda had not heard before. A hint of desperation and complete insecurity that ran through her veins like ice water and she had to deliberately stop herself from lurching to her feet and beating a hasty retreat.

'Well, we can discuss that once we have your results but first there are a few other things we need to talk about.'

Miranda's eyes slid sideways to gauge Alex's reaction and found he was as white as the lab coat hanging on the door behind his silhouette and as she turned her own head fully to catch his profile she noticed it was difficult to determine where skin ended and fabric began. She wondered when that had happened. His left hand was clamped around the arm of the chair he was sitting on, his knuckles mirroring the white of his cheeks and lips.

'Alex, have you given any thought to contacting your family, perhaps we can help facil…'

'No.'

'Alex?'

'No, I'm not…shit…' he inhaled a shuddering breath and pinched his eyes tightly closed for a split second.

'Alex? It's…'

'No.'

His turned violently in his seat suddenly, the denim of his jeans grating on the worn leather of the chair as his eyes pierced Miranda's, fiercely pleading with her despite the fact that it was the Chief who was speaking to him, Miranda had yet to say a word.

He swallowed visibly leaving Miranda mesmerised by the up and down motion of his adams apple though she knew instinctively that she was merely using it as a diversion from his eyes, his voice, this whole God awful situation.

A tap on the closed door behind them only served to intensify her agitation. She couldn't help but notice the way Alex's gaze immediately lowered to his hands, sitting clasped together in his lap, before shooting back up again, eyes wide with unbridled panic as the Chief welcomed the psychiatrist into the room and invited him to take a seat.

Alex gathered himself to stand, Miranda was so attuned to his movements she could sense the tensing of his muscles before his weight had actually shifted.

'Alex.'

Her first word and it seemed to catch in her throat, as though her airway was not wide enough for the vowels and consonants to travel together and remain in order, side by side, one after the other. The effect was the word escaped as a bark, infinitely harsher than she intended and as he froze mid rise to stare at her she flinched involuntarily.

'Alex…' she tried again, softer this time and watched in hypnotised fascination as his expression morphed from startled shock to unbridled terror.

His lips parted and moved in slow motion _please_ but whether it was a silent plea or she simply couldn't hear over the rushing of her own blood in her ears there was no sound. She found that all the more desperate, as though it was meant just for her, as if he expected her to get him out of this, to save him. But she couldn't even save herself from this one.

'Alex, just…sit for a minute okay?'

His eyes had taken on a wild, animalistic quality and Miranda decided in that instant that Richard Webber was not the only person at Seattle Grace capable of causing her to question herself. For that one moment in time he was no longer Alex Karev, surgical intern, but a terrified child being forced to reconnect with his tormentor. She could almost see the point where he lost all semblance of control, it was quiet and had she not been looking she's sure she would have missed it but there was a release, a snapping, a realisation, a memory. He was no longer influencing this situation, the direction his life was taking, the decisions that needed to be made and Miranda found herself wondering if perhaps that terrified him more than everything else put together.

He ignored her and continued to his feet, staggering slightly as his coat pocket hooked on the arm of the chair, flailing momentarily as he struggled to release it. Despite the fact that he'd risen to standing he appeared smaller to Miranda, as though he had melted into himself and was slowly disintegrating. She was afraid to look away in case, when she's gathered the strength to turn back, he was gone completely.

'Alex…'

The psychiatrist spoke this time, for the first time.

'Dr. Bailey? What…_please_?'

And there it was, her un-doing, her end. She turned to the Chief.

'Sir, perhaps we could re-schedule this? I don't…'

He cut her off and moved to step around his desk, Miranda hadn't even noticed him stand.

'Alex, I really think you need…'

He wasn't white any more, his skin had taken on a grey translucent edge and as he raised his hands to run them through his cropped hair Miranda could see they were trembling violently.

'I don't have anything to say.'

The words were released in a jumbled rush of determination, disbelief and fear. Of what Miranda couldn't begin to know.

'Alex…'

The psychiatrist tried again, closed the distance between himself and Alex who had moved to the wall, was shouldering it as though he needed to hold it up and not the other way round.

'I just wanted to have a quick word, we can go to my office if you'd be more comfortable there.'

'I don't have anything to say.'

It was fiercer this time, steadfast.

There was a knock at the door, soft and, Miranda knew instinctively, female. She released a breath at this unexpected diversion and sank back slightly in her chair, welcoming the reprieve as the Chief called for whoever it was to enter. Alex was still pressed up against the wall, Phillip Rogers had taken a couple of steps back, increasing once again the distance his earlier steps had closed.

'Chief, I…'

The door had been slowly swinging inwards, revealing the room and its occupants to the intruder. It stopped suddenly halfway through its arc as the figure froze in the doorway.

'Alex?'

Meredith.

Miranda could see the relief pool in Alex's complexion. From her position she had a clear view of his face but could not see Meredith still paused in the entrance however she could picture the confusion in her expression, could hear it in the way she said his name, using it as a question.

_What's going on?_

_Are you okay?_

_Want me to help?_

Everything he wanted in one word. Everything she had been unable to offer him herself.


	14. Stand on the Outside

Don't Even Want To Talk About It

**Chapter 14: Stand on the Outside**

Word Count: 2200

Story Summary: Another intern stumbles across something from Alex's past.

Chapter Summary: Meredith and Alex…alone…in the dark...

Disclaimer: I own nothing…

XXXX

Meredith wasn't sure what she had been expecting but this stunned tableau of bodies in front her definitely wasn't it. The half-uttered sentence caught fiercely in her throat and she found she couldn't complete it for a number of reason, not the least of which was the fact that she no longer had any idea what she had been about to say.

'Alex?'

That was automatic, required no conscious effort and was out before she'd had time to ask herself why and what and _what the hell?_

There was a shift then, in the air, tangible. The change was mirrored in the dull grey of a pair of stunned eyes that pleaded with her for something she couldn't even begin to fathom though the relief in the very next breath he expelled was so palpable that she began to think maybe she'd already offered it.

Subliminally perhaps.

Still no one besides her had spoken a word.

He stepped towards her then, gathering momentum, gaining speed. A runaway freight train. She stepped back for fear of being flattened and he brushed by so close he knocked her handbag from her shoulder and left a wake of lingering scent, deodorant and coffee and _fear._

She spun with him, twisting back out into the hallway and let her gaze follow him down the wide corridor as he broke into a slow jog that became a flat out sprint before he reached the corner and disappeared from view. His departure from her vision and the sense of surrealism leaving her questioning whether he had been there at all.

The door was pulled open all the way suddenly and she was shocked to discover she was still gripping the elongated handle with white knuckles and a sweaty palm. She let go with haste to stop from being dragged back into the room, desperate to avoid something she couldn't quite name.

'Meredith?'

She creased her forehead into a frown and felt air escape between dry lips.

'Huh…'

'Meredith?'

Dr. Bailey this time and Meredith managed to find her voice.

'What the hell was that?'

'We were ah…having a meeting but…I should go after him…'

Dr. Bailey moved to step around her but Meredith placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her progress.

'Ummm…' her ability for articulate speech seemed to have deserted her.

'No, it's okay. I'll go…'

And without waiting for a reply she took off in the same direction and slewed in an arc around the same corner, still unfathomably confused and, ultimately, directionless. She had no idea where he had gone.

Or where he was going.

Home maybe but she sincerely hoped not because the speed at which he'd been travelling when she last lost sight of him meant she would never catch up with him.

Not unless he passed out en route which, actually, was quite likely.

_Shit._

She mentally ticked off other destinations in her head, in fact was still searching for possible likelihoods when the silver handle of the supply closet to her left seemed to draw her attention like a beacon. There were voices behind her, deep and muffled and urgent, almost arguing. She wrenched on the handle with more force than was strictly necessary and, as the door moved freely on its well-oiled hinges, almost fell into the room.

The light from the hallway lit up the dim interior instantly but the voices were getting louder so she moved to pull it closed again, quietly so as not to arouse suspicion. With the door shut the room, larger than most of the other supply closets, with rows of shelves and lines of cupboards, was thrust into pitch-blackness. She experimented and waved a hand in front of her face, grinning slightly when she could literally see nothing and hoped for a moment that acclimatisation wouldn't come because this, this total _nothingness_, was kinda cool.

She turned slightly and her right shoulder met with the cool metallic edge of an open shelf that shuddered noisily and threatened to spill some of its contents.

'Shit.'

Out loud this time.

'Meredith?'

So she'd been right.

'Yeah…where the hell are you?'

'I have no freakin' clue, there's probably a light switch by the door…'

She briefly considered running a hand over the wall in search of the elusive switch but decided against it, despite the slight humming in her shoulder from its recent encounter she was still enjoying the dark.

'Keep talking, I'll find you…'

She took a tentative step forward, both hands stretched out in front of her face, hoping to prevent a broken nose or bruised shins.

'Ahh, you might want to be careful…I can't guarantee I didn't knock anything over, in fact my right knee is kinda screaming at me that I did…'

_Oh…too late._

'…I was…ah…kinda going a bit quicker than you are.'

_I'd noticed_.

She decided to compromise and, feeling only slightly silly, dropped to her hands and knees to continue her trek.

'So…' she was unsure how to begin but thought the beginning was probably the best bet, '…what was that all about?'

Despite the dark and despite the fact she still had no idea where Alex was in this maze of metal and wood and night she thought she could feel his eyes clench shut. She could definitely hear his exhausted sigh and the quiet thump of what sounded like the back of his head against the wall.

'Alex?'

Another sigh.

'I don't really know…not what it was supposed to be, that's for sure.'

The dull thumping continued and Meredith used it to inch closer to him, sure now that she was at least headed in the right direction.

'What was it supposed to be?'

'A meeting…I think…'

'You think?'

'Yeah…I think…'

'Do you know what about?'

Her question was met with stony silence and the thumping had ceased, if the light was switched on now he might not even be there.

She continued her crawl, pausing her tumultuous thoughts to consider for a moment what her traverse was doing to the knees of her pants. She was assaulted suddenly by an image of herself, of what she would look like right at this moment to an uninformed observer. She clamped her teeth shut but was unable to stop the burst of one hysterical giggle that escaped before she managed to reign herself back in.

'What's so funny?'

She'd picked up her pace slightly during the silence and the proximity of Alex's words was somewhere close to her left ear and so _loud_ it seemed to originate from inside her.

Her stomach lurched to her throat and she clamped a fist in her mouth to stop from screaming.

'Jesus, Alex!'

She was so close now she could hear his breath, hell, if she concentrated enough she could probably _feel_ it.

She stuck her hand out and it met with soft material and cool skin before strong fingers closed around her own and pulled her forward. She got the giggles again at the absurdity of what they were doing and was pleased to hear Alex chuckle along with her.

'God we must look like idiots,' she huffed, settling in against the wall to sit beside him, drawing her knees up and wrapping her arms tightly around them.

'I told you to turn on the light…'

'Yeah, but think how much fun this has been…'

'Tell that to my knee…'

'Hey, you did that before I got here…you could have turned the light on…'

'Yeah, well…I wasn't really thinking about light at the time…'

They both paused, the silence loaded with unasked questions and unspeakable answers.

Meredith un-wrapped one arm from around her knees and used it to search for Alex's hand, starting at his shoulder and following the long muscles and goose bumped skin in the direction of his wrist. She felt him tense beneath her finger tips and the exasperated sigh he emitted told her he had figured her out. She felt fingers close around her own again, harsher this time, less welcoming.

'Here…'

He forcefully clamped two of her fingers across his wrist, reading her mind. She chose to play dumb.

'What?'

He sighed again.

'I'm not stupid, Grey.'

Her turn to sigh.

'Okay, I'm sorry…'

But she wasn't, not really.

She re-positioned her two fingers slightly, not needing to move them far to find the rhythmic rushing of blood through his veins.

'You could have just asked…instead of molesting me in the dark…'

There was jest in the words but not in the way they were delivered.

His pulse was hammering under her finger tips, too fast and too all over the place.

'You would have lied.'

'Probably…'

'Definitely…'

'It's only that quick 'coz you're making me horny…'

Again, no humour in the delivery.

'Alex…'

A beat.

'Meredith…'

'What's going on?'

'I can feel it…'

'Feel what?'

'My heart, beating…it's different, all wrong somehow…'

She shifted her fingers from his wrist and intertwined them with his, rested them both on his thigh.

'…I mean, I know it's been…well, probably been…like that for a while but…I'd never realised.'

Meredith began to shift, her tail-bone screaming at her to get off it, but she froze as he paused, not wanting him to stop, too scared to speak herself for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Or even the right thing.

'It always used to hurt…like…constantly, all day every day since…'

_Kelly died_.

He didn't say it, he didn't need to.

'Sometimes it just hurt more than others. I used to like that she could still make me feel like that, make me _hurt_ like that but now…it all seems kinda fake, I mean…take a pill, make it all go away…'

He chucked bitterly and Meredith felt it slice the air around them.

'Literally almost…'

Whispered, a memory or a warning Meredith wasn't entirely sure.

'It makes me feel sick…'

'The pills make you sick?'

'No, my heart does…my own fucking heart. Just thinking about it being inside me makes me want to chuck my guts up…or rip the damn thing right out with my hands…'

What could she possibly say to that?

'…its like its torturing me, 'coz it's killing me…I know that, I'm okay with that, Jesus…I _want_ that…'

Meredith stiffened.

'…and its like it knows that so it's deliberately hurting and…stopping randomly…and going so fast I can't even open my eyes but it's still…_going_…'

A thousand questions filled Meredith's head until she couldn't distinguish one from another.

'You know they tricked me?'

She had to swallow thickly before she could contemplate speaking.

'Who did?'

'Dr. Bailey…the Chief…all of them…'

'What did they do?'

'They said we needed to talk about me sitting the interns exam soon so I came in like they asked…didn't even give it a thought…when I got here though I just had this feeling something was up, Dr. Bailey was being strange…'

'Strange?'

'Yeah, like she was scared of me or something and we all know that woman is scared of no one…she wouldn't look at me, or speak to me really…then the Chief starting asking questions about…well…other stuff…then that fuckwit Rogers turned up like it was all some big orchestrated plan, wanting to _talk_…'

'Talk about what?'

The shoulder that was pressed up against hers shifted suddenly as Alex shrugged beside her.

'God knows…probably why I didn't turn up for my appointment with him the other day…'

'Why didn't you?'

'Coz I already told him when he came to see me while I was in ICU that I had nothing to say to him…'

'I think you've got plenty to say…'

'Yeah, well, not about what they wanna hear about…'

'And what's that?'

'Kel probably, my fucked up mother, my even more fucked up father, why I tried to off myself…those things I guess.'

Quoted like shopping items. A list of tragedies. A childhood. A life.

'Do you still talk to your parents?'

An indignant huff.

'Mum sometimes, don't even know where my father is…could be Colombia or Indonesia or Costa Rica for all I know, somewhere that the drugs come cheap though, you can count on that…'

A silence fell between them, comfortable and full.

Almost relaxing.

Alex had tilted his head to the side so that he was resting on the top of hers and as his breathing evened out she wondered if he had fallen asleep.

'Alex?' she whispered in case he had but fervently hoping that he hadn't.

'Mmmm?'

Good, awake.

'Do you still carry them around? The ones that you have left?'

She wondered if he would know what she was talking about but instinctively knew that he probably would. He shifted his weight, lifted his head again and pulled away so it was only their fingers still touching.

'Yeah…'

'Why?'

'Don't really know. Habit maybe.'

'Do you have many left?'

A pause.

'Enough…'

_For what?_

'Are you gonna try again?'

'No.'

_Liar._

TBC


	15. Beating Like A Drum

**Beating Like A Drum**

Word Count: 3100

Rating: Some naughty words but nothing too bad...

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything and I still don't make anything out of this...

Summary: James makes a reappearance of sorts but mostly Izzie just runs around in a flap!

------------

"_Izzie? Hi...it's James. Ahh...Alex's friend James. Could you please give me a call when you get this message? It's...ahhh...kinda important."_

Izzie's brow creased into a frown as the message ended and the nail on her left pinky worked its way between her teeth to be crunched as she contemplated hitting delete before instead opting to listen to the message again.

"_Izzie? Hi...it's James."_

A second listen though left her feeling just as confused and more than a little apprehensive. She'd not heard from James since he'd left though she had sent him a couple of text messaged updates on Alex's recovery that he'd not even replied to save for a brief _thanks_.

She took a deep breath and pushed her abandoned lunch tray to the other side of the small table she was seated at. She couldn't quite explain why she suddenly felt ill but even the smell of the salad dressing on the sad looking lettuce leaves was making her stomach churn. She slowly scrolled through her cell phone index for James' number and hit the call button, mind crazily flitting from scenario to scenario, each new one more outrageous than its predecessor.

She was still lost in scattered thought when the call connected and it took several tentative _hellos_ for her mind to clear and she stammered to reply before he hung up.

"James? Yes, sorry it's Izzie Stevens...I was just...ah...anyway, you rang?"

"Yeah, I did..."

The slight hesitation in his voice did little to settle Izzie and she had to fight the urge to hang up. Whatever this was going to be about, she instinctively knew it wasn't good.

"Shit, Izzie...I think I've done the worst thing I could possibly have done..."

Izzie released a tight breath, moist heat brushing her lips and condensing in the hand she had pressed lightly along her jaw.

"I kinda had a feeling you were going to say something like that..." she replied, closing her eyes and bracing herself for what was to come, "...okay...let me have it..."

"Well, I'm not in...umm, I'm back in Iowa...back home...for the weekend...you know, visiting the olds and checking in on friends and..."

"James..." Izzie cut in, not wanting to prolong the agony any further, sensing his reluctance and worrying that he would fail to get the story out at all, "...I somehow doubt the world is going to end because you've popped back to visit dear old mom, I also doubt that's why you've called, just...spit it out okay so we can fix whatever it is you've done that's apparently so terrible."

James chuckled lightly down the line and the sound tingled at Izzie's raw nerve endings.

"Well...see, I ran into Alex's mother..."

Izzie's blood ran cold in her veins and she felt her heart lurch into the back of her throat and start pulsing a beat that reverberated to her toes.

"Ohhhh...and?"

Even though she already knew

"Well...you've gotta understand that I didn't know he hadn't told her and it was automatic really...from a doctor's point of view, I just asked if she'd been tested for HCM yet and if Alex was doing any better and..."

Izzie didn't say anything, she didn't have to. Her swallow was audible enough and spoke volumes.

"Izzie, shit, I've got no idea how to handle this, his mom...she's...well, I need to tell him but I can't tell him over the phone and I was kinda hoping that..."

"I'd tell him for you? Alex is going to...Jesus James, what the hell were you thinking?"

"I know, I know...and I'm so sorry for putting you in this position, if I thought I could get there before her then..."

"Wait...what? _Before_ her? You mean she's _coming_ here? She's on her way?"

Raised eyebrows from hospital staff at surrounding tables made Izzie lower her chin and pull her hair over her cheeks to muffle the sound as she deliberately dropped her voice to a harsh whisper.

"What the, James? Alex is going to _freak_ out."

"Yeah well, his mother kinda already did. I don't know if she's on her way but that'd be my guess 'coz there's no one home at her house. She might try to call first, she was...ahh...anyway, we should probably tell him sooner rather than..."

"Enough with the _we_, James...there is no _we_ in this, it's me. _Me_. Shit, I don't even really know you and I'm cleaning up your mess..."

"I know and like I said, I'm so sorry, Izzie...so..."

"Yeah, well apologizing to me isn't really going to cover this one I don't think."

Izzie forced herself to calm down a notch or ten and breathed out deeply, blowing her blonde fringe up from her forehead. James had remained silent and Izzie knew she was only adding to his already considerable but definitely deserved levels of guilt. She briefly considered her own crucial role in this whole messy saga but was saved from her thoughts as James cut in.

"So...does he talk about his mom much?"

Izzie's jaw quirked into a sarcastic smirk that was purely for her own benefit.

"He didn't tell us about his recently deceased wife and his own suicidal tendencies so he's hardly going to tell us about his alcoholic, abused and probably abusive mother is he?"

"Well...no...but if he didn't...well you know...then how do you..."

James trailed off and Izzie could hear the sad confusion in his voice.

"He may not talk about it but that doesn't mean he isn't as easy to read as a Dr. Seuss book...well except for the dead wife and the suicide thing of course."

"Oh...right."

"Yeah...right...so, what do you suggest for a plan of attack on this one?"

"Well, I'm thinking the truth is a good place to start. Can't really hide it I guess..."

"No...I guess not. So how much did you actually tell her?"

"Nothing! I didn't actually _tell_ her anything but she figured most of it out. Not about the overdose though, she doesn't know anything about that. Just about the HCM 'coz I asked if she'd had the tests done. She also knows about the heart attack but not about what led to it..."

"Okay...well I guess that's one positive."

"Yeah...one positive..."

"Well, I'm at the hospital now and he had to come here this morning for a meeting about the intern's exam so I guess there's no point delaying the inevitable..."

By the time Izzie hung up the phone a few short minutes later her head was spinning from thoughts of how this whole sad situation had unfolded and blown up in their faces. She couldn't help but wonder how Alex was going to react and, more importantly, how he was going to cope long term with this latest development.

Alex never mentioned his father and had only briefly spoken of his mother and even that was usually only after a few beers had loosened his speech and weakened the walls he had steadily constructed around his past. The parts Izzie didn't know for sure she was certain she could imagine to a certain degree of accuracy and none of it was making her feel any more confident about what she was going to have to do.

She slid her phone back into her pocket and took one long deep breath, steeling herself for her next move before launching to her feet before she could change her mind or talk herself out of it. The Chief's office was a couple of floors above her current location and she chose to take the stairs to give herself a few extra moments to prepare.

Standing in front of the Chief's office she whispered a mumbled prayer and knocked with as much falsified confidence as she could muster however she need not have worried for her knock was met with ominous silence and she stepped away and prepared to retrace her path back downstairs to the emergency department to find someone who may know where Alex was.

After a few moments of searching and a few more moments of escalating panic Izzie finally located a harried looking Dr. Bailey who hastily told her that the meeting was over and that Alex had disappeared but that Meredith had taken off after him to make sure everything was okay. She couldn't help but feel there was more to the story that what Dr. Bailey was revealing, after all what reason could Alex have to take off...unless they had told him he couldn't sit the test...or that he no longer had a job...or maybe he was sick again or...

"Oh Meredith? Thank God...have you seen Alex?" Izzie started and then continued before Meredith could even contemplate a reply, "Dr. Bailey said something happened during their meeting this morning and that he took off but his cell is switched off and I can't find him anywhere..."

"Yes I've seen him, why?"

"Oh, great...where is he?" Izzie continued, not slowing her procession past Meredith, keen to keep searching.

"Izzie, woah, slow down. What's going on?"

"James...you remember him? Alex's friend from Iowa?" Izzie was almost frantic now, her voice taking on a piercing quality that was painful to even her own ears. She took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down.

Meredith nodded and Izzie took the opportunity to continue.

"He's made the biggest mistake..."

'What, you mean even bigger than yours?"

Izzie stalled suddenly, tripping on her next sentence. Undissolved guilt making her heart lurch somewhere into the back of her throat as a headache began to develop between her eyes. She raised a hand to rub absently at her temples and forced herself to slow down.

"No not bigger than mine, well maybe...hell. I don't know okay? All I know is I need to find him and you standing here making me feel guilty instead of telling me where the hell he is isn't going to change what's about to happen..."

She looked up sharply and caught Meredith's vision, locked onto it.

"...what may have already happened."

"Okay, okay. I get the picture. You need to find him. Did Bailey tell you what happened this morning?"

There was an air of uncertainty to Meredith's speech that made Izzie feel nauseous.

"No, just that he walked out when it didn't go quite as planned, actually she seemed kinda weird, almost guilty or something but to be honest I didn't really take much notice, as soon as she said you had taken off after him I left to come and find you. Why? What the hell went on?"

"I'm not really sure either, whatever it was had happened just before I got there. I definitely interrupted something and Alex looked ready to flee, I guess me opening the door just gave him an opening to escape. I followed him into a supply closet..."

Izzie choked out a sudden cough.

"Not like _that_! God, supply closets are used for more than just impromptu booty calls...geez...anyway, we just sat in there in the dark..."

This time Meredith laughed and carefully added _not like that_ again.

'Anyway, he was upset that much was obvious and he said they were trying to set him up and...oh yeah, I completely forgot. That Psych guy who came to see him when he was in the ICU was there, Alex didn't mention him when he said he had a meeting..."

Izzie began to see how Alex could have believed he was being set up. If they'd sprung that on him without warning then he definitely would have reacted badly. She eased out a slow breath.

"God...if they didn't warn him about that then...he would have had a melt down..."

"Yeah, that's how I'm thinking it happened. Anyway, so he was upset 'coz he thought they'd set him up, which now, yeah, they probably did...so we talked a bit..."

"So is he still there?"

"Still where?"

"In the supply closet? Did you leave him there?"

"Oh...yeah...c'mon, this way..."

Meredith indicated in the direction of the stairs to their left and they both moved off in that direction as Meredith continued...

"So, what's James done that's so bad?"

Izzie swallowed before answering.

"He told Alex's mother about what happened."

Meredith stopped in her tracks, reacting as Izzie had expected her to. Raised eyebrows over concerned eyes met Izzie's and she nodded quickly to confirm what she had just said before looking back down at the steps they were currently climbing.

"I know...my thoughts exactly. Apparently she freaked out which is exactly what Alex is going to do when I tell him."

"Hey, nice of James to get you to do his dirty work! He's kinda cute you know...you should definitely ask for payment..."

"Mer, honestly...we have more important things to think about at the moment, don't you think? Jesus...James said his mother was on her way here..._here! _Alex is going to absolutely lose it."

Izzie's voice had worked itself to fever-pitch again and her heart was hammering in her chest.

"This can only end badly, really...everything that's happened til now? Absolute piece of cake compared to what is going to happen next, I can feel it...James said she was trying to call him, thank God his phone is off..."

She ran her hands over her face as they exited the stairwell and began along the corridor. They had only taken a few steps when Meredith suddenly swore softly and took off at a fully fledged sprint. Shocked, it took Izzie a few moments to react and she struggled to catch up.

"Meredith? What the hell?" Izzie panted to no reply.

"Meredith? What..."

"Just hurry," Meredith cut in sharply and Izzie decided not to argue any further as they pelted around a tight corner and almost collided with a slow moving patient wheeling an IV pole.

Izzie muttered an insincere apology as she struggled to keep up with Meredith's faster pace. Scenarios were playing out in her mind like bad B-grade movies and her panic was threatening to prevent her from breathing let alone running at break neck speed along slippery corridors. She was just beginning to fear projectile vomiting all over Meredith's back when Meredith pulled up suddenly and Izzie had to place two hands on the back of her shoulders to prevent from bowling Meredith over completely.

"Geez...a little warning..." she mumbled pissily but was stopped from any further rebuke as Meredith slammed an innocuous white door open with much more force than Izzie deemed entirely necessary.

"Alex?"

Izzie followed Meredith into the darkened room and echoed Meredith's call with one of her own as Meredith fumbled to find a light switch on the wall beside them. Once the room was bathed in a sterile white glow Meredith took off again, leaping a small carton that had been tipped over in the walkway before halting a few metres away, both hands braced shoulder height on two metal cages that stood either side of the narrow opening.

"Oh Alex," Meredith whispered softly as Izzie's blood officially turned to ice in her veins. She couldn't think, she couldn't feel, she couldn't _breathe_ and as she moved up to Meredith's shoulder in an attempt to see past her she almost couldn't stand.

Whatever Izzie had been imaging as she followed a frantic Meredith along the worn corridors of Seattle Grace Hospital this certainly wasn't it."

Alex was sitting with his back against the far wall, his knees were drawn up to his chin and his arms were wrapped so tightly around them that his knuckles were almost purple. He was looking blankly up at them, eyes empty and face as white as Izzie had ever seen it. If his eyes had been closed she'd have sworn he was dead and the fact that he had yet to blink or speak or move at all since their arrival had her half convinced that he was anyway.

She took a step forward, pushing past Meredith's frozen form with another whispered _Alex _that was meant to implore him to react, to speak, to do _something _and after a pause that was almost painful he slowly lowered his gaze to the floor at his feet.

Stepping towards him again and now completely in front of Meredith it was only now that Izzie could see what Meredith had seen, what Alex was now seeing.

His cell phone had been roughly dismantled. The plastic components crushed completely to small jagged shards at his feet, the battery had also been removed and the screen was shattered into a spider web and was sitting oddly aligned, as though deliberately placed, beside the discarded battery. Behind these and closer to Alex's toes was a long, thin line of small pale discs that Izzie quickly identified as medication of some kind. The pills had been strategically positioned about an inch apart and stretched from one side of Alex's body to the other as though encircling him against the wall.

As Izzie stopped, fingers over her dry lips and breath stuck deep in her throat, Alex slowly unwrapped his knees and lowered his left hand to run a finger almost reverently over one of the pills. It wobbled slightly at his touch and he pulled his hand away again fast as though burned or shocked and raised it to cover his eyes.

"Alex?" Izzie whispered again, voice barely audible in the cavernous room and over the pounding of her own blood in her ears.

He leaned back and lightly tapped the rear of his head against the wall behind him again and again. Izzie winced at the sound and remembered the recent head trauma that had led to the raw scar above his temple as she knelt down in front of him and slid a hand in between his head and the wall.

"I wanted to do it so bad...God...this is so fucked up...I just..."

"Shhhhh..." Izzie whispered, attempting to cut him off.

"Izzie?"

Alex removed his hand from his forehead and locked his eyes on hers as she nodded slowly, unsure what he wanted her to do.

"I wanted to do it so fucking badly..."

Bereft of anything else to say Izzie lowered her forehead to rest on Alex's and wrapped her arms tightly, possessively, around his back.

TBC


	16. Nobody Sees

**Nobody Sees**

Word Count: 3900

Rating: Some naughty words but nothing much else.

Disclaimer: Mrs. Karev (aka Cherie) is mine but alas...nothing else is and I make nothing out of it.

Chapter Summary: Izzie is the good friend we all know she can be and Mrs. Karev comes to visit.

---

Alex couldn't remember ever feeling so bone numbingly tired before. His forehead was pressed heavily against Izzie's and he could feel the vertebrae down his spine pressing sharply into the wall behind him. His hands were folded loosely, listlessly in his lap and he seriously doubted he had the energy to twitch his fingers let alone stand or walk and no matter how fiercely his current fight or flight response was urging him to get up and get the hell _out _he just really couldn't be bothered.

"Let's go home, hey?" he heard whispered, the sound muffled through tresses of blonde hair that was tickling his cheeks and invading his senses with a smell that was so her but wasn't _her_, was Izzie, was close, was _oh so close_, but wasn't _her_.

He nodded anyway, his forehead sliding up and down against her (not _her_) smooth skin in a way that grated at his raw nerve endings and made his heart lurch into the back of his throat and start thumping a deep percussion that made his bones shake. He nodded but didn't move. Didn't want to move. Didn't even flinch save for the arrhythmic jarring being orchestrated by physiological responses out of his control. Fought the urge to thread his fingers into the tangle of blonde and _hold on_, for now, forever, never again because it was her but it wasn't _her_, would never be _her_ again and the reality of that hit him so suddenly and so completely that he felt like he'd just found her again, blood drenched and blue and red and white and a grotesque grey that made him want to stick his fingers violently down the back of his own throat.

She moved to slide away, to stand up and Alex drew in a sharp breath and held it, terrified suddenly that when she let go he'd let go and he'd never find his grip again.

"Alex?"

There was a worried inflection in the way she said his name and he hated that he was scaring her, scaring both of them.

"Yeah?" he managed, his voice rough and hoarse as though he hadn't used it for months and hey, maybe he hadn't.

"You okay?"

She said the words as though she already knew the answer but he lied and said _yeah_ anyway.

A small pale hand snaked between Izzie's foot and his own, devouring his circle of protection one by one. The sight of the pills disappearing, being removed, being _taken away_ from him had Alex shoving Izzie aside roughly and grabbing at the offending appendage.

"Let go..."

"Alex, it's okay...c'mon..."

"Don't touch them, give them to me, put them down, _please_ _don't touch them_..."

He felt sick and there were dark blue lines hazing his vision and thin arms grabbing at his own bulkier ones, pulling them back and away, paradoxically forceful and gentle all at once.

"Alex, stop...it's okay, she's just cleaning up..."

"I can do it, leave them, put them back Mer...please just put them back..."

He was begging and he hated himself for it, the words rang in his head like a pathetic reminder of times long since past...

"_No Alex baby, don't...please don't, Alex please..."_

Meredith had stopped but wasn't releasing the pills she had already collected. Alex could barely bring himself to look at her, the feelings of desperation and fear so foreign to him that it took him a moment to process the absurd role reversal he had somehow managed to complete.

The short trip home was uncomfortably silent. Izzie drove and Alex managed nothing more than to slump in the passenger seat beside her, head listing to the right and leaning heavily on the side window. He didn't speak and neither did she but the thrumming of her fingertips on the wheel and the way she kept sneaking him sidelong glances every time they hit a bump in the road and his head bounced roughly against the smudged glass striped his nerves to the core.

He exited the vehicle as wordlessly as he had entered it, Izzie's watchful stare burning great holes into his outer layers before he managed to slip up the stairs in front of her and disappear into his room, closing the door and blocking out the half hearted _Alex?_ that closed in on him from somewhere on the outside. Laying on his back on his unmade bed he twisted until his left arm could reach into the space between the low mattress and the floor. Until his fingers curled around the handle of something so achingly familiar that he didn't even need to see it to picture it in minute detail.

He closed his eyes and allowed himself a moment to just breathe before easing his guitar out from under the bed and laying it across his stomach. It fit him just right and despite the fact that, two moving days aside, he'd not even picked it up let alone played it for nearly a year he could still imagine with surreal clarity exactly what it would feel like in his hands and pressed against his chest.

This guitar was one of the few presents he had ever received from his parents, it was handed to him three weeks after his fourteenth birthday but he didn't think it had anything to do with that, didn't think they knew they'd forgotten, wasn't even sure he had the date right himself at the time. His father had cut the preamble by saying any self respecting man should know how to play the damn guitar and had held it out to him, handle first, from the doorway of his bedroom. It was far from new and the wood was a pale summer blonde and it smelled of cigarette smoke and sex and _history_ and in that moment the bruises on his arm disappeared, his mother's black eye evaporated and his father's track marks vanished as though never there in the first place.

He hadn't played it, hell, had barely _touched_ it since Kelly died and now, as his fingers hovered trembling over dusty strings he couldn't bring himself to feel, he found he had to bite down on the urge to condemn it to the same fate his cell phone had suffered. It would be very melodramatic rock-star of him to smash it to splinters but here there were no lights and no smoke machines and no pulsing back beat to disguise the action as anything other than cowardly and childish.

A knock at his door, timid and soft broke him from his reverie and he answered with a half hearted _yeah_ before he could contemplate the consequences of letting her enter. She slipped in without opening the door fully but didn't close it behind her, the action confused him somewhat and made him consider the possibility that someone else had followed them home. She had a can of Diet Coke in her hand and she offered it to him silently, using the drink as an excuse to move closer before seating herself at the very edge of his bed, as though sitting any closer would break him.

"Hey...you okay?"

Her voice was carefully controlled, obviously scared but trying not to let it show.

He laughed bitterly and regretted it the moment the sound faded to a memory.

"Can we please not do this now?"

"I don't...it's just...Alex, you had them _out_, geez, when we walked in there and saw...well, Alex you can't keep doing this to yourself. James called me, he..."

And everything suddenly fell into place. Why they'd come running like they did, why they were so panicked and seemed to know what he was going to do even before he did. And if Izzie knew then Meredith knew which meant Derek probably knew which..._shit_.

"He shouldn't have called you, he had no business dragging you into this..."

"Alex, it's okay, I'm glad he called me. You don't have to do this by yourself..."

"Do what? I'm not _doing_ anything..."

"Alex..."

"Izzie, seriously. I'm really sorry for involving you in this and I know I'm being a total ass..."

She smiled slightly in reluctant agreement as he continued.

"...but I really can't do this now. If you talked to James then I'm guessing you know she's on her way and trust me...you don't want to be here for that."

The thought of his mother arriving was making him feel violently ill and he jabbed the ring pull off the Coke and downed half the can in a swirl of bubbles and sugar in an attempt to alleviate the uncomfortable feeling. Izzie must have taken the defiant swallowing as her cue to leave for she stood suddenly and backed towards the doorway.

"Dr. Bailey rang for you...she said..."

"I'm not going back there..."

"What? What do you mean?"

"What I said..." Alex replied with a nonchalant shrug, flexing his fingers on the quickly condensing can, making the metal ping, "...I'm not going back there so I don't have to call her."

"Alex, don't say that. You're not thinking..."

He sat up quickly, moving the guitar aside with an unnecessary shove that had the abused strings humming hauntingly and the sound lodged in his chest and expanded until it was all he could hear and feel and breathe.

"Seriously...you think I'm not _thinking_ about this? God Iz, it's _all_ I think about, every day, every night, every freaking minute that I'm awake this is all I can think about, this whole fucked up situation, my whole fucked up life...so please, _please_ don't tell me that I'm not _thinking_ about this."

She raised her hands, whether mockingly or in genuine defense of her position he wasn't sure but the guilt he felt was instantaneous and Alex softened his face to placate her.

"Izz..."

"No...look, you're right. Most of this is my fault anyway, I shouldn't be here...I'm just gonna go...bake something..."

She stepped backwards through the door and pulled it closed behind her, leaving him alone like he thought he wanted her to. He ran his fingers over his face harshly and took a deep breath before slumping back onto the pillows and closing his eyes.

He awoke some time later, unsure how much time had passed, to the aroma of Izzie's apology baking in the kitchen. Deciding to bite the bullet he exited the room and made his way towards the heady smell, a wry grin pasted on his face that he hoped portrayed his own apology as equally as the chocolate cake portrayed hers.

"Forgive me?" he asked, taking in the chaos she had managed to create.

"Hey, _you_ should be forgiving _me_. I'm so sorry Alex...it's just..."

"Hey..." he cut her off, "...we're both sorry? How 'bout that? Now...you gonna give me some of that cake or am I gonna have to steal it when you're not looking?"

She grinned and slid a messy slice onto a plate for him, already iced and decorated to within an inch of its life.

"So, guitar hey? I didn't know you could play that..."

"There's lots of things you don't know about me Isobel Stevens..." he retorted suggestively, silently thanking her when she chose not to comment on the obvious truth in the statement.

"Well, I do know that I think it's very _very_ sexy..."she purred, batting her eyelashes back at him furiously, the effect somewhat ruined by the flour in her hair and the chocolate icing smeared across her teeth.

He'd not devoured even half the offering when a serious of loud knocks rattled harshly at the front door. They shared a tense look and Alex felt the mouthful of cake lodge un-swallowed in his suddenly arid throat.

"I'll go..?" Izzie offered, the words more a question than a statement and Alex stood with false bravado and stepped towards the entrance himself. The clear glass of the front door gave him an uninterrupted view of what he faced and as she had turned to look out at the street he allowed himself a moment to absorb the sight of her. Her hair had been cut shorter than he remembered and was a darker shade of red than he was used to her dying it. It seemed unnatural and wrong and for a moment he convinced himself it wasn't her. She turned then and caught him staring, her face crumpling into unconcealed sorrow.

Her lips were moving, the glass blurring her features enough to soften the edges but not enough to block out her words.

"_Alexander."_

Despite wanting nothing more than to turn and flee he forced himself to continue towards the door, eyeing the handle as the physical barrier it had just become.

Alex cracked the door open with an airy woosh that had frigid air rushing at him in a blast. He stepped back, opening the door wider before lifting his eyes from his fingers to seek out those of his mother's, more terrified now that ever before of what he would find there.

Whatever it was he was expecting, _this_ certainly wasn't it.

"Mom?"

"Alex, baby..."

Everything in Alex liquefied at the sound of her slurred speech and the glazed way her eyes were struggling to hold onto him as she lurched up the final step and through the open door towards him, arms dramatically outstretched and thick mascara streaking her own brand of track marks down her ruddy cheeks.

"Mom?"

'Oh baby, Alex, baby.'

She had bought her fingers up to her lips and was smudging the remnants of her bright red lipstick across her fingertips.

Alex stepped back reflexively, confused and disorientated and suddenly feeling four years old again. Hands materialised on his shoulders and he reached one of his own up and clamped it forcefully over Izzie's as she stood behind him wordlessly.

His jaw was stuck, had been hard wired into place with an invisible traction that was making speech of any kind impossible. On some level he was grateful for this, his thought processes still functioning just enough for him to realise that any words he did manage to get out were unlikely to be coherent or meaningful anyway.

His mother was like a moving tableau in front of him, all jerky movements and harsh lighting and no sound. Well, none that was penetrating his bubble anyway, a bubble that was threatening to burst any minute and drown him, suddenly and completely.

"Mrs. Karev?"

Izzie's voice echoed behind him, deeply questioning and confused and her fingers tightened into the clenched muscles in his shoulders before she released them and stepped around him, a human barrier suddenly blocking his view of this familiar stranger at the door.

"Alex, baby?"

His mother's voice was weakening, thick in her throat and unsure. Just like he remembered it. He couldn't move.

"Mrs. Karev? My name is Izzie and I'm Alex's friend, why don't you come with me and..."

"Izzie, no..."

He didn't want her here, not like this, not ever.

Izzie spun to face him, pleading eyes flashing with something more forceful and determined as she seemed to attempt telepathic communication with him through distorted facial expressions that he was too wound up to decipher before she turned away again.

"...why don't you come with me and have some cake? I just finished icing it and we can have a coffee and..."

He still couldn't see his mother through Izzie's defiant posture and he staggered suddenly to the left as Izzie reached out her hand and pulled her forwards and past Alex, leaving him stranded and stunned in the open doorway. He stepped towards the opening, intending to pull the door closed and follow them but was shocked to find himself easing through the opening and out onto the top step, the cold biting through his t-shirt with a sting that he welcomed with desperate relief as he moved to the side and sat down.

He began counting in his head, slowly, steadily relaxing by degrees and forcing himself to deliberately _not think about it._

This was _not_ his problem. Not anymore.

He was at three hundred and forty seven, having lost count twice, once at seventy three and again, second time round at only eleven, when the door behind him cracked open cautiously.

"Alex?"

He leaned his head back against the wall and rolled his eyes in her direction, a silent, snarky _what now_?

"She wants to talk to you..."

"She's drunk Izzie, she wants a drink, she doesn't want to talk to me..."

"Alex, she scared for you, she doesn't understand what's going on..."

"I'm surprised she even remembered my name."

"Alex, please just come inside, it's freezing out here. You'll get pneumonia Alex, please just..."

Alex had barely had time to huff out a mumbled _I should be so lucky _when Izzie's expression darkened and she crouched in front of him, hugging her arms around her chest to stave off the cold.

"For God sakes, Alex. Will you stop with all this wanting to be dead bullshit. It's doing my head in and I know you don't mean it because you're smart enough to have done it right by now if you did. I know this is crap for you, me and the others, all of us, we're here for you, today, tomorrow, whenever you need us but right now there is someone here that needs _you, _more than a drink, more than _anything_ Alex she just needs to talk to you. She's your mom and I know she's got her problems, I can see that, hell, _my_ mother had more than her fair share...but she's still your mom Alex and she loves you and she just wants to _talk to you._"

Izzie's knees were balanced against his own and he studied the spot where the fabric of her jeans meshed with his own.

"You know...it was so much harder with her. At least with Dad, well...I wrestled, I bulked up, I learned to fight back until that one day when I tried it on him and he left and never came back. But Mom, I never could fight back with her. Could never hit a girl..."

He flicked his eyes up to meet hers, held her gaze until his own eyes glazed over and threatened to betray his current state of calm.

"...so I just let her do it, whatever she wanted pretty much. He left and I became her personal punching bag, she couldn't see that I had done us a favour, that everything could be different now. All she saw was that his leaving had been my fault..."

He blinked but refused to let himself cry over her anymore that he already had.

"...so, no. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to see her, I don't want _anything_ from her Iz. Can you just, I dunno, write down a few notes she could take back to her doctor in Iowa? Just the basics and then I'll call her a cab and she can leave again because I really don't have anything to say to her."

His voice was trembling by the end and even as he was saying the words his heart was screaming that he didn't mean them but he was obviously convincing enough because Izzie stood and nodded down at him, agreeing to his request with a resigned _yeah, okay._

"But at least come back inside...it is freezing out here. We're in the kitchen so...go watch tv or something and I'll sort it out."

He stood to follow her and as they stepped back through the front door he stopped her again.

"Hey Izz?"

She turned to look at him, eyebrows arched.

"Thanks...you know...for everything."

"You moved into the house Alex, this is just part of the service."

"Don't 'spose lap dances and a bit of girl on girl action is part of that service, huh?"

He grinned widely, desperately trying to regain some equilibrium and was rewarded with a punch in the upper arm and a muttered _pig_.

He sat watching a re-run of a _Friends_ episode, marveling at how Ross ever managed to pull a chick like Rachel until he could stand it no longer and stammered his way to the entrance of the kitchen, the aroma now sickly sweet and gut churning.

"Mom?"

Two sets of eyes spun to gaze at him, equally bright but with opposing emotions.

"Alex, baby...I'm so sorry..."

His mother half stood to move towards him and he took a step back instinctively to retain the distance between them, precious distance that was going to be the only thing to get him through this.

"Don't okay, please don't say you're sorry, it's way too late for that..."

"It's never too late to say you're sorry, Alex..."

"Mom...there are some things that you can never apologise for, it's just not that easy. I just came in here to say goodbye. I know Izzie gave you the information you need to take back to your GP but...you're probably fine so...don't stress about it okay..."

"Alex, it's not me I'm worried about baby..."

'Yeah, well, it's a little too late for that too so..."

Jagged tears that Izzie had managed to mend with cake and coffee and unconditional kindness began to re-open and Alex knew he had to get this over with fast.

"Alex baby..."

"I'm fine okay. I've got great friends and maybe a great job, hopefully, I think..." he chanced a glance in Izzie's direction for her reassuring nod, "...and I'm fine..."

"But James said...and I spoke to Kelly's mom..."

Alex raised a hand to the wall to steady himself and fought the rising bile in the back of his throat as Izzie's chocolate cake threatened to make a dramatic reappearance.

"Don't talk about her Mom, please?"

"But Alex..."

"No, no buts...I'm not talking about her, this is not about her, it was never about her between us so..."

"But they said they came here and you talked to them but you won't talk to me...why won't you talk to me? I'm your mother, Alex? Please talk to me..."

"You can't pick and choose when you want to be someone's mother, you weren't my mother when Dad was beating the shit outta me and you weren't my mother when you were too drunk to remember your own name and I made it through all of that and I'm going to make it through this too...okay? All you need to know is that I'm fine."

He took a deep shaky breath and tried not to listen to her choking sobs.

"I'm fine and...good bye."

He blinked rapidly, losing the battle finally as he turned abruptly and lurched up the stairs two at a time to the bathroom at the top where he stilled, looking at his own heaving reflection in the smudged mirror.

He heard a horn sound outside, signaling the arrival of a cab and willed his heart rate to return to something closely resembling normal before the inevitable knock on the open bathroom door heralded Izzie's return.

"I know I sound like a broken record but...you okay?"

He grinned at his reflection before dragging in a stuttering breath that pulled tightly at his overworked chest before turning to face her.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I am."

TBC


	17. Epilogue

**Epilogue**  
Word Count: 1300  
Disclaimer: Don't own anything...  
Story Summary: Another intern stumbles onto something from Alex's past with disastrous consequences.  
Epilogue Summary: Alex is okay...well he will be...

xxx

Izzie had retreated, leaving Alex alone in the bathroom with nothing more than his own reflection and a head full of jumbled thoughts as company. He lowered himself down onto the edge of the bath, still tall enough to look up into his own bloodshot eyes that seemed to be daring him to do something stupid and dangerous and _final _.

He forced himself to look away, lowering his forehead heavily into the dry palms of his hands and biting down angrily on an urge to scream or put his fist through the mirror..._something _.

Instead he stood, deliberately keeping his eyes averted from his reflection and moved towards the exit back out into the long hallway. He stopped with his fingers just touching the handle, preparing to yank it open and stalk back to the relative safety of his bedroom when he found himself turning instead, back to stare hard at himself in the smudged silver, quietly strengthening his resolve and steeling his determination to get on with his life.

"You can do this..." he muttered, slightly perturbed by the fact that he was talking to himself but also acknowledging that this was something he needed to do.

"You are going to be fine and you can _do_ this..."

He grinned hugely, falsely, the movements feeling old and unfamiliar, as though he'd not used those muscles for months and hell...maybe he hadn't, not really, not used them and meant it. He scrubbed his hands over his face, reddening his cheeks and making his eyes water before sucking in a lung full of air that he then expelled slowly and steadily.

"_You can do this_ ."

He grinned again, his muscles warming up to the motion, skin creasing naturally into a once remembered pattern before turning with purpose and walking away. His bedroom door was open and he looked in on his way past. Despite an intention to head downstairs Alex found himself stepping across the threshold and fighting a desire to pull the door closed and to hibernate behind the relative safety of those four strong walls, the fact that he'd let his own emotional barriers crumble to barely recognisable ruins in the last few weeks creating an uncomfortable desire to be ensconced between four physical ones.

His guitar was still lying discarded on the bed, a rough hand print in the thin layer of dust that still covered it the only evidence that he had picked it up at all. He stood over it now, still apprehensive and unsure but also determined to try. He picked it up resolutely and started quickly towards the stairs putting immediate distance between himself and his bed.

Only steps before he reached the kitchen Alex detected the sound of muffled voices, deliberately hushed, as though whispering and he stilled in an attempt to make sense of the rumblings. The voices were recognisable, Izzie and Meredith but the words were not and though he knew without even having to think about it that it would be Izzie filling Meredith in on the events of the afternoon he decided to repeat his you _can do this_ mantra and take the first step towards getting his life back.

And step one was convincing his very difficult to fool house-mates that he had decided he was now fine and that they no longer needed to whisper about him in closed kitchens or have covert phone calls with his old friends in other states...or worry that he was going to drink the dish-washing liquid or use one of Meredith's mother's good silver knives to open the veins on his wrists. They would be a good first test on his way to reclaiming his sanity.

Alex stood in the doorway and watched their exchange intently for a moment. So wrapped up in their hushed conversation the girls had not noticed him approach and he took the time to examine them both closely, the way their eyes shone when they thought they were being clandestine, the way Izzie talked so flamboyantly with her hands and the way Meredith scrunched up one eye more than the other when she was listening intently. It was a fascinating study in female interaction but seeing them at it only confirmed his belief that he was the topic of debate today and he suddenly found himself wanting to put a stop to it right away.

He lifted the guitar into its familiar place against his chest and strummed loudly, relishing in the way it caused both women to jump and Izzie to shriek a little before coughing loudly in an attempt to cover up her fright.

"Hey, it's Bon Jovi!" Meredith exclaimed while Izzie's face broke into a wide grin as he locked his eyes on hers to convey the silent meaning in his actions that he was sure she had detected and understood.

"No..." Izzie replied, disagreeing with her and rising from her seat slowly, "it's Alex Karev...finally."

He shared a look with her, grinning easily and leaning laconically against the door frame, softly strumming a rhythm he didn't even have to think about, a rhythm as familiar as the beat of his own heart in his chest.

"Well, I don't care who it is..." Meredith retorted, snaking her body across the kitchen table with her arms outstretched, "...'coz _wooo weee_ Alex, that is one sexy look you've got going there..."

"Well, I 'spose the bloodshot anorexic look is very rockstar these days," Alex commented, knowing his current appearance was far from sexy.

Alex watched as Izzie sunk back into her seat again and he stilled his fingers and moved further into the kitchen with them.

"So...you're okay then?"

Alex nodded slowly, to himself first and then more forcibly to show the girls as well.

"Yeah, I am I think and...while you're both here I just wanted to say thank for...well, you know..." Alex struggled slightly to get the words out in a coherent sentence, shrugging his shoulders and lowering his eyes to the table top.

"Hey, you don't have to thank us Alex..."

"No, no I do. I do need to say thanks and I mean it okay? I really do...and I know I don't say stuff like that very often but it doesn't mean I don't think it and I know you both have much more important stuff to be worrying about than whether I'm going to freak out and..." Alex stopped to take a shaky breath and was cut off again by a hand closing over his and a chorused _Alex _.

He let the rest of his monologue pause for a minute as he pulled his hand back and out of Izzie's reach before continuing.

"I know, I know okay, it's just...I'm not used to girls like you two!"

Meredith and Izzie exchanged a confused look and a raised eyebrow.

"No, I mean, my mom well, you saw her Izz, and in alot'a ways Kelly was the same, both of them were victims I guess and I was always looking after them and I'm not used to girls who can do the looking after and I'm definitely not used to _being_ looked after so..."

He grinned and shrugged his shoulders.

"...oh and by the way, while we're in the sharing caring mood, Izz...George? Seriously? _Bambi _?"

Izzie groaned, deep in her throat and lowered her forehead to the kitchen table, banging it lightly against the wooden top and raising her hands skywards as Meredith tried to stifle her giggles while pulling a face and covering her eyes with her fingers.

"Don't okay? Please don't talk about it...I'm in denial and it's working very well for me..."

"Well, I just can't believe Bambi's slept with the both of you...what's _with_ that?"

**The End**

Author's Note: Thank you everyone who is still reading! I hope you've enjoyed this journey as much as I have, it's been a lot longer and a lot more winding that I originally planned.

To everyone who was kind enough to tell me what they thought along the way, extra special thanks...

PS: had a comment re. Bon Jovi being so not sexy and YES I agree! This was just backlash at the fact that Meredith thinks _Derek_ is sexy! Obviously the girl has no taste…!!!


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